Oldr & BigRR

[oldr_n_wsr]

Thanks to everyone for their concern over my well being. It's been a hell of a few years. And by "hell" I mean HELL. I am determined to put it all behind me though.

As scooter pointed out there are more of us (middle class, middle aged) than most people think/see, but us addicts (I am addicted to only alcohol but could just as easily be/become addicted to other drugs) are masters at hiding the "disease" and all that it's upkeep entails. We are "caught" only when we get complacent, when we get lax in our diligence of concealment which always happens as we begin to believe our own lies and figure we can just keep going as we were going. In the end it is us and those who love us who suffer. But we (addicts) never consider the effect on others. The world revolves around us and if everyone would just conform to our wishes/needs, we would not have any problems. Our problems are caused by everyone else, not ourselves (at least in our own minds).

Relapse is part of everyone's recovery.

It was explained to me that relapse starts the day you start your recovery as you can't relapse without having recovery.

But I can identify with you. As I recall you and I fairly close in age; when I think that someone who was in your situation could have their life fall apart so badly, it really creates a "there but for the grace of God..." sort of reaction in me...If that could happen to someone like you, why couldn't it happen to me?
I admit, it's a little psychologically disturbing...

It can happen to anyone although some are more prone to it than others. Heavy drinking can be kept in check, but once the line is crossed where is no going back to a "casual/social" drinker. Something about dopamene(and some other brain chemicals) levels. How in a normal person they are at some average level and when those people drink they spike and when they stop drinking they return to that normal level. In the alcoholic, the levels spike when they drink but instead of returning to the normal/average levle, they bottom out giving the alcoholic the urge to drink more. Also the levels bottom out even before hte alcoholic is done drinking urging him to drink continuously to keep the levels up or even to keep them at the average level. Once "dry" for a couple of weeks the levels return to the normal/average level but as soon as another drink is consumed, the spiking and bottoming out scenario returns immediately. That is why the alcoholic must not consume alcohol ever again. There is no returning to "social" drinking for us.

And RayThom welcome to plan B and 30+ years of sobriety is an inspiration to me. Assuming I live to 83yo (84 in June) I will have 30 years. But I am concentrating on today and I am sober today, plan on staying htat way for hte rest of the day.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a blessing.

HEading out to check out an outpatient clinic near here (not hte same one I went to last year) and will report back later or tomorrow.

alice, I will be replying to your email and thanks for your support.

bigskygal thanks for your pm and post of support.

Later all. I think I will be reopening my alcoholic thread some time this week (or starting a new one) as it helped me last year and I believe will again.

[Gob]

Good stuff mate, there's great support here for those who genuinely want it.

[oldr_n_wsr]

I'm thinking of changing sponsors. I want to make a break from the past few months and I am afraid I might get into my same old habits that landed me out of a job and into in-patient rehab. While the onus is on me to do my part, I think a clean break with my past stint in AA would be a welcome change for me.
Going to my conselor now, gonna bounce the idea off of him.

[Rick]

I hated AA because of their "Sponsor" thing.

They were in the same boat I was in, I wasn't given a choice Some guy I had never met before in my life was gonna tell me what to do?

Not likely...

[oldr_n_wsr]

I have people ask me if I need a sponsor. No one ever said they are my sponosor exept for hte guy I originally asked. I had/have the choice.
The guy I am thinking about asking has been sober 20+ years and I have gotten to know him pretty well. Also he rides a MC and is hooked into other AA riders.

[Rick]

I think a common bond would make all the difference in the world.

As for picking and choosing I lucked out and didn't need AA after all.

Each of us is different I applaud yer efforts what ever the path.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Whatever worked for you.

[RayThom]

Regardless, you have to be guarding of those people, places, and things that suck you back into the void. I was 31 when I started kicking the monkey off my back. AA was fine for about six months but it started to get too "churchy" for me. The "hallelujah brothers and sisters, higher power thing" rang false for me. Too many phonies using the program as a crutch and not getting better. I was a dry drunk and not doing well with the program. Yikes! Scary stuff.

I knew I was mentally screwed up and I needed to find out why. I returned to college and I loaded up on a psychology heavy course load. After a couple of semesters of abnormal, child, and cognitive psychology I had a good idea why I had chose to become a raging alcoholic. By the time I was through my in-depth, self-analysis, I was not only equipped to deal with my sobriety but I had distanced myself from all of the stressors.

OK, O'n'w, I'm not suggesting you go this route but I feel you might need to rely on yourself more, and other people less. AA's mission statement is sound -- and that's commendable -- but many members, even sponsors, are flawed and fallible. When sponsors fail they not only hurt themselves but cause doubt in many others around them. Believe in yourself above all else and know your personal frailties.

O'n'w, do you have a local hospital nearby? See if they can use a reliable, sober, volunteer. Find yourself through others who count on you and not the other way around. Good luck. Peace.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Thanks for the advice and suggestions. I am also going to couseling sessions but have a pretty good idea/handle on my "real" problem(s), although every time I go (to the counselor and AA) I come away with more things to contemplate about myself. My cousin is a psychologist (Phd) but she's more screwed up than most people (including those in AA) and she's also an alcoholic (but is not interested in seeking help and I do not preach to her about AA or her drinking)


ETA
As far as the "churchy" aspect, I usually pay it no mind. They say it's a "spiritual" program but the higher power most people choose to call "God" which is fine with me, I do not.

A speaker at one of the meetings said this about the difference between the religious and the spiritual.

The religious are people who pray not to go to hell.
The spiritual are people who have been there.

[RayThom]

The religious are people who pray not to go to hell.
The spiritual are people who have been there.

Most of all remember, we are all dysfunctional -- it's unavoidable -- but it's how we allow it to negatively effect others. Sobriety serves no one if they don't know how to handle it.