'Twas the night before Christmas
At Nakatomi Tower
When our story of homecoming
Begins with brute power.
At Los Angeles airport, meet our savior, McClaine;
With toys for his kids, he disembarks from his plane.
To not see that this tale's about Christmas is folly;
Did I mention that Mrs. McClane's name is Holly?
"How 'bout some Christmas music?" McClane asks of Argyle.
"That *is* Christmas music," the driver says with a smile.
To reunite with Holly, his aim is shared with shy laughter;
T'would be a holiday miracle to last ever after.
"You throw quite party," says John to Tagaki-San.
"I didn't know they Christmas in Japan."
John is weary from travel; Holly offers a bed.
While down in the lobby, the guard's shot in the head.
In Theo! In Kyle! In Tony, Ed, Fritz!
Into the party the armed thugs run a blitz.
(Argyle still waits; this is long before Uber.)
While havoc is wreaked by the evil Hans Gruber.
John McClane, he escapes. Saves the day - he's just gotta;
Without shoes he tracks blood as if bearing wounds of stigmata;
One thug tries to kill him but that German's too slow;
Now John McClane has a machine gun. HO-HO-HO.
Sgt. Al Powell is told of disturbance;
In response the fake guard feigns a bit of perturbance.
Does he hear anything? The answer is no.
Except for the song, "LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW."
"Merry Christmas," says Powell, not realizing the peril;
Driving off while he sings a beloved Christmas carol.
A corpse falls from above with a clear rationale;
McClane says to the cop, "Welcome to the party, pal."
Gruber talks to McClane, or rather he sneers,
Survival would be a miracle, he plays on his fears.
The policeman is bloodied and in dire need of succor.
"Yipee-ki-yea," McClane says, "mother-f--cker."
A woman hostage with child in of its glory
Is also a part of our Christmas Eve story
With Johnny McC traveling great distance
With hope and with love of fighting evil resistance.
Theo, a wise man, who's also quite naughty
Is stealing the money in spirit quite haughty
Ellis, the Judas, attempts an amenity
By disclosing the cowboy's secret identity.
McClane gets a bad feeling and asks Sgt. Powell
To relay to his wife a redemptive avowal.
"When things panned out for her, I should've been behind her all the way,"
He says this thinking he'll never see the light of day.
"I got it," says the sergeant," but you can tell her yourself."
In a scene that's as seasonal as a reindeer or elf.
"I hope so, but that's up to the guy upstairs," says McClane
Who's traveled far for peace but encountered only pain.
If Christmas is love, rebirth, and a savior
McClane was all of the above in his 'Die Hard' behavior.
God was truly with him, the success was empirical
At Nakatomi they experienced a miracle.
That Die Hard is a Christmas film seems to me just a fact
I declare this without any tact
But whether you agree or your disapproval won't cease
I wish you a season of love and of peace.
Die Hard belongs
Die Hard belongs
Jake Tapper settles the main question facing humanity for the last 30 years.