Plan B Forum

I had to say goodbye to my mum yesterday morning, its the hardest thing I have ever ever done and it still doesnt seem real, though the pain I am feeling tells me it is, I cannot stop crying, the ache is so deep so strong so painful, I am utterly heart broken.

We didn't expect this, we weren't ready, she wasn't ready and she most certainly didn't want to go, its not fair it is so not fair, all these months she spent fighting the cancer, suffering through the chemo, all the discomfort, pain and weakness, and she was damned well winning!! On Tuesday she was so happy and so pleased after the consultant told her that there were no longer any visible signs of the cancer, that her latest scan had shown it was all but gone, she had 5 more treatments left and from thinking all we could hope for was a long remission we were suddenly thinking and talking about beating it, a full cure, a future without set limits. The magical date in June when the last of her chemo sessions were over, when she could begin again, the holiday she was planning with my aunt, the mother and daughter days quality time we would have now that Nick was grown and Rob out of the RAF and we were going "home" to be with her, to spend time with her, all our plans, our future revolved around her.

And now thats all gone, she is gone, and I am left here screaming its not fair!!!!! I want my mum back, she didnt deserve this, she was winning for fucksake!!

I lost my dad almost 11 years ago, it was hard because he was so very young, but we'd had years to get used to the idea, years in which to prepare, to talk, to say long goodbyes and make sure nothing was left unsaid, and at the end he was ready to go. Even so the grief hit me hard months after, at the time I had to be the strong one, be there for mum and for my brother who was devastated, I'm the oldest, thats always been the way, I'm the strong one.

What an I supposed to do now? This is my mother!! She cannot be gone, I want her back so badly.

I don't want to be told "she's at peace now" I don't want to hear "she's no longer suffering" that "shes with dad now" I don't want to listen to people telling me they know how I feel or how damned sorry they are - sorry doesnt changed a damned thing, sorry doesnt take the fucking pain away, sorry doesn't give me the memories and time I have been robbed of back, and sorry for damned sure doesn't give me my mum back.

The emails have started arriving, deepest sympathy, thinking of you, stay strong... how? how the fuck do I do that? SHE was my strength, she was ALWAYS there for me, we spoke on the phone every single day sometimes 2 or 3 times a day just because, she was my best friend, and I miss her so much already. I want to ring her and tell her how much this hurts and to hear her telling me it'll be OK.

For 5 months every 10 days I have left work and gone down to Wales to be with her, take care of her, go to clinic, do a bit of shopping , just be there for her, stayed 3 nights and then my aunt or brother took over, 5 months of intense chemo 5 months of watching her struggling and fighting.

They say it was probably a blood clot in her lungs, an infection leading to sepsis, that she was too weak to fight it, that her heart was probably weakened by the 27 years of rheumatoid arthritis, all I know is that on Tuesday she was winning and by Saturday we had lost her.

Less than 2 days was all it took, from me getting the call completely out of the blue, mums bad, ambulance on its way.... the ambulance men say send for her children...the mad dash to Wales... we almost lost her... she's doing better.... she'll be in 5 days you can go home now come back tomorrow for normal visiting... shes had a bad night Dr's are with her now... shes improving back to plan A see you at 3pm .... the text on my way to the hospital, mums very poorly moving to ICU ... call your brother he needs to be here....mum crying doesn't want to die .. shes critical the next 12 hours will be crutial.... pacing the corridor's do we let the grandchildren come? What do we do? Would that upset mum? Dr's say let them come.. Nick & his cousins arrive, more pacing, taking turns to go in and hold mums hand, laying on the floor of ICU waiting, praying in the chapel, more pacing more hand holding... Dr wants to see me and my brother discussions about ventilators, about resuscitation still hope..... more pacing more wating, does she know? morning comes and shes still here, hope rising....Dr wants to see us, organs failing, sepsis, doesnt recommend life support delaying the inevitable... shock, disbelief this isnt happening... chaplains here, omg who sent for her? Praying for mum, am I really talking about having her annointed? this cant be real... Dr's here again, private room .....we're losing her, she's going, time to say goodbye... the anointing, praying over her, her eyes open fixing on mine, a gasp and shes gone.... crashing utter despair, everyone crying, Nick trying to be strong for me, Rob holding me, the formalities...would we agree to donate her corneas for transplant? Unreal... but yes of course... walking out of the hospital, no idea what day it is, making plans to meet my brother at the house next week to start the arrangemnets etc. Home again everything is the same but different.... I am exhausted but I can't rest or sleep and I still cant stop crying.

I love you mum and god I miss you.

*HUG!*

Sorry, I have no words to offer which would make any difference, just platitudes. Hugs from us too.

Oh. My. God.

I'm sitting here at my computer in the middle of the night, drinking a beer, with tears trickling down my cheeks, I want to say something but there's nothing I can possibly say. It's inadequate, and guess maybe I should delete this before I post it, but....

I'm so sorry.

RB no-one can fell your pain; only relate it to what each has experienced. The bitter numbing unreality cannot be happening; cannot have happened.

But if it helps at all, talk about your mum, write here about your mum - all the good things, the funny things, the things you will miss. What I hated was that no-one wanted to talk ABOUT my lost son - almost a non-person as if I was supposed to set him aside as well.

God bless and sorry for having nothing better to say
Meade

You can never be prepared for losing your mother....

There's nothing I can say... I just extend my love and hope to you in this hour of your shock and pain.

MajGenl.Meade wrote:RB no-one can fell your pain; only relate it to what each has experienced. The bitter numbing unreality cannot be happening; cannot have happened.

But if it helps at all, talk about your mum, write here about your mum - all the good things, the funny things, the things you will miss. What I hated was that no-one wanted to talk ABOUT my lost son - almost a non-person as if I was supposed to set him aside as well.

God bless and sorry for having nothing better to say
Meade

I'm so sorry. i'm one of those who wold not 'WANT' to talk about it ... only that I would not wnat to bring it up, because grief is such a horrible and deeply personal experience and people react in so many ways - and I'm woefully awkward talking about it, because words are nothing at a time like this. I empathise so much, but to relay that empathy only sounds like I'm making it about 'me', and I can't know exactly what a person ios going through. I can remember what I may have gone through at a past time of grief, and I can imagine - although I don't want to because it's too awful - what I might go through if I was put in a similar situation, but that's not the same. And some people, in grief, want to talk about it, and others, in grief, don't want to talk about it. I would listen, or do anything at all if I could, but I don't want to do or say the wrong thing, and there is no right thing, and I end up not saying anything, and trying to avoid the topic for fear of causing upset. Which then may come across as uncaring, but is just awkwardly clumsy empathy.


Reality Bytes I'm so sorry. Like Econoline, I was sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks. Like everyone here is saying, I have nothing to say that is really anything at all, just trying to impart whatever crumb of verbal support I can give, and hugs and sorrow for you.

My heart goes out to you. I was just sobbing after reading this (I lost a mentor and old friend last week) and at a loss for words.

Your post is such a lovely tribute to your mum, RB. I envy you having had a mum like that; may the love of that relationship comfort you always.

And of course, there are no words - grief is an endless process, which you've just begun. Share here whenever you need to.

Reality Bytes wrote:SHE was my strength, she was ALWAYS there for me, we spoke on the phone every single day sometimes 2 or 3 times a day just because, she was my best friend, and I miss her so much already. I want to ring her and tell her how much this hurts and to hear her telling me it'll be OK.

On this subject I've learned I never say the right thing. (usually the exact wrong thing)
So I've learned to say nothing.

There I am, bemoaning in another thread about my bloody pets being ill, and here you are dealing with a loss, potentially greater than any I have known.

I wish something I could write would help.

I have no words of comfort RB, I don't think that there are any words that would suffice. Just know that I, like others here, am always available as a sounding board. xx

Sean wrote:I have no words of comfort RB, I don't think that there are any words that would suffice. Just know that I, like others here, am always available as a sounding board. xx

I can't add anything new I'll follow Sean's post...

Thank you everyone, thank you from the bottom of my heart to every single one of you, there never are or will be any right words, I've been in the same place as all of you not knowing what to say or worrying about saying the exact wrong thing so saying nothing, ALL of you have in your own way said the right thing in this thread as ALL of you have made me feel that you care, and that is important and special.

I'm still struggling and know that I will for a good while yet. The shock has started to wear off although it still keeps hitting me when I least expect it, so much disbelief at the moment, it all seems so very unreal. Tomorrow will be hard, my brother and I are meeting up to go through the will and start to make arrangements, we still haven't got mum back yet as we agreed to donate her corneas and have been told that this was successful, which should and no doubt will give me some comfort one day but doesnt yet. There is so much to do and all of it awful hubby is approaching the RAF to tell them whats happened as obviously I am in no fit state to be able to deal with eviction notices etc. as theres now no way we'll be ready and willing to move out of this house before he reaches the end of his service.

I'm no longer crying non stop - and I finally managed to get some sleep after 4 days of next to none, I didn't think I would but there obviously just comes a point when your mind and body say thats it close down and recharge.

I feel adrift, everything has changed, the past 18 months we have been planning and talking non stop about our future after hubby leaves the service, in fact thinking about it, for many years now we've been making those "after he gets out" plans and all of them, every single one of them have involved my mother. And now they don't in quite the same way.

Its really hard.

You are right that my condolences will not bring your mum back, nor give you the time with her of which you have been cheated. Nevertheless, I offer you these poor words of sympathy. Please remember to take care of yourself.

Losing a close parent is the second worst death that one can experience - losing a child is worst.

If you can (maybe not just yet), be thankful that you had a mother who was willing and able to relate to you as an adult; many never come to that point and it's a pity.

Leaves a hole in your life that will never be completely filled. I have nothing to say, really.

Take care. Enjoy the people who are still around you.

Another big hug for you...

And another.