A Story and a Poll

[Joe Guy]

To a few people here, this is something you never heard of or read because it was written at Cafe D'Artre. You may have no interest in it. I'm putting it here because I found it on my computer in a folder I copied and moved to newer computers. Up to now I thought I only had a hard copy. I know Scooter was interested in reading it so I thought, what the heck....?

One reason I'm posting this story is because of this....

In this thread I wrote the following -

"Anyway, I found it interesting that quad referenced a story I had written in which I used Harry & quad as characters. quad wrote - "(witness the crap he pulled on myself and the 'cop named harry' - whcih started everything in motion)" - implying that the story I wrote was "homophobic."

So, I've decided to post the story that quad referenced, which I composed the day after the 9/11 attack on the Twin Towers. I was inspired to do so because at the time quad was saying that there was going to be a run on the banks and that he was going to invest in gold and oil. This is not intended to be a thread about quad. I put it here because I'm interested in people's opinions of the story and whether you believe there is something "homophobic" about it.

Here it is in its entirety the way I wrote it about 11 years ago. I've done some very minor editing of some of the spelling. My misuse of punctuation is unchanged.

Read and enjoy or maybe not. Let me know what you think.

When Harry met Quad -

It was Wednesday, September 12th, 2001.

Harry was starting out his work day in the usual way. He’d just picked up his dozen Krispy Kremes and a cup of coffee. As usual, he’d yell “Put it on my bill!”, as he left the donut shop. The shop owner would also go through his usual routine of nodding and smiling and muttering something under his breath. Today it was, “Cheap bastard!”.

A short while later Harry was sitting in his squad car at the intersection of 3rd & Maple listening to Rush Limbaugh on the radio when suddenly he heard the roar of an approaching truck. He looked up, expecting to see a 40 ft tractor trailer but instead it was a gigantic black four wheel drive “Monster-truck” speeding down the road. It sped right through the intersection (and stop sign) and continued barreling down the road leaving Harry in a cloud of dust.

Harry gulped down his last donut, threw his coffee out the window, turned on his red lights and siren and screeched off the side of the road in hot pursuit.

The big black Monster slowed and pulled off the road into a dirt lot when Harry caught up with it. Harry felt for the lone bullet he kept in his shirt pocket, making sure it was there just in case he might need it.

This was the biggest pickup truck Harry had ever seen. The tires were so tall that he could walk under the truck without having to bend over. In fact, he realized that he would need a ladder just to get to the oil plug. The truck had a black chrome roll bar, fog lights, spot lights, high & low tail lights, a neon sign, bright chrome pipes a satellite dish and outside speakers.

Harry looked up and noticed there were four dead deer loaded in the back of the truck.

He pulled his megaphone out of his squad car and pointed it upward toward the driver’s side, an yelled, “I am a Police Officer. Step out of the truck. Bring your driver’s license, registration and proof of insurance with you.”

“Yeah, I hear ya!” was the response from the truck. The the driver’s door slowly opened. Harry was startled and had to jump back when a rope ladder unrolled and landed near him on the dirt. A very large man dressed in black slowly descended the ladder. On the back of his shirt, written in silver glitter was the name “QuadDriver”.

The man in black landed on the ground and slowly turned around to face Harry. His big round face seemed a bit tired but he managed a big smile and said, “Uh, what kin I do fer ya, officer?”

Harry replied, “First of all, let’s see your registration, license and proof of insurance.”

“Here ya go”.

Harry looked over the license. “Are you mister Quad Driver?” he asked. “Yer lookin at em”, Quad answered. “Mr Driver, it says here that you are six feet two inches and one hundred forty-five pounds. You don’t look an ounce under two hundred fifty..” Quad interrupted, “Those Motor Vehicle workers are dumber ‘an a lugnut. They musta messed up. I filled out the forms correct”.

Quad went on, “Why’d y’all pull me over? Is it cuz a them deers in my truck? I kilt ‘em fair and legal”.

“First of all”, Harry responded, “you went right smack through that stop sign. You were going above the speed limit and you’re carrying dead deer. I’d say you’ve broken at least two laws and I’m about to find out if you’ve broken more”.

“Oh, you mean that stop sign back a wayz?” Quad quizzed, then went on “I didn’t have to stop at that sign. That’s a citizen-volitional stop sign. as for my speed, I wuz doin what is reasonable under the current weather conditions. Unquestionably legal!”

“Oh come on Mr Driver! I’m the law here and I’m afraid you don’t know what you’re talking about. That was a legal stop sign. You didn’t slow or even attempt to make a complete stop. In fact, you went through it at ten miles per hour above the speed limit”.

Officer, what kind of source do you have to back up your claims? Some city ordinance manual written by a bunch of knee-jerk liberals that were hired to fill a racial quota? Lissen buddy, I have friends who are experts in law and order. Each and everyone of them agree with me that you don’t have to stop at a stop sign if nobody’s around - and the speed limit is a variable!!”.

“Uh huh”, Harry replied, “We’ll see about that. Now what about those deer? You have a hunting license? How’d you kill them?”

“I kilt ‘em with my four barrel shotgun. See, it’s a hangin’ on the rack up behind the driver’s seat”.

“Four barreled shot gun?”, Harry belched, “Where’d you get a four barreled shotgun?

“Well”, Quad grunted, “I own a machine shop. I milled, modified, mollified and codified it all by myself”.

“Hmmmmmmm.... well I’m going to climb up and examine those deer,” Harry explained, and then climbed up the rope to the truck bed.

After a few minutes Harry climbed down and said, “Mr Driver, those deer don’t look like they were shot. They’ve got broken legs, twisted antlers and large gashes across their torsos. And you have blood and antler and fur and hoof pieces stuck on the front of the grill and bumper of your truck.”

Quad stared into Harry’s eyes and said, “Have you ever fired up one-a them four barreled shotguns before, you bowl of oatmeal? When you open all four of ‘em up at once on a group of bucks ya mostly get deer burger. Has its advantages. I mostly like my venison ground up and seasoned and that’s how I start the process. I have a lot of friends who own boats. They say it’s perfectly legal. Some of those people have jobs in high places.”

“Wow!!” Harry puffed. He was starting to be impressed by this Quad character. “Maybe he’s right,” he thought to himself. “He speaks with authority. He quotes sources. He’s tall.”

“So, what’s this about a citizen vol...” “Citizen-volitional stop sign!!” Quad interrupted. “I have a buddy or two over at a website that is frequented by judges and lawyer-types. They told me that I don’t need to stop at those small town octagonal red signs unless conditions require caution. Don’t tell me YOU don’t know about that, mush-head. What are you? A knee-jerk by-the-book pussy liberal?”

Then Harry asked, “Why were you in such a hurry?”

“Doncha know anything pea-brain?” Quad yelled, “I’m on my way to the bank to withdraw all of the twenty dollar bills I kin get before’s they run out! Then I’m gonna go buy gold and oil. I said GOLD AND OIL, ya salt lick!! And I’m fillin’ up my gas tanks too!!”

“Gold and oil? Twenty dollar bills? Gasoline?” Harry thought to himself and then asked, “Why are you doing that?”

“Everybody knows that gold and oil prices are going to go through the roof now that we’ve been attacked by terrorists! Were you born yesterday, potato head?” Quad screeched.

“Well, I’ll have to check with my wife about those things” replied Harry. “She’s the expert on investments.”

“Expert Shmexpert!” spat quad. “All of the experts back me up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!!!!”

Harry was starting to be extremely impressed by QuadDriver’s knowledge. “This guy is smarter than he looks” he thought to himself. “I can’t help but be impressed by his vast array of knowledgeable jargon.”

“Well, Quad” said Harry, “I do have one more question for you. What’s in that suitcase in the back of your truck near the deer?”

“Oh, it’s just a 105MM howitzer round”, replied Quad.”

“Uh, okay Mr Driver”, Harry responded.

“Well, are YOU gonna waste anymore of my time, DIAPER MUNCHER!! or kin I get goin’ before the bak and the stock market close?”, queried the Quad.

“Here, Mr. Driver” Harry said as he handed Quad a ticket.

“YOU... I mean wha.....?” Quad sputtered.’‘Quad looked at his ticket. It was a ticket to the Policemen’s Ball this coming Friday night.

Harry winked at Quad. “I’ll pick you up at eight,” he offered, and then walked back to his squad car and drove off.

Quad was stunned. He felt unsettled for a minute.

“Damn!! What am I gonna wear?”, he whispered to himself.

THE END



Eta - "harry winked at quad, not winded.

[BoSoxGal]

[Rick]

If he needed a ladder to reach the oil plug how could he see into the truck bed?

[Joe Guy]

The deer were large and their antlers and a couple of their heads were hanging over the side of the truck bed.

You'll see that if the story ever goes to video.

[Lord Jim]

Eta - "harry winked at quad, not winded.

That's too bad....

Quad clearly deserves to be winded at....

[MajGenl.Meade]

I was asked to buy a ticket for a Policeman's Ball once. I said I didn't dance. The guy said it was a raffle.

[Gob]

Do we get to read chapter two, does Harry get swept off his feet by the man of his dreams?

[Joe Guy]

In chapter two Harry introduces quad to his friend, Timothy Geithner, and they all go out for donuts and coffee.