Plan B Forum

So I've been a bit quiet of late, stuff has been occurring that up to now I haven't wanted to talk about, and ironically now that I do want to talk I find that the avenues for posting open to me have become few and far between, these days almost all of my regular haunts are known to my family or r/l friends, as are my on screen names, normally this wouldn't be an issue but now it is.

My mum has cancer, Hodgkin's Lymphoma stage 3B(S), confirmed diagnosis was made a few days ago.

She looked frail at Xeno's wedding but as she has been going to the cult of weight watchers and keeping herself a stone UNDERweight "for the wedding" I'd pretty much put it down to her ridiculous dieting however after the wedding she told me she'd been getting breathless, dizzy, had awful night sweats, a lump on her neck and swollen legs so I convinced her to go see her GP. The fact that she went was enough for me to know she really wasn't well (bit of background - mum has had rheumatoid arthritis & Sjogren's syndrome for 26 years so is actually at the Dr's every 4 weeks for her gold injections and blood tests etc. this means she tends to think there's no need to bother him about anything else as he see's her regularly anyway, shes also inclined to blame everything on the arthritis as she has a compromised immune system). Thankfully she saw the new younger Dr who was completely on the ball and sent her for pretty much every test under the sun but without telling her what she was being tested for .... since google is my friend I'd already worked out what it looked like and the tests only confirmed my suspicions which I didn't tell mum.

Anyway fast forward past a whole battery of tests & scans almost all of which came back "inconclusive" until she had 3 nodes removed and biopsied and its confirmed as Hodgkin's which she will have had for "quite some time", without chemo she has only months left, so chemo it will be; unfortunately she will need chemo every other week for 6 - 8 months & this gives her a 50/50 chance, the week she isn't having chemo she will see the haematologist, so it's weekly hospital visits for at least 6 months and probably more like 8 months. She has to have a PET scan Tuesday which will determine the dosage and give an idea how long she has to have it for.

She was also found to be anaemic which they thought might explain the breathlessness and swollen legs so Tuesday she had a transfusion of 2 pints she initially felt a lot better but after 2 days she has reverted to being breathless once again which has upset her. They also found that she had a heart murmur of 3/6 nothing much was said about that at the time but my sister-in-law (senior nursing sister) said that was an "innocent murmur" so nothing to worry about.... then Thursday she got a letter from the hospital telling her she needs to have a CTA scan for her heart urgently.

The lymphoma is undoubtedly linked to her rheumatoid arthritis, and because she has that she is not as able to fight the lymphoma as her immune system is virtually non existent, it also means that with the chemo her immune system such as it is will pretty much be gone altogether and this is a major concern so much so that Brahms & I have both this week had the flu jab on the advice of the consultant. The specialist says that mum is in generally good condition, shes "young" and "fit" and without the rheumatoid arthritis they would have a really good shot of "knocking this on the head" but because of the complications all we really can hope for is to slow it down and hope for a remission.

My main concern is of a practical and selfish nature - Brahms has given notice to the RAF it means he's out in 6 months time, the earliest we will be free and clear to move back to Wales will be 6 months, and in the meantime we need to find him a job and then try and find somewhere to live etc. I was already going to be up to my bloody eyes with stress and stuff to do, supporting Brahms who is finding the thought of transition back to civvy street rather daunting especially with the state of the job market, not forgetting I too have a job, and now there's all this with mum on top. I have absolutely no idea just how much she will need me to be there - a 200 mile round trip each time - so right at the moment I haven't a bloody clue how I am going to juggle it all.

My dad didn't have chemo so I have no real experience of being able to gauge how much help/support mum will need on a daily basis - I've gone through full blown panic mode and currently am practising my Ostrich impression, burying my head in the sand and deciding to cross those bridges when we come to them.

It means that some time when I am online I just sit and zombie out playing bubble popping games or reading threads but not replying as I "can't be arsed" - I am around and I will no doubt click into superwoman mode once the ball starts rolling with the chemo etc. but I will be 100% honest and say that undoubtedly at times I am going to be uber uber selfish and just plain ignore things which merit my attention but which to me at the time won't make the cut for things I need or want to do, or I may choose to play games or post in threads and totally ignore requests for help cos my head won't be where its needed to focus on anything technical and all I will want to do is chill out and try and relax a bit - on the other hand I have also been known to bury myself in tech stuff just so that I don't have to think about anything else, it's all going to depend on timing and what mood I'm in when things happen lol

So I'll be around, I'll still do adminy stuff, I'll still be posting, but it's all going to be a bit airy fairy as to how quick I deal with stuff and how much or little I post.

I'm so sorry to hear that RB. I hope that things go as well as possible for your mum and for you too.
Just remember, don't worry about not posting or taking care of admin stuff... but we are here if you need to vent.

Take care.

I'm very sorry to hear that RB....

I went through cancer with my mother. It's very tough.

You're a dear for being concerned about us! You go take of you and your mum.

...we'll still be here if you need us.

The amount of assistance needed will depend entirely on how fit your mum is to start with.

By the sound of it, she is in pretty good nick, considering. It also sounds like she has people other than you around to help her which you will have to accept will be happening without you.

Of course you are going to have concerns with your own life stressors. You should be able to fit entirely up-heaving your life AND caring for you mum as well, although you won't be there for every step.

You'll need to re-evaluate what a long distance is, otherwise you will find this all a little daunting.

Over here, 200 miles isn't a long drive. It is a distance we have to travel usually between larger cities, if we are lucky.

Be with her in person, be with her on the phone, just make sure she knows she is loved and cared for during the chemo. But never forget to take care of yourself. You will be spreading yourself a bit thin in the future and will need all your reserves of strength to keep going.

Not much I can add to the good advice from all those who have already posted. My thoughts and best wishes are with you, please look after yourself so you can look after others, and drop in when you can to keep us up to speed.