Plan B Forum

HEAVEN — In an announcement sure to have a significant impact on millions of lives before and after death, Heavenly sources confirmed that people who attend church two days per year can go to Heaven for two days per year.

"Sure, your two days of church attendance per year totally count," explained Saint Peter. "They count for two days of Heaven per year, and the rest of the year you get tortured by demons. It's very fair."

The system had reportedly been in place for centuries, ever since the dawn of the twice-per-year churchgoer. "They can spend the rest of their eternity in Hell sleeping in and watching football games or whatever," said a Heavenly angel. "Though, I'm told the only games they get in Hell are when the Jets play the Browns."