The Onion Knows....er.....Knew....

[Joe Guy]

This article is from The Onion - July 21, 2015...

Admit It: You People Want To See How Far This Goes, Don’t You?

Donald Trump

The latest polls are out, and just as I predicted, I’m leading the Republican presidential race by a wide margin. You might be wondering how that could be. After all, it’s hardly been a month since I entered the field and I’ve already alienated America’s largest immigrant population, seen dozens of my high-profile business deals implode one after the other, and publicly insulted a national hero’s military service, all while not offering a single viable policy idea. But none of that matters at all, and my candidacy continues to surge forward, because none of you—not a single one of you—can look away. Not even for a second.

Admit it: You people want to see just how far this goes, don’t you?

My campaign’s just barely begun and I’ve already got you begging for more. Sure, you can say you oppose me or that you don’t even take me seriously. But let me ask you: How many articles have you read about Ted Cruz lately? How many news segments have you watched on Bobby Jindal? Or Rand Paul? But if those stories have the name “Donald Trump” in them, well, look who suddenly can’t get enough.

The thing is, I’ve got all of you eating out of my hand and I haven’t even released a single campaign commercial yet. Don’t look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want to stick around and see what that looks like, because you and I both know these ads are going to be absolutely incredible. I’ll be standing there projecting my best presidential air, saying “I’m Donald Trump, and I approve this message,” and you won’t be able to take your eyes off it.

You keep obsessing over every little thing I do and say, and I promise you’ll get your commercials real soon.

I can tell you’re practically salivating right now. And I’m going to keep riding this fascination, this little fixation you have with me as far as you’ll take me. You know I will.

And the TV spots are just the beginning. I know you, and I know what you like. You’ll absolutely eat it up when you see the “Trump ’16” T-shirts, the lawn signs, the bumper stickers; in fact, you’ll probably get a real kick out of pointing them out to your friends. Now, just imagine me shaking hands with senior citizens at a nursing home in Iowa. Wouldn’t you love to watch that? Or hear what comes out of my mouth when I speak to blue-collar workers at a struggling auto factory?

You say that doesn’t interest you? Oh, right, because you’re dying to see how Scott Walker behaves in those situations, right? Give me a break.

Just take a moment and imagine the primary debates: Jeb Bush; Chris Christie; me. Of course, they’ll put me in the middle because I’m ahead in the polls—far ahead at the moment. You already know how I answer even the most basic inquiries, so just picture me staring down the barrel of a question about foreign affairs or agriculture policy or something like that. You think you won’t sit there with bated breath while I try to tackle a question about using military force, or about food stamps, or about how my faith influences my decision-making? I guarantee you that my answers will be worth watching. And we both know you wouldn’t miss them for the world. It’d be the biggest, most-watched primary debate in history, courtesy of all of you.

And might I remind you that the longer this goes on, the closer I get to selecting a running mate. That realization kind of delighted you in a way, didn’t it? You absolutely want to know who I’d pick. A defeated GOP challenger who hates my guts? Another lunatic billionaire? Maybe my own son, Donald Trump Jr.? Whatever your wildest expectation is, I promise you I will surpass it. You’re not going to pass up an opportunity to see that, are you?

I can tell you’re practically salivating right now. And I’m going to keep riding this fascination, this little fixation you have with me as far as you’ll take me. You know I will.

So don’t try to tell me you’d be just as happy to watch one of these other bozos go toe-to-toe with Hillary Clinton or give a soaring speech at the national convention. And don’t delude yourself into thinking it’s everyone else who wants to watch me do this and you’re somehow above it. You want to see it. You want more. You hear “Trump” and your attention snaps to the TV screen right away.

Don’t think it’s true? Fine. You know what you have to do to make me go away. Just quit paying attention. Stop reading this right now.

That’s right, I didn’t think so. I have the power to make the next 16 months one of the most incredible times in our nation’s history, and not a single one of you can say you’re not at least a little bit curious to see how this wild ride shakes out. So just keep clicking every link that mentions my name and hitting play on every clip of my public appearances, and I promise you will not be disappointed.

Now, excuse me, but I have to go appear at a New Hampshire town hall and make a statement that every last one of you will be eagerly reading about and discussing in just a few hours’ time.

source

[Scooter]

[Bicycle Bill]

Another problem Canada has with that map is that Northern Michigan (otherwise known as "da Yoo Pee") sits on top of Wisconsin like a toque, and is not actually a part of Wisconsin itself.
Although they have offered to merge with Wisconsin, since they claim they don't feel that they are being treated like a part of Michigan by the rest of their state either.

-"BB"-

[RayThom]

I bet The Onion is high-fiving themselves all over the place.

Trump: A self-fulfilling prophecy. (aka. Pygmalion Effect)

[Crackpot]

Hey the western up was our prize for being smart enough to cede Toledo to those whiney Buckeye losers.

[Lord Jim]

Trump represents a singular challenge for satirists, because he is himself such an out-sized caricature, that he's very difficult to parody...

His own statements frequently exceed the bounds of credible satire...

For example, if a writer at The Onion a few weeks ago had written a phony story about Trump accusing the father of one of his opponents of being involved in the Kennedy Assassination, their editor would probably have said, "Oh, come on let's try to come up with something a little less blatantly ridiculous than that."

[rubato]

Trump succeeds because he represents the majority of GOP voters; who are themselves a caricature of human beings.




yrs,
rubato

[Beer Sponge]

Don't be such an ass, rubato.

[Crackpot]

Hey! I'll have you know rubato was being quite generous in his description. After all he doesn't even rise to the level of caricature.

[rubato]

Don't be such an ass, rubato.

By winning the votes he has proved the truth of what I said.



yrs,
rubato

[rubato]

Trump is just a mirror showing you about yourselves what the rest of us have seen for decades.



yrs,
rubato

[Lord Jim]

You should hold up a mirror and see what the rest of us have been seeing for decades...

[rubato]

Hey I know! If the truth is painful just change the subject! That way, you don't have to fix it!


Moron


yrs,
rubato

[Lord Jim]

Hey I know! If the truth is painful just change the subject! That way, you don't have to fix it!


Moron

yrs,
rubato

Gee rube, you've tried that approach so many times you'd think you'd know by now that you never get away with it...

Looking at the clock, it appears that you didn't get called in for your part-time lab assistant gig today...

Are you taking advantage of the free time to mix up some Margaritas?

[rubato]

And how DO you explain that a large plurality of voters in YOUR party have made Trump YOUR candidate for president?

Its your problem asshole. You have to fix it or it will get even worse. You allowed the racist, lunatic fringe to take over your party. You promoted them, and you excused every jackass lying thing Bush did which has now cost us trillions, and counting. Your party is a nightmare. A disaster. A curse on America. Everything you do makes us weaker, sicker, and poorer. Your party could not even support a bill to help keep Zika virus out of the U.S. because a Democratic president suggested it.

Grow a set of balls and deal with it.


yrs,
rubato

[Joe Guy]

Are you taking advantage of the free time to mix up some Margaritas?