“Ram the iceberg! We can’t afford to let it make us look weak!”

[Econoline]

From Facebook:

STATEMENT OF CHARLES LIGHTOLLER, SECOND OFFICER, R.M.S. TITANIC
12:20 am, April 14, 1912

First, before we get into our recommendations for what to do now with regard to this iceberg mishap, like all of the officers and crew of the Titanic, I want to thank Captain Smith for his terrific leadership in this situation. It's been stupendous. I don't think any captain in the history of the White Star Line has done such an incredible job, and all of us agree that nobody could match the amazing work that he has done in commanding this ship. The man is a genius at navigation.

In a minute we're going to get into the procedures Captain Smith has worked out for making the Titanic great again, but first I want to urge you not to listen to the Fake News reports that we are in a crisis.

Some of these frankly stupid reports claim that we hit an iceberg. Look around you—do you see any icebergs? Here we are on the placid freezing waters of the North Atlantic, not an iceberg in sight. We may have grazed an iceberg a little, forty or fifty minutes ago, but Captain Smith is on top of the situation. He guarantees you that we aren't going to hit any more icebergs.

The people making these negative reports are losers. They are weak sisters, enemies of the Titanic and the White Star Line. They don't deserve to be aboard such a classy ship. They'll never mention that as of 11:40 this evening, the Titanic was on its way to setting a record for the fastest-ever crossing of the Atlantic. It's a fact. Captain Smith's predecessor, on the Olympic, never crossed the Atlantic so fast. The lying critics won't tell you how terrible things were on the Olympic. But we remember, don’t we? Captain Smith has turned that around, and we've had an unbroken record of success after success under his amazing leadership.

And don't worry about the lifeboats. Some of these morons claim there are not enough lifeboats for everyone on board. But Captain Smith has forgotten more about lifeboats than these losers will ever know. He's an expert on lifeboats. His uncle designed lifeboats. When and if the time comes to get into the lifeboats, there will be plenty of lifeboats.

So the heart of Captain Smith's plan—the best plan—to deal with our situation centers around these actions:

1) To maximize lifeboat space, the Captain has ordered that we close off the gangplanks. As of this minute, no additional passengers will be allowed to board the Titanic.

2) For security purposes, we are requiring that you all be prepared to show your tickets. We will board lifeboats by class—first class passengers, who have paid the most, will get seats in the comfort section, then second class in economy, and finally, if need be, those of you in steerage may cling to the gunnels. No one without a ticket will be given access to a lifeboat.

3) Captain Smith has arranged for our orchestra—the finest musicians in the White Star universe—to play a free concert here on deck, a medley of popular and inspirational tunes, including their hit, "Nearer My God to Thee."

4) The crew and staff of the Titanic will get to work immediately rearranging the deck chairs for maximum comfort and usability.

We of the crew of the Titanic want to thank Captain Smith again for his terrific leadership. We have never served under a man who has done more to get the people under his charge to their final destination, and I think we can all agree that no maiden voyage of any ship in the history of steamships has been as memorable as this one. And it's all due to Captain Smith and his stable genius, which I do not hesitate to say will never be forgotten.