Request for advice / clarifying thoughts

[MajGenl.Meade]

This is a personal issue and I would appreciate input.

We've just learned that our 40 year old daughter has walked out on her husband. He told us of the fact but said we should speak to her to find out why. Phone calls and emails were not answered. Our granddaughter (19) told us that mum had a fling with a younger work colleague. OK - daugher emails us to say that she will tell us what happened when we get to USA at end June - she doesn't want to go into it. There's no abuse - problem rather is an indifferent kind of negligence on both sides (our observation) plus our girl is a bit OCD and co-dependent. (I believe her own daughter leaving home for college has a lot to do with it). But it's complicated.

She wants to try and get back together with her husband and he agreed they should make the effort as long as she would renounce this other guy. She refused. He said "don't come home if that's your choice". She's dossing down at girl-friend's house. She has a part-time job that may become full time next month - she has no money. We have corresponded by email with our son-in-law mostly (he actually responds at length) still without complaining about our daughter.

Now we get an email from her. She has no food, no money and her car is beginning to falter; couldn't we float her a loan? (Note she also has access to 2 bank accounts we have over there - both with about $1000 in but those are used to pay the bills on our unsold former office).

What do we do? Our feeling is that she has made her choice. And it is not our job to fund her walking out of her commitments (all the burden of kids and home and bills falls on Mr now). She doesn't correspond with us in any honesty (we think) other than this request. She may be detached from reality. Wife initially thought she should fly back to USA immediately but now doubts if that's the right thing to do. This is a grown woman and man thing - shouldn't we leave them to sort out the bodies?

OK that's it.
Meade

[Big RR]

Since your asking for advice, I'll give it. Presumably you don't know the entire story (or at least her side of it) and won't until the end of June. She is in some (hopefully) temporary need and is still your daughter. My advice is to give her the loan if you can; I would if it was my daughter. Yes, you don't have to fund her "walking out commitments", but this is a loan to, presumably, cover some emergency living expenses for a short amount of time, not a promise to pay those expenses forever. It's not the time to take sides, especially because you don't know her's (and there are always two sides to every story), and it's never a good time to get in the middle of a dispute between a wife and her husband (that never works out well, regardless of what happens).

A few other pieces of advice; first, since she is a family member, treat the loan as something which will/may not ever be paid back. I always treat loans to family and friends this way--if you cannot afford to lose the money, don't "lend" it to her. Second, you know your daughter better than any of us do; if she has pulled this sort of thing before (not necessarily walking out, just attempts to manipulate you), trust your instincts (you know, fool me twice...). Finally, your mention of her access to your stateside accounts makes me think you fear she might take the money if you don't lend it to her; if you don't make the loan, I recommend you rescind her power of the accounts.

It's a tough decision, and a tough time. i wish you all the best.

[Crackpot]

Where does her paycheck go?

[Sue U]

What BigRR said.

[Lord Jim]

Your daughter wants to keep her marriage and keep her younger lover? Who does she think she is, Newt Gingrich?

But seriously...

From what you've said General, it certainly looks like your son-in-law is the responsible one in this piece, (when you say "kids" I assume that means there are some minor children involved in addition to your 19 grand daughter) and that your daughter is going through a major league mid-life crisis, which involves wanting to act like a 17 year old runaway infatuated with a guy....

It seems to me that "tough love" would be the way to go....

If she's got financial problems, shouldn't loverboy be helping her out?

It also sounds (duh) like she's got some serious psychological problems...

If she's also broke, you might suggest that she go into some sort of residential therapeutical environment. (perhaps you could offer to help her financially with that.)

Of course for that to happen, she has to realize she's got a problem, and she may not be at that point yet...

It's not easy any way you cut it. Good luck. You'll be in my prayers.

[dgs49]

If you can do it, I think you must send her some money to tide her over until you can see her FTF. This is probably not the time to admonish her - don't want her to cut herself off from you.

Hopefully, you will have a chance to get the straight story when you see her, and give her the benefit of your wisdom and counsel.

[kristina]

BigRR said pretty much what I would have.

[Rick]

Sorry Meade hope it works out for the best...

[Guinevere]

Life is too short, and family is what really matters. Do what you can to help her.

[Gob]

Some sage advice here, I will not add any more except to say, best of luck to you and your wife. Prioritise your own emotional welbeing before becoming embroiled in others affairs [scuse].

[rubato]

I would have one of you go and see her in person.

Whatever else is going on she needs good counsel from someone who cares about her and has some depth of understanding of her as a person. There is no substitute for in-person engagement.

I would give what financial support you think is reasonably necessary for her existence but not more than that. If there is pain involved in her change of status then she willed it and can accept it. Or should accept it. And must accept it.



yrs,
rubato

[Joe Guy]

She is your daughter & deserves your support whether she is right or wrong.

Just be honest with her.

Of course I seriously doubt you could be anything other than that.

[loCAtek]

End of June isn't that far off, so you'd be helping her out for only a month, that isn't long. My two cents: such as they are, and you can do with them what you like... Sounds like she married young, and perhaps tried to 'make it work' for the kids. Now, that the kids are leaving; what's to work out?
If she's getting less co-dependant, I think that's a good thing.

[MajGenl.Meade]

Thank you each. rubato, I am working on getting Lynn on a plane by next Wednesday. We can't afford to change both our tickets for end June so i will stay back and clean up financial responsibilities at the Centre and at St John's. We are, sorry to say, only too familiar with requested loans that do not get paid back.

Yes our grandson is 15 - so neither one is a weeny but even so, we know also what effect divorce has,,,,,, and perhaps still is having

If we were in the USA I think our reaction would have been to say "come to our house - live there until you can stand on your own feet'. There we could have advised, shut up, whatever so much more effectively than from here in ignorance. Mind you, you all know that never stopped me before....

I will update y'all as things progress

Thanks again
Meade

[Sue U]

Good luck, Meade, you will be in my thoughts. If I prayed, my prayers would be for you and your family in this difficult time.

[Crackpot]

Divorce isn't always a bad thing My paents tried to stick it out "for the good of the children" and it only made things worse. (in my eyes anyway and I was the one they were staying together for) Conversely now that they're divorced they get along great we celebrate holidays together and have even gone on trips togther.

Though in Peru (during which they roomed together) when it came to light at dinner that they were divorced yet got along so well (and my mom was back at the hotel sick) My dad replied "After spending this much time together I'm beginning to remember why we got divorced"

[Lord Jim]

"After spending this much time together I'm beginning to remember why we got divorced"

I think I'd like you're Dad, CP...

I like that kind of sense of humor...

[Guinevere]

I agree that divorce isn't always a bad thing. No one should fool themselves that is it easy, and they should understand that it can have significant lasting impacts perhaps beyond those anticipated. But sometimes it really is the right thing to do.

[Gob]

I have to agree with the sentiments above.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Sorry I'm late to this but a few thoughts. BigRR said it well. The only thing I would add is that if at all possible, rather than just "give/loan" hte money to her, pay the bills directly. Being a lieing, cheating (not sexually) alcholic bastard, I know how people manipulate others. I am a master. My wife still does not give me access to cash or credit cards as I might (although not lately) use them for booze. You daughter may use the money to continue her destructive lifestyle. Thus, if the car needs fixing, insist on paying the bill directly, etc.

I realize your daughter may not be addicted, but OCD is a mental disorder and those afflicted are not thinking straight.

Good luck and my hopes are with you.