Plan B Forum

I am 51, soon to roll over to 52.

In the last couple of years I have lost half a dozen friends to cardiac issues, cancers and one to a horrific plane crash. They were all also in my age group, close in age.


Is it normal to lose a bunch of peers in midlife?

I guess it must be, given the actuarial tables.

Still it’s very unsettling. I am feeling an urge to do something completely out of the box.

BoSoxGal wrote: ↑

Tue Aug 23, 2022 11:00 pm

Is it normal to lose a bunch of peers in midlife?

When I was in my 50s a lot of people aged 60 and over were dying (especially in my family). Nowadays, I seem to notice a lot of people dying in their 60s and 70s but I suppose I'm just noticing that more because of my own age.

BoSoxGal wrote: ↑

Tue Aug 23, 2022 11:03 pm

I am feeling an urge to do something completely out of the box.

At almost 72, staying out of the box sounds good.

Wish I'd actuate the feeling and improve my diet and exercise.

In my 50s I started to notice the same thing; when I got in my 60s, I even noticed friends/family members younger than me were dying (and that was a real eye opener). But like Meade, I haven't exactly migrated to a healthier lifestyle--I eat marginally better than I did (mainly because I'm not as hungry) and do some exercise (even still hike, bike ride, and ski), but I should be doing more.

My dad always attended his high school class reunions. He graduated in 1927. He said that his class lost more between their 50th and 55th year reunions than they had in the previous 55 years. That would be between ages 68 and 73. Those were also guys who fought the second world war.

I guess what we've discovered here is that the older folks get, the more likely it is that significant numbers of us will die while others stay alive and wonder at this strange series of events.

BSG pay attention 30 years from now. (that's where I am temporally) It is easy to look around and have an attack of survivors guilt. Where is Library Guy now that I really need him? Last night I went to a restaurant for the first time with a group that has been regularly inviting me. One person is just starting grad-school. I asked about his school's free classes for seniors but he knew nothing. Another had pictures of their only grand daughter, that was less than a week old. Everybody made the expected AHWWWW noise. My only grand-daughter is more than 25 years old. HS reunion? I had a class of 240. I and others have contact information for 7. The HS building does not even exist now. As many have said, with many variations: Getting old is not for wimps.

snailgate

My eldest (only) granddaughter turned 30 last week. I have an email address for one person with whom I went to school. For all I know, all 700 boys in my school are already dead (except him and I'm not sure about him). Of my blood family, an almost expired aunt, an even more almost expired uncle, a cousin, and my own son (46 yesterday and has sworn never to progenerate) are all that remain.

I used to keep on my PC the obituaries or personal messages advising of a death of my co-workers and friends. I gave it up when the memory upgrade got to be too expensive. Those were peers who died in my mid-life, i guess. All "before their time" as the silly saying goes.

Since then, there did seem to be a hiatus in the "but that's my age!" events. Until recently. Someone should do a distribution analysis.

I don't have enough friends within 5 years of my age to have lost any. Ones that I have lost are usually older- like the friend that was murdered last month was 68. My High School class graduated less than 100, we haven't had a reunion since the 20th in 2012. I have maybe a half dozen classmates on facebook, but the only classmate I've seen in 10 years was the one who's car I towed less than a year ago. Reality is, I don't make friends easily nor manage to keep many once the reason we interact (job, common hobbies) are gone.

Family, the only blood relatives I have are my parent's generation or younger. Of my parents and their siblings, there were only 5 to begin with and my Dad is the only one who isn't here any more. I only have 3 1st cousins and I've only seen one of them in the last 20 years (and that was at my last grandmother's funeral over a year ago). I have 3 siblings, none of them I've seen in over 6 months and one I haven't seen since that same funeral (she lives about as geographically distant as possible and still be in the contiguous US)

Yeah, I'm not very social.

I lost several friends around age 30 (suicide, AIDS, 2 overdose), and then was good until just the last two years (I'm now 64), in which I've had several friends from my clubbing days pass from various cancers, the piano player from my comedy lounge act died of a mysterious infection (I'm guessing COVID), and most recently my closest friend from law school -- "the big brother I never had" -- died of bile duct cancer (that one really hit me hardest). I know a fair number of people (including myself) who have had cancer and beaten it (or at least haven't died from it yet). My remaining friends all seem to be in reasonably good shape but we're all in our mid-60s now so I'm hoping for another 15 solid years before the next culling.

My youngest leaves for college in a couple of weeks, so that's all three out of the house, more or less. I hope to live long enough to seem them paired off, maybe have kids, if that's what they want. But I know the days are short. That's okay for me, but I'd like to be able to help them out as much as I can before I kick it.

HIV killed dozens of my friends when we were in our 20s and 30s. Then came effective treatment, and it seemed like a nightmare was over. In the last few years, it seems like every other month or so I hear about someone else who survived the worst years of the plague and who has now died from one thing or another. Although far less frequent, somehow these deaths seem harder to take. And while two cancer scares within two years haven't gotten me obsessing about my own mortality (I survived both, after all), it has made me aware that death could take any one of us, anytime.

Someone I had known for over 30 years died earlier this month. He was someone I respected and admired a lot, who had often given me wise counsel and a kick in the pants when I needed it, and when he died with no warning, I went into a tailspin. It was the last thing I expected and I felt like the ground had been pulled out from under me, probably because I know that I am going to experience that feeling more and more often from now on.

I lost eight people I know in the last 2 years.

You and I are of a same age, BSG, as I roll to 52 this year. Attending my 30th high school reunion a few years ago, I noted the growing number of photos with candles in front of them on the table in the hall. I've been to quite a few funerals of friends and acquaintances from my graduating class as well.

I actually just had the conversation with my childhood best friend, who recently became a grandfather (my Godson had a kid - does that make me GrandGodFather?) and he discussed making out his will and wanted me to be his executor.

Sadly, I've been to more than a few funerals for kids that were friends of my kids, lost through various tragedies (accidents, suicides, cancer, etc.).