Plan B Forum

COPENHAGEN (The Borowitz Report)—After rebuffing Donald J. Trump’s hypothetical proposal to purchase Greenland, the government of Denmark has announced that it would be interested in buying the United States instead.

“As we have stated, Greenland is not for sale,” a spokesperson for the Danish government said on Friday. “We have noted, however, that during the Trump regime pretty much everything in the United States, including its government, has most definitely been for sale.”

“Denmark would be interested in purchasing the United States in its entirety, with the exception of its government,” the spokesperson added.

A key provision of the purchase offer, the spokesperson said, would be the relocation of Donald Trump to another country “to be determined,” with Russia and North Korea cited as possible destinations.

If Denmark’s bid for the United States is accepted, the Scandinavian nation has ambitious plans for its new acquisition. “We believe that, by giving the U.S. an educational system and national health care, it could be transformed from a vast land mass into a great nation,” the spokesperson said.

wesw wrote:nah, just y0u, c00ter...., just y0u......

wesw wrote:I'm s0000000 high.

I'm t00 spaced 0ut to feel my t0ngue.

I'll just keep banging 0n the keyb0ard and pretend t0 be making sense.

Exhausted Americans petition Greenland to purchase US instead

WASHINGTON – Millions of fed-up Americans have petitioned the autonomous Danish territory of Greenland to purchase the 243-year-old waning superpower for better healthcare, democratic representation, and fewer international embarrassments.

“Please, save us Greenland!” said Nora Blithe of Raleigh, North Carolina. “We’ll be your province or protectorate or whatever. I just need better healthcare coverage because my country doesn’t seem to care about me dying.”

The petition, which already has garnered 158 million signatures, calls for the removal of helpless American institutions like the US Congress and the electoral college and replaced with Greenland’s multi-party legislature and a proportional representation voting system.

“I find Premier Kim Kielsen has a more effective policy on gun control in a place where you actually need guns,” said Forest Abelman of Portland, Oregon. “Also, I don’t think the Premier called Jews disloyal to their religion if they didn’t vote for him, or referred to himself as the ‘Second Coming of God,’ so being Greenlandish sounds great to me!”

At press time, the Government of Greenland has disappointed many Americans by rejecting a separate petition calling for President Donald Trump to be placed on one of its many melting glaciers.

Trump tweeted on Tuesday that "based on Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen's comments, that she would have no interest in discussing the purchase of Greenland, I will be postponing our meeting scheduled in two weeks for another time".

"Trump tweeted on Tuesday that "based on Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen's comments, that she would have no interest in discussing the purchase of Greenland, I will be postponing our meeting scheduled in two weeks for another time".

MajGenl.Meade wrote:I guess no Danish with the covfefe.

Trump tweeted on Tuesday that "based on Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen's comments, that she would have no interest in discussing the purchase of Greenland, I will be postponing our meeting scheduled in two weeks for another time".