Is it me, or?

[BoSoxGal]

I posted this comment as an aside in another thread, but wanted to drill down on it a bit more.

I find myself devolving further and further into misanthropy, but I can’t decide if it’s me turning curmudgeonly or me responding rationally to a changing world.

I know that statistically I’m smack dab in the midst of the second largest group for serious depression, but I do wonder a lot whether I’m in a normal trend, or if the world is getting worse and everything along with it.

Will I actually be more cheerful and hopefully again in 10 years as I once was in years past, or am I on an inexorable downhill slide into further curmudgeonly, misanthropic cat-kicking and kid-tripping?

The future feels bleak. I keep telling myself that I understand very keenly the power of the human brain to cloud perception, and that we are living in particularly dark times that would certainly serve to cloud perception . . .

Sometimes when I’m feeling lowly, I recall a happy summer weekend in 2015 when the adult son of a childhood friend visited me at my lovely old house in Montana, along with his male partner, on their way to take up residence and schooling in Seattle. They stayed for the weekend and one night we went to dinner at a lovely restaurant in Helena and a friend, the newly invested gay progressive pastor of a local church, joined us. We all talked excitedly about the SCOTUS decision of the previous week legalizing marriage equality throughout the land. It seemed like life was moving smoothly on that long arc toward justice.

Just a few weeks later I watched the first Republican primary debate while vacationing on Cape Cod, and despite being in a very happy place, I felt the hand of dread. Turns out it was the start of a physical health crisis, but I had no idea there was prescience happening too. It has been a long slow descent into darkness since then, and I am terrified this darkness won’t end.

[TPFKA@W]

I became very depressed this summer as I sat in my chair, fairly immobile, and felt myself gaining weight. From inside my house looking out it looked like the world was falling to pieces with the pandemic in full swing. I got a recumbent exercise bike to ride when I finally was mobile enough to get to it, I had my husband bring in the giant fan we have for the enclosed porch to where my bike sat. I would turn it on, because wind blowing in my face is one of the most blissful experiences, and ride with my eyes closed. It would drain all the depression away.

Keep in mind how many times the world has changed back and forth over the years. If Trump is re-elected for 4 more years, it is highly likely that after that someone of the opposite party will take over and our country will take a swing in a different direction.

Find something that gives you bliss. Try to do it every day. It can be something very simple, like my bike and the fan.

Most improvidently, keep the kid tripping and cat kicking theoretical.

[Big RR]

Keep in mind how many times the world has changed back and forth over the years. If Trump is re-elected for 4 more years, it is highly likely that after that someone of the opposite party will take over and our country will take a swing in a different direction.

To me that's the most important thing; every time you're tempted to despair, try and remember that there have difficult times before and the path always led to better times. Indeed, it is worth the fight to regain the better times, and those times will come if we push on towards them. Think how it was when the specter of nuclear destruction in the near future was real enough that we had to practice duck and cover drills in schools and many intelligent people panicked and built bomb shelters. Think of what it was like when flunking out of (or not getting into) college (or changing one's major to one that could not be completed in 4 years) was a one way ticket to Vietnam for many young men. And we survived and, at times, prospered.

There are a lot of positives in the instant time (look at gay and lesbian marriage, e.g., and recall when gay people were jailed or committed to asylums), and we can create a better future. And focusing on that is definitely worthwhile. We just have to try to see beyond the negatives--it's not easy right now, but it's all we can do.

[dales]

Rx: SSRI or SNRI.

[TPFKA@W]

Rx: SSRI or SNRI.

It can cause weight gain and sexual dysfunction among other things in some which can be equally depressing. I highly recommend fresh air, as much exercise as you can tolerate, sunshine, and dog petting first and SSRI things last.

[Guinevere]

There is no question we are living in dark times, perhaps the darkest in memory for some of us. Plus the hormonal changes our bodies go through add extra challenges. But I agree with BigRR and @W that times do change, and they will change.

In the meantime, along with being active and involved in the world and working for change, don't forget to take care of yourself, too. Putting ourselves first is one of the hardest skills to learn, particularly, it seems, in women who are always caretakers for everyone around them, but less so for themselves. Find something active that moves you, find a new hobby or interest to play with, get outside for whatever and however you can, find a therapist if talking helps, and yes meds are also an option.

2020, coming on the heels of 2019, which was one of the darkest years of my life with losing my Mom, started very bleakly. I was just plain exhausted, struggling with my weight (again) and the physical impacts on my knee and some other all new health issues were particularly upsetting, while trying to balance too much work and not enough time to take care of myself. Oddly, the pandemic has given me the space to figure some of that out, and to take more time for myself. Not that work has quieted down -- its been the opposite really, my practice is booming -- but working from home has given me the space and flexibility to do things I haven't focussed on in a while. I found a therapist, she diagnosed me with anxiety, and I started some meds. I asked my GP for help and she recommended a medically supervised weight loss program, so I started cooking again, and now I'm back to eating beautiful food, in smaller healthier portions. My pool reopened in June, and I'm swimming 3x a week. This summer, I lost somewhere between 30 and 35 pounds.

So hang in there. Figure what ever you can manage or what works for you, and then run with it (or crawl, or walk, or take whatever little steps you need to start, -- and believe me, I was limping into these changes, literally, and then build on them). It will get better. At 54, I feel stronger and fitter and in a better place than I have been in probably the last several years.

[Guinevere]

Rx: SSRI or SNRI.

It can cause weight gain and sexual dysfunction among other things in some which can be equally depressing. I highly recommend fresh air, as much exercise as you can tolerate, sunshine, and dog petting first and SSRI things last.

I've found you can mitigate the impacts of SSRIs by taking the lowest possible therapeutic dose, and yes, adding in more exercise and sunshine. Having a sexy and patient Swede who makes you laugh helps, too.

[Guinevere]

I also recommend checking out Dr. Sarah Gottfried and her hormone reset programs, and other advice. She shares a lot of information free on insta, and you don't need to buy her specific and expensive products, if you're willing to spend some time looking for similar options.

[ex-khobar Andy]

There are a lot of positives in the instant time (look at gay and lesbian marriage, e.g., and recall when gay people were jailed or committed to asylums), and we can create a better future. And focusing on that is definitely worthwhile. We just have to try to see beyond the negatives--it's not easy right now, but it's all we can do.

I was in Trader Joe's yesterday and the next guy to me (OK he was 6 feet away) in the checkout line was wearing an Alan Turing T-shirt. I mentioned to him that an old professor of mine had worked with Turing during the war at Bletchley Park, decoding the Enigma. I never knew that at the time - it was still an Official Secret and remained so until 1977 - and he (my Prof) wrote a book about his experiences there which I bought at Bletchley Park when I visited a few years ago. We agreed that Turing was a great man.

When I got out to the parking lot I suddenly remembered what they had done to him. Turing was gay at a time when it was illegal. He was convicted of 'gross indecency' in 1952. As a result of the trial he was obliged to start a course of what amounted to a chemical castration. His security clearance was withdrawn. He died of cyanide poisoning in 1954 - whether it was accidental or suicide is still uncertain. There are those who say that Turing and the Bletchley decoders shortened the European war by a year or more and saved countless lives on both sides. And he was not allowed to express himself and love as he wished.

For most of us that's during our lifetime. It's not ancient history. We've come a long way. There is still a way to go, but let's never lose the progress we have made.

[Big RR]

And BSG, don't mistake my post for thinking that your feelings are trivial; they are not. Also, there's a big difference from being depressed and depression, and if you believe your feelings might lead to the latter, by all means explore the options suggested by Guin and others, and look into medical causes such as hormonal imbalances. There's so much that can unbalance our feelings our emotions, and from friends who got treatment, you don't have to live that way and you shouldn't.

[BoSoxGal]

I’ve struggled with recurrent major depression and in between dysthymia since I was a teenager - just one of the joys of very early childhood acute traumatic experiences. So I’ve gone the SSRI/SNRI route numerous times and had some benefit that eventually becomes far less beneficial than the burden of extensive side effects. Walking in nature has been my therapeutic in recent times, but pandemic and then our very hot summer got me off track - I’m getting back on.

This isn’t that kind of depression that I’m talking about, so much as a) wondering if it’s just normal to become more and more jaded with advancing age, and b) is our world also really at a teetering point - because it sure seems like it in more ways than one.



Our fascist leader just compared shooting an unarmed black civilian 7 times in the back to choking on a 3 foot golf putt.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

[ex-khobar Andy]

Our fascist leader just compared shooting an unarmed black civilian 7 times in the back to choking on a 3 foot golf putt.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

Un-fucking-believable.

Unfortunately, it is totally fucking believable. That's how far we've come.

[Guinevere]

I’ve struggled with recurrent major depression and in between dysthymia since I was a teenager - just one of the joys of very early childhood acute traumatic experiences. So I’ve gone the SSRI/SNRI route numerous times and had some benefit that eventually becomes far less beneficial than the burden of extensive side effects. Walking in nature has been my therapeutic in recent times, but pandemic and then our very hot summer got me off track - I’m getting back on.

This isn’t that kind of depression that I’m talking about, so much as a) wondering if it’s just normal to become more and more jaded with advancing age, and b) is our world also really at a teetering point - because it sure seems like it in more ways than one.

Understood the question, and I think the answer is it depends. Other things going on with any of us will influence our outlook. As for jaded/age, for me its having less patience with and for utter stupidity, malice, lies, and ugliness. And yes, I think the world is at a teetering point, but again, I think it has teetered before and come back (a bit). Different reasons for the teetering though, and perhaps not as recoverable as teeters of the past.

[Guinevere]

Our fascist leader just compared shooting an unarmed black civilian 7 times in the back to choking on a 3 foot golf putt.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

Un-fucking-believable.

Unfortunately, it is totally fucking believable. That's how far we've come.

It is not unbelievable that the facist would say such things, but it is still unbelievable to me that he was ever elected President and that any human with a brain and/or a heart supports him, and thinks he is doing good in the world. It's vomit inducing.

[BoSoxGal]

This is at the root of my dark feelings; no matter the outcome of this election there will be tens of millions who vote for Trump after all they’ve seen these 4 years, and I struggle to swallow that I am surrounded by so many such people. That bell can’t be unrung.

And the burning planet.


It just seems very bleak.

[Guinevere]

The burning planet keeps me awake nights more than almost anything else.

[dales]

Especially in CALIFORNIA.

To wit:

Heat wave coming to Bay Area, with temps to exceed 105 in some spots

By Amy Graff, SFGATE Updated 1:10 pm PDT, Tuesday, September 1, 2020


It's about to get hot, sizzling hot.

Saturday will mark the start of a robust warming trend with inland temperatures climbing into the 100s over the three-day Labor Day weekend, according to the National Weather Service.

"We could potentially be looking at record-breaking temperatures this weekend and into next week," said Drew Peterson, a forecaster with the NWS's Bay Area office.


The heat wave is likely to trigger excessive heat warnings and is concerning for firefighters battling multiple wildfires in the greater Bay Area.

What's more, the weather shift is the result of a ridge of high pressure that can act as a lid, trapping smoke produced by the wildfires in the atmosphere.

"Another week, another major California heatwave," Daniel Swain, a climate scientist with the Institute of the Environment and Sustainability at the University of California, Los Angeles, shared on Twitter. "This will undoubtedly complicate ongoing wildfire situation, & may have elevated health impacts given ongoing 'smokestorm' conditions that make it difficult to spend time outdoors/open windows."

Another week, another major California heatwave. This will undoubtedly complicate ongoing wildfire situation, & may have elevated health impacts given ongoing "smokestorm" conditions that make it difficult to spend time outdoors/open windows. #CAwx #CAfire https://t.co/dV8WjpoJeQ

— Daniel Swain (@Weather_West) September 1, 2020
A marine layer will keep coastal areas cool and in the 60s through the work week. Temperatures in inland valleys will begin a slow climb, going from the high-70s to low-80s on Tuesday to the high-70s to high-80s by Friday.


On Saturday temperatures will make a big jump with widespread 90s forecast across the interior, 80s near the San Francisco Bay Shoreline and 70s just inland from the immediate coastline, according to the NWS report.

The warm-up is expected to persist into Sunday and potentially into Monday as the hottest interior locations reach up to 100 to 105 degrees with a few spots exceeding 105.

"Places like Cloverdale and maybe even portions of the far East Bay like Byron and Discovery Bay" are likely to see the hottest temperatures, said NWS meteorologist Matt Mehle.

Coastal locations on Sunday and Monday could climb into the 80s as well, but a light ocean breeze will prevent them from becoming too hot.


While weather models agree a widespread heat wave will unfold, they're unclear on which day will be the hottest and how high the mercury will rise in coast area, the NWS said.

"Folks are urged to keep up-to-date with the latest forecast information in the coming days as confidence is increasing for heat risks to become a concern, especially across the interior Sunday into Monday," the NWS said.


The heat wave is in the forecast due to a high pressure ridge building over the Northwest and California. Swain called the ridge "extraordinary" and of "record strength" for this time of year. Some all-time temperatures record "may be threatened," he said.

But San Francisco will not even come close to its all-time high of 106 degrees recorded on Labor Day 2017.

"We may actually have stronger high pressure than we did for that event, but we may still have some onshore flow, winds coming off of our cold ocean, preventing temperatures from hitting 106 in San Francisco," said Mehle.

The heat wave will not only impact the Bay Area, but all of California, Oregon, Washington and British Columbia.

[Gob]

Without wanting to appear to be a contrarian, (again, ) I'm in a happy place. I'm retired, living in a place I love, loads of good friends (just back from a walking/sightseeing holiday with some in Wells.) I have a small but sufficient income. Loads of future plans, and Margo (my RV as you yanks call them I believe,) has just passed her MOT so I can holiday whenever the whim takes me. I have two loving dogs who are my constant companions. The gym I use has reopened and has very few attendees.

There are downsides of course, I haven't been in the company my wife, the one true love of my life, since March, and it's looking like we won't be back together until next July at the earliest. (We speak everyday on the phone, which is small compensation.) This, after two years of 24/7 together, is a downer, but we are stoic about it, and know that it, in future, will be one of those episodes in our frankly odd, life together we look back on with wry grins..

Life could, and will, be prefect, but not for a while yet.

[Big RR]

BSG--Your question about attitudes while aging has made me think; like Guin I find myself far less tolerant of idiocy of people, especially politicians, but I also find myself not getting as wound up about things as I would have in my past. For example I recall campaigning heavily for the impeachment of Nixon (a president I couldn't stand, but one who was far superior to Trump)--getting petitions signed, even speaking at rallies, while now I tend to focus my energies (maybe because there are less) at things which I believe will/could make more of a difference (like marching in some of the BLM demonstrations). I think I've become more philosophical about things and can tolerate the ebbs and flows better. However, I do have friends who are more like you and behave in the opposite way, getting very upset about nearly everything and becoming very vociferous about it. I'm not certain why some proceed one way and some others--I don't see it as matter of circumstances (whether one is well off or comfortable or in dire straits doesn't appear to make a difference), nor does their activism in the past, but I do see it.

Indeed, I think the rage is fairly common among Trump supporters; I have a friend who is strong Trump supporter who agrees Trump is an idiot but also believes we need someone in the WH like him to "shake things up" and "stop the bullshit"; I recall the same sort of thing when I voted for George McGovern (a guy who probably would have been an ineffective president; he couldn't even put a team together to vet his initial VP nomination, e.g.) because we needed to "shake up the government" after years of a war and fairly little progress on civil rights.

I'd like to say I learned from my past actions in becoming mellow, but I honestly don't think that's it. I just don't know why.

[BoSoxGal]

I guess to clarify, in my case it isn’t so much an all encompassing anger (although a lot I see going on would justify an angry response, so I understand those who are), but more a feeling of despair.

I don’t see anything improving around me in any fundamental way in the short time I have left to enjoy the planet. The economy will be painful for a great many people, especially the working class people I come from and live and work amongst, for years to come - a decade at very least. The climate is a horror show - 50 days above 110 degrees in Phoenix this year which isn’t even over, shattering previous record of 33 days. Massachusetts the other home of my childhood is in the second serious drought since I moved home 4 years ago. The world is burning fast and the natural world here in south coast Massachusetts that was the first source of joy and escape in my life is changing in very fundamental ways that make it almost unrecognizable compared to my memories of it. And the people are almost all angry stressed or depressed, with deep ideological division that feels like a powderkeg waiting for the right spark. I’m not sure this election will go off without violence, whoever wins.

Just general despair. I do try to get out of my head and into birdsong or whatever each day, but I definitely feel like I’m stuck on survive. I need the thing with feathers.