Something wot I wrote a while back,thought I'd share.
**A phone rings**
MC: “ Hello, am I speaking to Jane Austen? Yes? Michael Clarke here from BBC productions. Is it OK to call you Jane?”
JA: “Of course.”
MC: “Thank you, you cannot be too careful today, I wouldn’t want to cross any sexism boundaries etc..”
JA: “Not a problem.“
MC: “ Well Jane, it’s good news, BBC productions have decided to take up your novel “Pride and Prejudice” for a mini-series!’
JA: “That’s wonderful!“
MC: “Oh, the news gets even better, the team informs me that they have contracted the perfect person for your “Mr Darcy”.
JA: (Delighted) “Oh, already, that’s great, who?“
MC: “Idris Elba!!“
JA: “Oh. Um...Not exactly who I had pictured as Mr Darcy. Idris, isn’t he, you know, rather black?’
MC: “Yes, of course, we’ve been in consultation, and we’ve decided he will be the descendant of an emancipated slave, who has made his way to the top of the import / export trade, and bought a manor.”
JA: “Ok, that’s...different... I think I can rewrite that bit. Idris is rather dishy isn’t he?”
MC: “Exactly. Now, about the lesbians.”
JA: “Lesbians? There aren’t any lesbians!!”
MC: “And that’s the problem.”
JA: “What?“
MC: “Compliance Jane darling! The compliance and diversity department are rather hot on having at least one or more lesbians as good characters. We thought Kitty Bennet could be a lesbian, one who comes out due to the love and care of her sister Lizzaneer.”
JA: “Lizzaneer?”
MC: “Well you called her Elizabeth, but for what we have envisioned, Lizaneer is far more appropriate for a Cuban/British person”
JA: (getting angry) “Keep going”
MC: “ Ok, now for your disabled person, we thought we’d change the character Mrs Bennet from a hypochondriac, into a strong willed quadriplegic, who shows how "disability is no disability!” Neat eh?”
JA: “Disabled person?”
MC: “Compliance darling, compliance. We did think of making her a trans-woman. But that would be a step too far.”
JA: “Thank god for that!”
MC: “So we've made Caroline Bingley a trans-woman. Still has her eye on Darcy you’ll be pleased to know.”
JA: “ A trans-woman?!?!?!”
MC: “ “George Wickham, well we’ve combined his role with that of William Collins as a cad, and white, so little change there, apart from making them a Tory MP rather than a clergyman. Mind you, a Tory MP AND clergyman would tick two boxes. Worth thinking about that.”
JA: “I’m speechless.“ (Sound of head being banged against a wall)
MC: “I knew you would be, now just let me run through a few more things, so we can wrap this up.”
JA: (barely contained anger) “I’m all ears“
MC: “Of course it’s a bit all dated, so we’ve moved the setting to modern day east London, that will save a mint on location shots, and who lives outside of the M25 these days? We’ve set it on the Pemberley council estate, and Lizzaneer, Leata-blac, and Betty La-Scala, the mixed race main roles will all be “sisters from different misters”. We’ll keep the basic plot, “good looking black guy gets hot looking girl, while white bloke gets his comeuppance’ etc, and we’ve shortened it to two thirty-minute episodes. It will all be done ghetto, with some English subtitles.I hope this is all ok? One last thing, that opening line? "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." Rather awkward for the American market to understand that is, so we've changed it to "Bro with loot needs bitch!" Rather sweet translation that I though."
JA: “....“
MC: “One last thing, we’ve updated the title, you’ll love this, it’s so contemp, so modern, so of the zeitgeist!! We’re calling it “Black Pride and White Prejudice!!”
JA: ****sounds of screams running off to the distance****
Review in all papers:
“Black Pride and White Prejudice!!”
One star
“The BBC trots out yet another formulaic exercise in box ticking. No originality no innovation, no style, , nothing to differentiate it from all their other so called “Dramas”
Pride and Prejudice 2020
Pride and Prejudice 2020
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
Re: Pride and Prejudice 2020
I'd call that strong sarcasm but it being more than a minute old, the art has become reality. Plus, now we know Idris Elba is not authentic enough to tick that box.