Plan B Forum

1. Pubs

“Put the organic aioli down, Jocasta. No, Joshua, that artisan focaccia isn’t gluten-free.” In the good old days, pubs were for grown-ups and serious drinking. Nowadays, they’ve gone gastro and seem to be some sort of Bugaboo parking area, populated by lunching yummy mummies, insufferable couples and hyperactive toddlers. Pubs don’t smell of booze and fags anymore, they smell of salmon fishcakes and “babyccinos”. Make it stop.

2. Trains

Crying in a confined space. Kicking seats. Running up and down the aisles. It’s the same problem as planes, but without the novelty of air travel to shut them up, the in-flight entertainment system to plug them into and the free booze to numb your pain. Kids should only be allowed to read stories about trains, not actually go on them. The Fat Controller would surely approve.

3. Football grounds

Swearing loudly at the ref/opposition/your own team is never as much fun when there’s little ears around to traumatise and protective dads to shrug apologetically at.

4. Festivals

Why do some hippie parents think it’s a good idea to take their offspring to a large field full of loud music, alcohol, sex and drugs? Scrapping the “Kid’s Field” would discourage them. It’s just a bouncy castle and a hung-over clown anyway.

5. Cars

Come on, have you ever tried driving with a kid on the back seat? Fiddling with the windows, fighting with their siblings, hoofing you in the back, complaining of boredom, throwing snacks, spilling drinks, making such a racket that you twist around to see what’s up and nearly career off the road? They’re a menace. Ban them.

6. IKEA

The Scandi-smug labyrinthine hellhole is bad enough already, without adding bored kids to the mix, clambering all over the room sets and knocking over lamps, while their parents bicker their way into a loveless marriage illuminated only by cheap tea lights. Barring kids would also mean more hot dogs and meatballs for us.

7. Cinemas

The darkness of the picture house hides a multitude of teeth-gnashingly annoying kiddy sins: talking throughout the film, fiddling with phones, loud crunching and slurping, throwing popcorn, constantly swapping seats, endless toilet trips, crying, whining, breathing. existing. They're lucky we don’t use the cover of darkness for some old-fashioned murder.

8. Supermarkets

Bright lights + boredom + lots of things they can’t have = tantrums. Let’s tie them up outside like dogs. Ignore the howling, they’ll soon quieten down.

9. Pizza Express

We used to like the Pizza Express chain, in a mid-range, always-order-the-same-stuff, know-what-you’re-getting kind of way. These days, though, it seems to be some sort of dough-based kindergarten. Oi, small people – naff off to Nando’s and let us enjoy our halal chicken pizzas in peace.

10. The school gates

We realise this seems unreasonable, what with schools only existing to educate the little tykes. But they really do get in the way of us parents gossiping, competing, giving each other dirty looks and half-heartedly flirting. Without kids cluttering up the place with their so-called cuddles and bids for attention, the school gates would be a far more relaxing place for grown-ups to hang out. Let’s ban the blighters.

1. Pubs

“Put the organic aioli down, Jocasta. No, Joshua, that artisan focaccia isn’t gluten-free.” In the good old days, pubs were for grown-ups and serious drinking. Nowadays, they’ve gone gastro and seem to be some sort of Bugaboo parking area, populated by lunching yummy mummies, insufferable couples and hyperactive toddlers. Pubs don’t smell of booze and fags anymore, they smell of salmon fishcakes and “babyccinos”. Make it stop.

I haven't seen her since then for some odd reason.

Lord Jim wrote:Though I didn't become a father until I was 40, (and again when I was 50) even back when I was cynical self-absorbed SOB, I have long appreciated the fact that there is no more uplifting sound then the joyful sounds of children at play...

As I believe Dale once observed, when one cannot enjoy that sound, it's time for "the dirt nap"...

MajGenl.Meade wrote:

Lord Jim wrote:Though I didn't become a father until I was 40, (and again when I was 50) even back when I was cynical self-absorbed SOB, I have long appreciated the fact that there is no more uplifting sound then the joyful sounds of children at play...

As I believe Dale once observed, when one cannot enjoy that sound, it's time for "the dirt nap"...

I agree. It's school "performances" that I dread. I've to endure a three hour torture-fest 2night just so I can assure my 17 year old grandson (who doesn't care at all) that I was there to the bitter end. He's in some ginormous choir which is specially designed to make random appearances throughout the three hours so the adults can't vanish after "their" kid has been on.

I hate 'em

Your grandchildren are in Africa with you now?

Crackpot wrote:Meads is back in the states he's been talking about coming back for a while and I believe he has mentioned it here on more than a few occasions.

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......................................MajGenl.Meade

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