Users and abusers

[The Hen]

What do you do with a 'friend' that only ever contacts you when their world has fallen apart. And when they do contact you they refuse to take any of the requested advice that you have given?

Is it worth continuing the 'friendship', or should I resign myself to accepting the fact that the friendship was possibly only ecver one-sided and I have been used as a personal garbage dump for this persons issues?

[@meric@nwom@n]

Well I could give you advice on how to deal with this, but then I might have to deal with you not taking my advice. Because that is how it is when you give advice. Besides that advice is easy to give, not always so easy to put into place and utilize.

As to the friendship part, if it has become a toxic relationship you probably already know what you ought to do.

[rubato]

What do you do with a 'friend' that only ever contacts you when their world has fallen apart. And when they do contact you they refuse to take any of the requested advice that you have given?... "

I don't know. I've never had a friend like that. I've had housemates, acquaintances, and co-workers like that but no friends.

And none of them for all that long.

yrs,
rubato

[loCAtek]

Exactly, it takes trust to get beyond that; no trust, no friendship. Let it go, no great shakes.

[Andrew D]

What do you do with a 'friend' that only ever contacts you when their world has fallen apart. And when they do contact you they refuse to take any of the requested advice that you have given?

Is it worth continuing the 'friendship', or should I resign myself to accepting the fact that the friendship was possibly only ecver one-sided and I have been used as a personal garbage dump for this persons issues?

I am no authority on any such subject; I am just a poor featherless biped haplessly schlepping my way through an incomprehensible universe. Nonetheless, something occurs to me. You ask whether you should "resign yourself to ... the fact that ... I have been useed as a personal garbage dump ...."

What occurs to me is that maybe that person was not using you as a garbage dump; maybe that person was relying on you as someone to whom he or she could vent all the garbage that was accumulating in her or his life. Seeing you not as a place to dump garbage but as a person in whom he or she could repose her or his full trust, venting because you were not merely the only available outlet but also the only person to whom he or she could be so open with as to "let it all hang out" -- to disclose things which he or she might feel unable to disclose to others.

Just a thought.

[dgs49]

I think this is a Mars/Venus thing.

Women don't complain to you because they are looking for a solution, they just want you to empathize with them and help them try to get through it.

Indeed, for most of life's serious trials there is no "solution," but merely different ways of coping.

[The Hen]

Perhaps she is only an 'acquaintance', perhaps she is 'toxic'.

Perhaps she only ever wanted to use me for her 'mememe' issues.

I would like to think that you are correct here Andrew. I would like to think that she was relying on me.

However, I always found it frustrating that all her problems could be simply solved if they looked at it in a different way.

I really don't like giving up on people. I just get so frustrated when the same issues arise again and again and again for her (as they will continue to do so unless she dramatically changes her outlook and way of dealing/coping with issues).

[The Hen]

Lo, letting go is never easy. Letting go is also (in some cases) the wrong thing to do.

[kristina]

My take on it would be, well, "it depends". (thanks, kristina...that's very helpful)

Does hearing from this person make you happy?

Was there ever a time when this person's life wasn't a trainwreck and the two of you had a more reciprocal friendship?

Does this person, after downloading into your ear, ever take a breath and say "Thanks, Hen. How's by you? What's Gob been doing? How's the Hatch?" My best friend patiently and cheerfully listens to me vent about the same things over and over, (although I do try not to be too much of a bore), and then it's her turn.


It's difficult to know when to say "stop", but these are just a few questions that came to mind.

[BoSoxGal]

In the end what matters most is:

How well did you live?
How well did you love?
How well did you learn to let go?


Finding the balance is life's greatest challenge.

Cultivate peace in your own heart, Hen. Sometimes it's necessary to detox from certain persons & places to be successful in that venture.

[loCAtek]

Likely they're depressed, while this can be an extended condition, you shouldn't take it personally: you didn't fail them. You did your best.
If what you or they need is a time-out now, give it; it's not giving up.

How to Help a Friend with Depression

[oldr_n_wsr]

Being an acoholic in recovery I see/hear peoples stories every night (trying to do the 90 in 90 thingy). Meny have relapsed and are on the perpetual merry-go-round that is alcoholism. I think that all they need is someone to listen to their stories, someone to hear them vent, to let them get something that's bothering them off their chest.
Not all problems have support groups like AA and Hen maybe youare this "friends" support group. Listen, give whatever advice you can and then step back.

[Miles]

Perhaps you should ask your 'friend' a simple question. "What can I do to help you?"