No Laughing McMatter

[MajGenl.Meade]

Fringe jokes to make you cringe
THE funniest Joke of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe award has been announced by British TV channel Dave. Tim Vine took the prize for the second time.

Judges posted a shortlist of their favourites online, without attribution, and the public voted for the top 10.

1. “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover — well, it was just collecting dust.” — Tim Vine
2. “I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set.” — Masai Graham
3. “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.” — Mark Watson 4. “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.” — Bec Hill
5. “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” — Ria Lina
6) “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” — Paul F Taylor
7. “Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying.” — Scott Capurro
8. “I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame because halfway through he disappears up his own arsehole.” — Kevin Day 9. “I’ve been married for 10 years; I haven’t made a decision for seven.” — Jason Cook
10. “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends on how you look at it.” — Felicity Ward

The three “worst jokes”:
1. “My mate sat on my pumpkin. He butternut squash it.” — Leo Kearse
2.“I’m lazy. My childhood ambition was to be an injured footballer.” — Mike Shephard
3. “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes — I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” — Tim Vine

— © The Daily Telegraph

[Lord Jim]

Wow, if that's what they think is funny, I think I'll skip buying tickets for The Edinburgh Punchline...

I've got a much better joke for them....

"Scottish independence"....

[Gob]

Edinburgh Festival Fringe has always been a bit too "right on" or "pc" to be truly funny. Though I suppose the delivery would count for something.

(Not forgetting those are the best "one liner" jokes, not the best humour.)

[Lord Jim]

I suppose the delivery would count for something.

I'm having a difficult time imaging how Jack Benny or Grouch Marx could have delivered this line and made it sound funny:

1. “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover — well, it was just collecting dust.”

(Well, maybe if they delivered it back when they were working in Vaudeville...I think it's that joke that's been collecting dust... )

Not forgetting those are the best "one liner" jokes

Well in that case, I'm sorry that I didn't know about this earlier, because judging by the quality of the competition, I've got one that would have easily taken First Place:

"Hello folks, I just flew in from Glasgow...and boy are my arms tired"....

[Joe Guy]

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you're ugly too."

-Rodney Dangerfield

[Lord Jim]

Here are some more can't miss one line zingers (adapted for a Scottish audience)

"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my màthair"...

" A sgimilear came up to me and said he hadn't had a bite all day...so I bit him"...

"Take my ban-chéile...please"...

[wesw]

heard the one about loch ness? its over your head...

the one about the north sea is a bit too deep....

the one about the biscuit is crumby...

the one about the gun will kill you...

I was gonna tell the one about the jump rope, but its too long so I ll just skip it...