oldr_n_wsr's alcoholic adventure

[oldr_n_wsr]

Working on Step 8,
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
So far it is mostly family members and saying "I'm sorry" is so old and wasn't heartfelt in the past. I'll still apologise but my on going change in attitude and character will be the real amends.
I do owe my kids more than a few bucks having robbed their change jar to buy booze. My rationalization at the time was, "hell I put all the coins in there, I can take some back". Of course the alcoholic attitude still comes up when I think about giving them money for amends as I am always giving them money here and there anyway. But that is not hte right way of thinking. So they will each get about $50 in an envelope and a sincere apology.

Last night, my sponsor asked me if I was ready to sponsor someone. He can't take on another sponsee and was seeing if I felt ready. I had to respectfully decline. I want to at least complete step 8 and 9 before I even think about sponsoring someone. I talked to the guy who is looking for a sponsor and gave him my phone number (and took his) and if he has any problems or needs guidance I would help. But no "official" sponsorship.

And sometime soon I will have completed 7 months of sobriety.

Also, I had some kind of spiritual experience while down in Texas. Can't put my finger on it nor describe it, but I felt really good after it. Maybe one of my character defect left me. Who knows, all I know I felt really good and was very much at peace. I still feel that way today.

[oldr_n_wsr]

So I call my sponsor last night just to check in and see how his holiday went and I'm bitching about how the damn Christmas lights kept breaking. So he tells me about how his Jeep needed a new engine (I knew that) and how him and another AA member (a truck mechanic) were putting in a used motor this weekend (I knew that also and had said if they needed help to call me).
He had bought the motor that was supposedly tested and was good. So they get the motor in and notice the valve cover was leaking oil so they take off the valve cover to change the gasket and see that there is tons of gunk in there (first sign of trouble). Rather than clean this out, they take the head off the old engine (he blew a piston rod on the old one so the head is still good) and put that on the "new" engine. They fire up engine and, while it starts, there is nothing but blue smoke coming out of it. There is no oil presure to speak of. They swap the oil sensor and oil pump from the removed engine and still no oil pressure and tons of blue smoke. They check compression and it is way below what it is supposed to be. Squirt some heavy weight oil into the cylinder and recheck compression and it goes up then back down. Rings are shot.
He is calling the guy he bought the engine from today.

And I thought I was having a bad weekend.

Good thing is, I realized my problems were minor and he got to vent some of his frustrations. Win-win for both of us.

[Gob]

Man you should compile these into a blog, they're great tales.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Don't crash the site. I'll need these tales I ever write a book. of course names would have to change to protect us drunks

[oldr_n_wsr]

Been feeling really good lately. My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told her I wanted to go help some poor family that has kids but not any money for presents. I already got the best gift I ever could have gotten this year and that is having the obsession to drink removed from me. So I'm gonna check out the local church and see if they have a list of families in need.
A local newspaper, Suffolk Life, used to have a group of people who were dubbed "Secret Santa's" and they would get lists of families in need and do what they could with presents for everyone in the family. They would sneak up to the house early Christmas morning and leave the presents. People who knew the family and their needs would nominate them to the newpaper.
Sadly the paper folded as I would have signed up to help out.

But my wife is getting me an RC helicopter. Not really a helicopter as it has four rotors and uProcessor gyro control. I saw one in a hobby shop when we were in texas. But other than that I'm going to see what I can to for some other family.

[oldr_n_wsr]

As opposed to the above post, I'm feeling a little "wierd". I have been catching myself being overly cynical lately. Usually I catch myself before I say or do somthing stupid. Don't know why. Guess it's just lifes (and ones moods) ups and downs. I'll mention it to my sponsor tonight at the meeting.

On the upside, Dad's Christmas present came yesterday, the lady in my AA group who had a brain aneurism is doing very well and we delivered the gifts for the family we sponsored. Hope Christmas is a little brighter for them.

[alice]

As opposed to the above post, I'm feeling a little "wierd". I have been catching myself being overly cynical lately. Usually I catch myself before I say or do somthing stupid. Don't know why. Guess it's just lifes (and ones moods) ups and downs. I'll mention it to my sponsor tonight at the meeting.

On the upside, Dad's Christmas present came yesterday, the lady in my AA group who had a brain aneurism is doing very well and we delivered the gifts for the family we sponsored. Hope Christmas is a little brighter for them.

Maybe when you drank it fogged some of the stuff that annoys you now - so that you didn't have to work at the control of the moods and have to now actively work at the moods instead of coasting with the alcoholic mood steadier, if that makes sense. I don't know how to say it, but it's been my experience through interaction with a couple of heavy drinkers that they were a bit more talkative and easy going when they were in the 'neutral' or 'happy' zone - the alcohol made the 'steady mood' more mellow. The down side was - in both the cases I'm specifically thinking of as I write this - that if they felt that they were wronged, or got 'cross' about anything, it also made their angry mood more angry - in both cases they didn't have to use that internal filter on their moods but let the alcohol do the 'work'. Maybe what's happening at the moment is that your 'internal filter' is playing around with the fine tuning and re-working out things now that there is no alcohol to fog the senses any more. I don't know if that made any sense at all, but in my head I know what i was trying to say!! And I have no basis for saying it other than 'what I've seen' - a bit subjective and not at all an expert opinion!

On a random, sort of related note, your comment led me to waffly meanderings: I used to be a big Pollyanna, but over time I've found myself becoming a bit more cynical. I find that a combination of life experiences,my job, and a lot of the news/politics etc that I see create that overall feeling. I find that it becomes more and more important to try to remind myself of the 'other' side of things - to see the random kind, unselfish and good acts that people do, and the people genuinely trying to make a difference in the world, no matter how small - to try to focus on the 'good' in the world and remember that not everyone is an arsehole or a selfish self-serving shit. I don't want to be a pessimistic, bitter, close-minded person as I get older (as I've seen in some people, including a relative quite close to me), so I try to actively re-open my mind and re-explore issues, and look for the 'good' and the 'glass half full' as much as I can. Sometimes in life that feels easier to do than other times. I'm constantly seeing examples of how temporary our existence is and how little difference we make overall, but at the same time how long and painful the journey of existing can be for some. I don't understand how people can use their existence to be cruel and awful and I want to turn away and not acknowledge some things because they're too terrible to know, but at the same time I want to know why people aren't doing anything to stop such things - I want to help the change but I also know that no matter how much one part of the problem is fixed there's always more and more problems and sometimes it seems too overwhelming to contemplate. So within that generally pessimistic 'big picture' outlook I am always trying to look for the small positive things that give me any degree of hope and that help to make me feel that at least in the 'small picture' there is always something worthwhile and happy and optimistic about the world. That perhaps made no sense to anyone but me!!!

[oldr_n_wsr]

Thanks for that alice. Getting older just means living, getting wiser you help me with.

Yes, drinking dulls the senses and most of all it dulls the feelings. Most of us drink to get rid of feelings. Feelings of sadness especially, but feelings of joy and kindness go away too. Feelings of inadequacy, of loneliness, of failure, of shyness, OF FEAR all go away with the drink. We become (in our own minds at least) the outgoing guy, the life of the party, the one everyone wants to know/be around. We are no longer afraid to talk to a girl, to try and meet new people. We are not the pimple faced kid who everyone made fun of (I did not have an acne problem nor did I not have friends) .

So yes, there are new feelings poping in every day. The thing now is to recognise them for what they are. Like realizing I was being cynical. Knowing that I was tending toward that, allowed me to check myself during that time and keep myself from saying or doing anything stupid or something that would cause harm to people I love. You know, keep from blurting out that off the cuff comment to the wife or kids that might hurt their feelings.

While drinking, I had the attitude of "fuck it" and would say what I was thinking without regard for the other person and how they may take it. It's a better life now being able to "see" and catch these things before they are said or done. Of course there are times when possibly offending things need to be said, but as it was expressed to me, usually "it's not what you say, it's how you say" that makes all the difference.

Good to "hear" from you again alice as it's been a while. If you're still peeking in, check your email.
Merry Christmas to you and yours.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Been a few weeks but here I am again. Just passed the 9 month mark and feeling really good. Went to a gathering last weekend (Jan 11) at a bar/resturant that a bunch of my sons friends had for him and his gf to wish them well on their upcoming move to Texas. I had a good time and had no impulse to drink alcohol. And their unsweetened iced tea was very good.

But that's not what I came to write about.

A good friend of mine whom I met in the fellowship has been out on a run. He went down to Fla before Christmas and came back for a week or so then went on a cruise. Needless to say (otherwise I would not be writing about it) somewhere along his trips he started drinking again. He called me Saturday night, blown out of socks, asking for help. I had called him a bunch of times while he was in Fla and on the cruise figuring he was drinking and just said, "when you are ready, give me a call".

I talked to him for about 2 hours about what he did/was doing to himself. No judgment on my part, only trying to get him to realise that he doesn't have to go on like this. That is staying sober for a while only to go out drinking again. Seems every 9 months or so he does this. Not that I am any kind of expert in the field of sustained sobriety, but I feel different than I ever have before and believe I don't ever have to drink again. I can't say whether I will drink again, I only acknowledge that I don't HAVE to drink again.

Anyway, him and I have been in the fellowship for about 3 years together and I have been shuttling him to/from meetings as he had his license revoked. This time last year he "went out" and his PO found out and he ended up with more time on his suspension to the point of having a bracelet that transmitted whether or not he was drinking. He had that on for about 6 months and stayed clean another couple of months after then went on his current binge.

He asked me to be his sponsor Saturday. I don't particularly like the term "sponsor" (and it is not in the big book) and countered with I would be his "trail guide". I ran it by my "trail guide" and he said it would be good for me but I have to be tough on him. I asked my trail guide for his help in this endevour as I have never done this before and he said he would help me as much as he can. This actually is helping me ovecome one of my character flaws which is my reluctance to ask for help when needed. So hopefully I can kill two birds with one stone. Help myself and my friend.

I was hoping to stop by his house yesterday, but my own life got in the way. Had to change the daughters cars oil, then move a bunch of stuff from my sons girlfriends fathers house into my garage. Those two are moving to Texas this week and the POD is coming today so we had to get their stuff to my house to pack the POD with. I never got to my buddies house but had another member stop by and check in on him. Talked to her after she left and she said he was doing better after upchucking for much of the morning. I'm going to call him in a few minutes to see how he is doing. He agreed yesterday to start going back to meetings with me and I will make that part of our contract of me being his guide.

They say that helping others is going to help me stay sober (12th step) so I am open to this part of the adventure. But my guide made sure I understood that I cannot get or keep anyone else sober. That I can only show others how I got, and stay sober.

I am a little apprehensive, but also think I can help him. We shall see.

Thanks for listening/reading.

[Gob]

Always interesting O-n-W, always worth a read.

[Econoline]

I am a little apprehensive, but also think I can help him.

Based on all you've been writing here, I think you're right. Keep it up, and good luck.

[oldr_n_wsr]

My prospect was not in a good place yesterday/last night. Me and two others stopped by his house after the meeting and he has the dt's. He alternates between barfing and shitting too (at least he makes it to the bathroom). Trying to keep him hydrated and a little food in his stomach. We tried to talk him into going to the hospital at least until he his done detoxing but he refused. Enlisted a bunch of fellowship members to check in on him. I'll try and get over there after work, but were supposed to get up to a foot of snow today/tonight so we'll see how it plays out. Another day or two and he should be done with detoxing.

Did I mention he is a retired FDNY? 9/11 did a number on him (and many others). Have to investigate the support network they have. I'm sure he needs help from them also.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Well my friend is still drinking. Says he wants to quit but just doesn't. I can't make him stop nor can anyone else. Doesn't want to go to detox or rehab either. Talked to my sponsor and suggested grabbing another member and try a 12th step face to face. Going try that tonight or tomorrow night. We were going to do it last night but I had the family situation get in the way.

My sponsor said I should start writing in a journal. I told him about my musing here and he suggested I post more often, perhaps daily. We'll see. Don't know if I want to post what I would write down in a personal journal in here. MAybe I'll write it in a word doc and then cut and paste what I want to share here.

We'll see.

Either way, thanks for listening reading.

[Gob]

Kidnap him and hold him in a cellar for a month?

[oldr_n_wsr]

Found out another of my friends in the program drank (and smoked pot) this past weekend. She called me yesterday and I could tell something was bothering her. I wasn't going to go to a meeting last night but she said she wanted to go so I ended up going with her. She told me right away and was very remorseful and beating herself up about it. I did my best to help her out.

I had noticed a week or so ago she seemed "off" a bit and I mentioned it to her. I told her to get to more meetings and to keep in touch. Seems it wasn't enough.

I find you either live the program or you drink.
I'm living the program to the best of my ability. Physically, mentally and spiritually.

I have no idea what my higher power is. I cannot describe it, don't even try to. And that is all right with me.
All I know is when I asked that the obsession to drink be removed, it was. The obsession was gone before I realized it was. When I finally realized it was gone, I couldn't figure out when it was removed but I was immediately grateful it was (and said so, out loud).

Since then I have continued with my morning "prayer" and at night I reflect back on what I have to be thankful for that day and what I could have done better at.

Went to a beginners meeting last night. I usually try to get to one beginners meeting a week to remind me where I was 9 months ago (and the preceding 2 1/2 years). I know when I came in the "God thing" was a hinderance. Most people just coming in have the same bias. I try and share what someone told me early on that I only came to embrace 9 months ago. This is not about a belief in a higher power, it's about a connection with a higher power. You don't have to believe to connect. I thought it was hogwash, but now I understand. For me to believe I need a definition of what to believe in. I cannot define my higher power but I can, and do, connect to it.

Reading the big book and being mentored and learning what I have learned so far, I find that embracing the spiritual is the only stay sober.

Nearest way I can describe my belief, is the Holy Spirit (for the Catholics/Christians) here. The Father and Jesus were described in the church. The Holy Ghost (as it was called way back when) was never really defined. Works for me.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.

Keep in mind, my views and understanding (or lack of) of a higher power are as they are today. In the future they may be different. Nice to be writing them down.
Thanks again

[oldr_n_wsr]

From a post elsewhere

The only "good" thing about all of this is I got to watch a saint take care of an angel. (more in by drunk-a-log)

I am so grateful I have the wife I have. Words do not do my feelings justice. And I kick myself for not realizing this before. But the past is the past all I can do is try and change for the better.


My MIL is really and angel. I know some people have problems with their MIL's and the long running jokes on many TV shows play on the tension between husband and MIL. My MIL accepted me into her family pretty much from day one. I think she accepted me before my wife did.
But then again, as a young horn dog (aka bastard), I would always play up to the moms. If you won mom over, it was easier to win the daughter over. Not proud of it now, just my modus operonde (SP?) at the time.
Anyway, she is a sweet lady always making sure everyone else had before she would check on her own needs. Every dinner she cooked, she would not sit down until everyone had a full plate. Even then she would ask "oldr what else do you need?" and I would say, "mom, I need you to sit down and eat with us". She would laugh and finally sit down.
If my wife went over to their house and I wasn't there (usually because I had to work around the house), she would ask how I was doing and the like. The next time I would go over there she would remember I wasn't there the previous time and say, "you're always working, you work too hard, you want some iced tea or something?" Even recently when she was barely mobile (she broke her femur a couple of years ago and never fully recovered) she would start to get up while asking "you want something from the kitchen". And it was hard to get her to sit back down, that I would get it myself.
Always asking and looking out for everyone elses welfare.

Now I realize where my wife, the Saint, gets it from. Since her mom went into the hospital, my wife has taken on just about everything. From being there for her mother (days straight) to making sure her dad is getting his rest and recovering from the flu to making sure her sister doesn't over do things while recovering from surgery. And thankfully my wife hasn't gotten sick herself. I am eternally grateful to have her in my life and that I am now sober. I am able to help her and appreciate her and love her how I should have all along.

I can never make up for the shit I did (and/or didn't do) I can only change for hte better and try my best to make her as happy as possible for the rest of my days. I thank my higher power, the AA fellowship and my support group for getting and keeping me sober so I can show my wife every day how much I lover her, how much I appreciate her and how much I need her in my life.

how does one go about petitioning the Catholic Church to nominate someone for sainthood?

[oldr_n_wsr]

I am the sponsor of my buddie who was drinking a couple of weeks ago (the guy I wrote about on Jan 29). He asked me when I was trying to sober him up. Got him doing things my sponsor had me doing early on. He does some things but he is not big on writing so we discuss (he tells me) things when we are on a way to a meeting. He doesn't go to as many as i do (I go pretty much every night). He should go to more, but.....

He's going on a cruise this coming week and I am fearful for him. But at least his daughter will be with him. If it's one thing he might stay sober for it's his daughter. I gave her my phone number in case they have a problem. It's all in the higher powers hands. Hopefully he will make it.

I cannot keep him sober, I can only keep myself sober, with the help of my higher power of course, as I could not keep myself sober.
Going on 10 months now. A good 10 months they were. Nary an itch to drink, nor a bad thought or nasty word. No disagreements with my wife and family.
I'm grateful.
Who's go it better than me?

[Long Run]

Congrats and keep up the good work!

[Gob]

Seconded!

[oldr_n_wsr]

Ten months this past sunday. Started getting back some character flaws. Been developing a resentment and a jealousy. It all stems from me wanting to go snowmobiling and my resenting my mother in law in choosing now to ..... well you know.
How sick am I to put snowmobiling above this poor womans comfort in her final days???? How selfish and self centered am I? Makes me sick to my stomach that I feel this way, that I can even get a little annoyed at her for preventing me from going snowmobiling.
The jealousy thing is directed toward my brother in that he HAS gone snowmobiling these past two weekends.

Did a bunch of praying. Talked to my sponser and ratted myself out at two meetings. I do feel better. I still want to snowmobile but I have made peace with not going and the reason I am not going. My sponsor said to go help others, so I have stepped up in helping my wife and her family do what needs to get done. my prospect is on a cruise and I haven't been able to contact him to see how he's doind and I don't need another prospect right now

We visited the funeral parlor to get the plots and casket picked out. My in-laws already had plots at a cemetary in Nassau but my FIL wants her (and him) to be buried in the one closer out here in suffolk. Might even make a few bucks on the plots he had as the nassau cemetary is all bought out and there are people who still want to be buried there.
Can't believe what this shit costs!!!!! I have to put down in writing no viewing for me, cardboard box and creamation. Have a memorial for me at a KofC or in the back yard or somewhere like that. Food and drinks and rememberances.

Then it was on to the florist, but I didn't last long there. I am not a funeral-flower guy so I stayed outside mostly. (don't buy me any flowers when I die. Buy a bottle of JD and toast me, literally and figuratively) That, and the overpowering pollin makes my eyes water and itchy. (or it could be the scents of all the flowers but not being able to smell, I don't know).

I am at peace again.
Well at least for now although I got a call from my wife at lunch time today. Might be time. Her, her father and sister went to the hospice. No word since.

Thanks for reading.

this is getting to be a relaxation technique for me