The further adventures of locationgal

[MajGenl.Meade]

So sorry, bsg. Hard as it is, you are in the right place

[BoSoxGal]

Yes, if I had any question at all as to whether it was right to come home, that question is gone now. My cousin's side of the family is very small, and her dad lives in FL. My niece will need me in her life now more than ever and thanks to my new job schedule, I'll be down there once a month for a 4 day weekend. Time to do some spoilin'!

[oldr_n_wsr]

Still I'm hoping for the long-term residential, if she can get in.

Check with whatever outpatient she is going to attend and see if they know of any sober houses in the area. Sometimes the outpatient facility has their own sober houses. Be careful of some sober houses as they are just in it for hte money and don't care/enforce the sobriety. How old is your niece as she might be eligeable for some public assistance which would help her get into some sober or womens houses.

She won't go to a Christian program, it's a huge bone of contention with her very religious parents but not worth any more discussion as it would be useless to my niece, she would be so focused on her resistance to the religious message she would get nowhere with treatment.

The step programs are not religious but they are spiritual so I hope she can embrace teh spirituality aspect of the program. As it says in the big book, "we are beyond human aid". Doctors and such can get us sober/clean but to stay that way takes more than they can do. I do know of two atheists who are in AA and have stayed sober for many years. I never really asked them how they went about the program. Next time I see one of them I will ask.
My thoughts and prayers are with her and the rest of your family and you too.

[BoSoxGal]

She is into eastern philosophy and spirituality and can embrace a higher power - she is going to be using mindfulness techniques to deal with her BPD so the two will hopefully work together to help her in sobriety. She was denied temporary assistance but might be able to reapply once she's out of inpatient and into her own place. She would like to (AND NEEDS TO!) live on her own away from her parents - too many triggers and they are enablers.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Good to hear about her spirituality. It's a hurdle for some although I really think it's just an excuse for some who are not really ready to get sober.

And have your niece really talk alot to the people at the rehab (and the outpatient place) about places to stay. They know the ropes and what is around the area better than anyone.

[Big RR]

The other thing, BSG, is to encourage her to keep up her counseling and take her meds (as appropriate). I have seen people placed in MICA rehab programs who have achieved sobriety after they did not in an ordinary program without the mental illness treatment component. From your discussion of the therapist on staff, it looks like she might be off to a good start.

Hang in there.

[BoSoxGal]

The inpatient program released her with a certificate of completion after 21 days(!!!!!), with a one week supply of Suboxone to hold her over to a first prescription from the aftercare physician.

She bitched about having an appt. on the first day out with her follow-up outpatient provider, she slept half the day the first day home after weeks of getting up and keeping a productive schedule, she was later caught calling her exBF - who just left rehab himself - asking him to come get her and telling him she'd been kicked out and was homeless and needed to stay with him (entirely untrue), she stole from her sister - and screamed and ranted to her parents when they attempted to talk to her about all this, whereupon they finally learned she'd used a weeks' worth of Suboxone in a day and a half and was withdrawing.


I honestly feel like it's just a matter of time before we bury her; this was her 7th time in rehab.

[Big RR]

It's par for the course BSG; just be there to help pick up the pieces when she crashes again. Some people learn, some never do, and some have mental illness combined with chemical dependence, and need treatment for both before recovery can even be a glimmer of hope. But recovery and sobriety are real possibilities if and when she is willing to put in the hard work, so don't give up hope. Above all (and I know this is the hardest part, especially for parents), don't blame yourselves; this is her problem and she has to work through it. Support her in these efforts as best you can, but don't make her problem into your problem.

[Lord Jim]

Sorry to hear this...

She clearly hasn't hit her bottom...

[Gob]

The inpatient program released her with a certificate of completion after 21 days(!!!!!), with a one week supply of Suboxone to hold her over to a first prescription from the aftercare physician.

She bitched about having an appt. on the first day out with her follow-up outpatient provider, she slept half the day the first day home after weeks of getting up and keeping a productive schedule, she was later caught calling her exBF - who just left rehab himself - asking him to come get her and telling him she'd been kicked out and was homeless and needed to stay with him (entirely untrue), she stole from her sister - and screamed and ranted to her parents when they attempted to talk to her about all this, whereupon they finally learned she'd used a weeks' worth of Suboxone in a day and a half and was withdrawing.


I honestly feel like it's just a matter of time before we bury her; this was her 7th time in rehab.

Sounds like borderline personality disorder to me.

[BoSoxGal]

Oh yes, she was diagnosed with BPD at her second-to-last hospital admission and I got her a bunch of books on dialectical therapy which she was very excited about for about 5 minutes - okay, a few days. I don't think she's committed to anything really except her own way; whatever she wants when she wants it and damn everyone else - she really has no compassion for other people. I feel so badly for my sister, who is also dealing with her mother's terminal cancer and has moved her into the house to provide hospice care.

She had the option to go to an excellent 9 month residential program but she refused to go, despite promising all of us that she would at the family intervention. So my sister and BIL have agreed to let her live at home and do outpatient and I surely hope she gets back on track and doesn't make their lives a living hell as she has been doing the past 2 years. We'll see.

Anyway it's their problem now; I'm very glad that I resisted all efforts to get me to change my plans and settle in NY, I just can't deal with that drama up close - long distance will be difficult enough. I love my niece like crazy, when she was little she was my favorite little kid of all time - but I don't really recognize the person she's become and after the time I spent with her in January/February and all the conversations we had that now seem to have been full of deceptions, I'm feeling very jaded.

Note to self: at the top of the long list of things I never want to be is addiction counselor.

[MajGenl.Meade]

[Gob]

I don't think she's committed to anything really except her own way; whatever she wants when she wants it and damn everyone else - she really has no compassion for other people.

Defining features of BPD. Though I better watch out or I'll be accused of "pretending I'm up there with the PHd's" or "pretending to be a doctor".

[BoSoxGal]

Not by me! I've done enough work with folks with mental illness - and dealt with enough in my personal life, including my own battles with depression - that I know one can acquire a great deal of knowledge just from working with such folks in an intimate capacity, terminal degrees just add to the knowledge base in different ways.

I know enough from my experience that I was more upset about my niece's BPD diagnosis than I was about her drug addiction.

[Crackpot]

I don't think she's committed to anything really except her own way; whatever she wants when she wants it and damn everyone else - she really has no compassion for other people.

Defining features of BPD. Though I better watch out or I'll be accused of "pretending I'm up there with the PHd's" or "pretending to be a doctor".

We all know you're just a "screw" in a psych ward.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Sorry about your niece and I fear she is headed for a serious relapse.

don't think she's committed to anything really except her own way; whatever she wants when she wants it and damn everyone else - she really has no compassion for other people.

Self centerness is a well known trait in addicts.

now seem to have been full of deceptions, I'm feeling very jaded.

Lieing and manipulation are also well known traits of addicts.

Taking a lot of suboxone will make one numb emotionally.
Also, suboxone (even a normal dose) blocks the "high" of opiate use raising the danger for an overdose as the addict tries to get the "feeling".

Until she is ready, there is not much you (nor her parents) can do.
Lock up the valuables and pray.
I will be praying for her.

[BoSoxGal]

My older niece informed me this weekend that the younger one had attempted to have heroin delivered to the house last week, but her Facebook messages were intercepted by the older niece and reported to her mother - so that one attempt was thwarted, but it is only a matter of time.

She is supposed to be in intensive outpatient aftercare, 6 hours/day, but thus far has had only a few short appointments - I don't know if that's because the program doesn't have space for her yet, or because she's refusing to do the full program and her parents aren't pushing the issue.

She is clearly not suitable to be in outpatient aftercare, but for my own sanity I have made the same decision my older niece has made - to stay out of it entirely going forward. I won't lose my relationship with my sister and BIL because of her destructive behavior, and I know them both well enough to know that if I remind them anymore of the promises they made themselves to set boundaries and refuse her coming back into the house short of completing a long-term residential program, they will only grow to resent me. Same if I remind them that SHE made the promise to all of us, over and over during those weeks, that she WOULD go to such a program.

They know, I know, we all know. Now it's just waiting for the statistical likelihood of her death by OD to come to fruition. I will be there to listen but not comment whenever my sister asks, and I will be there to help her grieve when she loses her baby girl. Beyond that there is really nothing I can do and I know this from 45 years as a member of a highly dysfunctional addict-filled family.

Furthermore, because my older niece who lives in the midst of it has clearly expressed her disappointment with her parents' enabling of her sister, she is now being ostracized - and because I know she is taking the healthy approach, I believe she deserves all of the love and support I can give her while her parents, in their sickness, are withholding said from her. I should add that she, after 2 OUIs, has successfully completed a year-long outpatient rehabilitation program, attends AA, and has maintained her sobriety without relapse despite all the crap being flung at her and all the triggers involved with her sister's addiction.

My oldest brother is currently in the process of drinking himself to death, he hasn't left his apartment in weeks, won't answer my texts or calls and isn't speaking to anybody over there in NY either. He has been unemployed for almost two years now, is disabled and waiting for his SSDI appeal to process, and his mother is battling cancer and not doing well - so it appears he's finally decided he's tired of being around in this painful old world. I certainly hope he doesn't die, but again, there is nothing I can do - he has to want to live, he has to want to get better, and he clearly doesn't.

Life is suffering - with occasional moments of joy and hope.

[Long Run]

Sorry to hear so much sadness in your family. Take good care of yourself.

[TPFKA@W]

It sucks. Last Wednesday I got a message at work to contact my nephew's wife. Uh-oh. She informed me that my older brother was dead. I had not seen or spoken to him in over a decade. He was a drinker, a drug taker, seller and a bully. The man was a high school dropout who managed to screw up in the military (got posted in Hawaii during the last bit of Viet Nam and decided to be a drug runner and was less than honorably discharged.) He got into the bricklayer's union and made $65 an hour. Should have retired with a nice home and car paid for, but instead died in the back end of a trashy mobile home that was not paid for, with not even enough money to pay for his burial. He had drunk it all up and pissed it out. He had even cashed in his retirement and blew through it. There is much more to tell but the moral of my story is that this goes on in many families and generally you can shove money at a fix and it turns out to be a waste of your hard earned cash. Some people, by dint of their personality are simply unfixable. It is ok to excise these people and move on if you feel the need to do so.

[Gob]

Some people, by dint of their personality are simply unfixable. It is ok to excise these people and move on if you feel the need to do so.

More than that, it's a wise move.