He blitzed it!

[The Hen]

Gob went for his Australian Citizenship Test today.

He scored ....








100%

Well done that knowledgable man. Next job, PM?

[Crackpot]

they check him for crib notes?

[The Hen]

We are a land of criminals, so of course we did!

When they found he wasn't carrying any, they gave him a book with the answers in it.

(jk)

[Sean]

Well done mate!

I should be taking mine some time this year.

[Gob]

Strewth mates, and fair dinkum to me Sheila, you can whip me with a wombat and call me Bruce. Stubbies all round is the order of the day.




You'll piss it Sean, it's not that hard

Interestingly, I've been using the online practice tests to gen up. The official ones are easy, the ones trying to sell you study materials are really hard. Why would that be?


Have you got what it takes?

[Gob]

Study aid for Sean;

Just The Facts

Australia is the largest island nation in the world, straddling the border of the Pacific and Indian Ocean.
It has a rich and exotic ecosystem supporting fantastic flora and fauna...all of which were unfortunately eaten by the monsters that live there.
Its primary spoken language is screaming.

From the Abyss It Is Birthed
Back in the 1770s the British Empire discovered Australia and, after finding it generally unfit for human habitation, proceeded to send all of their criminals and generally unwanted peasants there...because basic human empathy was not to be invented until the year 1821.


After somehow managing to survive on Monster Island for over a century, it was considered only fair to grant the Australian citizens their freedom and on January 1st, 1901, Australia gained federation of its colonies, and The Commonwealth of Australia was born.


Things in Australia that Will Kill You
Everything. No, seriously: Everything.


First there's the wildlife: If something appears to be cute and harmless in Australia, then we promise you - it has only evolved that way to lure you close enough for the thousands of ravenous, prehensile blade-tongues to descended upon you.


Then there's the Geography: Consisting mostly of arid, dry desert, (populated by over 100 venomous species of snake,) the harsh local climate is peppered with small, livable areas presumably just to lull human beings into a false sense of security.


Ah, but the tropical beaches, you say! Surely the paradise on Earth that is the Australian beach makes up for an entire continent of biological weapons. And it's true: Australia is known for having some of the best beaches in the world...all you have to worry about are the Saltwater Crocs, Great White Sharks, poisonous Stonefish, or being stung by the Box Jellyfish: The deadliest and most painful sting of any Jellyfish species in the world.


Your best bet is just to stay in the city then, right? Enjoy the local culture; go visit the capital of Canberra, or visit beautiful Sydney and see the wonder of the Opera house. And that's totally safe: Just remember to wear protective clothing, stay in well travelled areas, always know the nearest path to a hospital, and just generally try not to exist - because Australia is also home to over 280 species of poisonous spider, including that aforementioned Sydney Funnel Web Spider. What, did you think it was just a name? No, it lives in cities, in garages, in tool sheds and houses - it even swims. IT FUCKING SWIMS.


Seriously: Everything in Australia evolved solely to kill everything else in Australia - and you show up with your soft, unarmored skin, tiny, rounded teeth, and ridiculously non-poisonous spit and expect a vacation?


You just walked into Mother Nature's Thunderdome, friend. And in this analogy, you're not Max; you're the dead retard.

Things in Australia that Will Not Kill You
....


Hugh Jackman seems nice.


http://www.cracked.com/funny-163-australia/

[Crackpot]

THe author of this article obviously never came into contact with an opossum.

[Miles]

THe author of this article obviously never came into contact with an opossum.

Unless he was from Pennsylvania and tried to revive it with cpr including mouth to mouth.

Congrats on your test Strop.

[Gob]

Thanks Miles Mate, Hen will find it harder to get rid of me now.

[Sean]

From http://www.cracked.com/article_16868_6- ... -shoe.html

Geographic Cone Snail

What the Fuck is That?

So you're on vacation in Australia, drinking a Fosters, chasing dingos away from your babies and arguing about what things are and are not knives. You sign up to go on a scuba tour of the Great Barrier Reef. After a quick tutorial on what you can and cannot touch that you didn't even understand (they are speaking Australian after all), you're down in the ocean exploring the reef. One small and particularly beautiful shell grabs your attention and you pick it up out of curiosity. That's when you feel a pinch on your palm.

Congratulations, you've just been stung by one of Australia's deathly toxic residents.

What's this Funny Feeling?

That funny feeling is cocktail of toxins that were just lanced into your hand by a harpoon. Cone snails can fire off those harpoons in any direction and they use them to paralyze fish (at which point they then eat them--alive). Fortunately, you're too big for the cone snail to eat. Unfortunately, the toxins still affect you in a terrible way. Depending on which species of cone snail you picked up, you're either feeling the effects of your nervous system being fucked to hell or you're suffering this delightful symphony of shit, per Wikipedia:

"Paresthesias of the lips and tongue are followed by sialorrhea, sweating, headache, weakness, lethargy, ataxia, incoordination, tremor, paralysis, cyanosis, aphonia, dysphagia, seizures, dyspnea, bronchorrhea, bronchospasm, respiratory failure, coma, and hypotension. Gastroenteric symptoms are often severe and include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. Cardiac arrhythmias may precede complete respiratory failure and cardiovascular collapse."

And you probably haven't even made it to dry land yet.

Will I Be Alright?

That depends on how competent the people around you are. There is no cure for the cone snail's venom, and treatment is simply based on how long your rescuers can keep you alive while your body pisses, shits and vomits the toxins out. If the people saving you haven't already fled the scene of your body exploding from every orifice, their CPR is simply meant to keep you breathing until you've shat the last little bit of venom out.



Blue-Ringed Octopus

What the Fuck is That?

After that pants-shitting near-death experience with the cone snail, you opt to explore the shallow tidal pools on shore. After scavenging through all the dully colored shells, you come upon a tiny octopus. As you approach, bright blue rings appear on the its skin. Curious, you pick the magical creature up.

Luck is not on your side today. The appearance of those bright rings is the warning sign of the blue-ringed octopus.

What's this Funny Feeling?

Or no feeling, as it turns out. The beak of the golf ball-sized bottom feeder is strong enough to pierce through wetsuit gloves and give the handler a fatal dose of venom. You probably won't feel the toxins, at first. That's only because you'll be completely paralyzed. But believe us when we tell you that you'll begin to feel pain when you realize you can't breathe.

The venom from these tiny sea creatures is created by the bacteria that live in their air sacs. The deadly cocktail contains ten toxins in all, designed to leave you paralyzed and yet completely aware of your surroundings.

Will I Be Alright?

Like the cone snail attack, it all depends on how much the people around you know about what's happened. If they realize that you've been bitten by a blue-ringed octopus (whose venom is powerful enough to kill 26 human beings within a couple of minutes), rescue breathing may keep you alive.

But if no one is aware of what happened, you'll probably just appear dead to the world. Nobody will know that you're paralyzed and can't breathe. As they pack you into a body bag, your body reflexively shitting itself, your one final thought will be: "Man, fuck Australia."

Box Jellyfish

What the Fuck is That?

Imagine that the stresses of life finally get to you and, after months of depression you snap. You make that final decision: You're going back to Australia again.

Having left a note behind for your loved ones and doling out your worldly possessions to your heirs, you go swimming in the oceans around northern Australia. You catch glimpse of something glimmering in the water. It's moving.

It's chironex fleckeri, an extremely venomous species of box jellyfish. You are about to get what you came for.

What's this Funny Feeling?

The chironex's venom is fast-acting and multi-purposed. It goes after the nervous system, heart and skin at the same time, in a multi-pronged attack of horror.

Will I Be Alright?

There is an antidote to the chironex venom. Do you happen to have it in your hand, there in the middle of the ocean? No? That's too bad, because a person can be killed within four minutes of the sting.

Congratulations, you can await the sweet, sweet embrace of death.