Death and Commencement

[dgs49]

It always struck me as odd that graduation ceremonies are called, "commencements." You are celebrating the completion of something, but the word seems to denote a beginning.

But of course when you think about it, a graduation is a commencement of life after... And that is exciting and daunting at the same time.

I grew up at a time when my older relatives were dying regularly. My Grandma was one of about a dozen in her family (depends on how how you count those who died as children), and in my gradeschool years one of them was dying - it seemed like - every couple months. Combined with the deaths of oldsters on my father's side, deaths and funerals were just a constant part of my life as a child. "Fortunately," they were all elderly, so their deaths were not sudden or unexpected.

In my mother's family (led by Grandma), the attitude toward death was a combination of, "stiff upper lip," don't show your emotions in public, and let's move on. In fact, our version of the Irish Wake was a very happy and boisterous party at the house after leaving the cemetery. The sadness was rarely acknowledged and never discussed.

Grandma died when I was 13. My family of 7 had lived in her house - the Old Family Homestead - since I was 4, and I was the "baby," so we were very close. But the tradition was fixed at that time and we treated her passing as we did any other. We were comforted by the scores of people who came to see her in the funeral home, and how full the church was at the funeral itself. But there were no public displays of emotion other than maybe wiping away a tear.

When my mother died 5 years later in 1968 - she was 51 and seemingly in good health - it stunned all of us but we supported each other in holding our emotions in check, and having no public displays of sadness or loss. Quiet and dignified was how we were. At the time - at 18 years old - I had no idea the difference it would make going through the next few decades without a mother. Not while I was overseas in the service, not when I got married, or to share my successes and failures as a young adult, or when my son was born. I appreciated having my Dad around, but he was no mother.

When my mother died is when it first occurred to me that Death is a "commencement," just like a graduation. And like a marriage or a birth. It is the end of our life under one set of circumstances and the beginning of life under a new set of circumstances: without Mom, or Dad, or, as I would later experience, my brother Dan. Like it or not, life goes on. And that's pretty much the way I look at death. It's a bit sad (everyone will be missed in one way or another), but mainly it's the beginning of a new life under different circumstances.

I now have two siblings in their 70's and another one with a failing heart, so I have begun the psychological process of getting ready for an inevitable loss.

But I don't expect to be sobbing at the next funeral. Not very dignified.

Shit, I could be the next one in the box. They say this melanoma thing is no joke.

[Long Run]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the meaning of death. It reminds us that we should be thankful for the time we get to spend with our families. I don't recall you mentioning a melanoma before; best wishes on your treatment.

[Gob]

Nice monologue Dave, thanks.