What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 8:16 am
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What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
http://www.theplanbforum.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=12529
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Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 11:50 am
this duck walked in a bar and asked, "got any quackers?" barkeep says no, duck leaves...
next day, same thing...
third day barkeep says "if you ask me for "quackers again I ll staple your bill shut", duck leaves....
next day duck walks in and asks, "got any staples"? , barkeep says no...
duck says, "then, do have any quackers"?
next day, same thing...
third day barkeep says "if you ask me for "quackers again I ll staple your bill shut", duck leaves....
next day duck walks in and asks, "got any staples"? , barkeep says no...
duck says, "then, do have any quackers"?
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 11:51 am
guy walked into a bar....
....got seven stitches
....got seven stitches
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 1:29 pm
2 blondes walked into a bar. The brunette ducked.
(there, that has elements of all of the preceding jokes!)
(there, that has elements of all of the preceding jokes!)
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 1:55 pm
lol
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 2:06 pm
A 3-legged dog walked into a bar and said "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 4:38 pm
A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says is this some sort of joke?
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 5:01 pm
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "why the long face?"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
Next
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
Next
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 5:13 pm
A rope walks into a bar and orders and drink. The bartender says," We don't serve ropes here." So the rope goes outside, frays his ends, and ties himself into a knot. He comes back in and once again orders a drink. The bartender says,"Aren't you that rope I just turned down?" To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.
The panda bear asks, “What do you want?”
The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.”
The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!”
The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read:
“Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.
The panda bear asks, “What do you want?”
The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.”
The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!”
The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read:
“Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 5:55 pm
A giraffe walked into a bar and said..."______________________"
(DIY Joke)
Nobody should read the following joke. It is reprehensible and evil and very unfunny.
@W I mean you especially please do not read it and I'm not kidding.
A man walks into a bar with his dog and after a couple of beers starts to boast about a new theory he has about dogs that will revolutionize animal medicine. He's challenged to prove it. So he tells the dog to sit; it sits. He moves away and says "Come" and the dog walks over to him. Then he seizes a knife and cuts all four of the dog's legs off. "Sit!" Nothing. "Come!" Nothing. People are disgusted and booing but one man says "What's that supposed to prove?"
"Well" says the dog owner, "When you cut a dog's legs off, it goes deaf."
(DIY Joke)
Nobody should read the following joke. It is reprehensible and evil and very unfunny.
@W I mean you especially please do not read it and I'm not kidding.
A man walks into a bar with his dog and after a couple of beers starts to boast about a new theory he has about dogs that will revolutionize animal medicine. He's challenged to prove it. So he tells the dog to sit; it sits. He moves away and says "Come" and the dog walks over to him. Then he seizes a knife and cuts all four of the dog's legs off. "Sit!" Nothing. "Come!" Nothing. People are disgusted and booing but one man says "What's that supposed to prove?"
"Well" says the dog owner, "When you cut a dog's legs off, it goes deaf."
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 10:57 pm
That is quite possibly the second most tasteless and unfunny joke in the history of jokes...
No, I'm not going to post the most tasteless and unfunny joke in the history of jokes...
(If anyone's curious, I'll PM it to them)
No, I'm not going to post the most tasteless and unfunny joke in the history of jokes...
(If anyone's curious, I'll PM it to them)
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2014 11:48 pm
My all time favorite joke:
This guy goes to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York City. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.,,
“This is a nice place. I’ve never been here.” The first guy says...
“Oh, really?” The other replies, “It’s also a very special bar.”
“Why is that?” the first guy asks.
“Well you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”
“Gee, that’s amazing!” the first guy says.
“Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.”
“No way. that’s impossible.” the first guy replies.
“Not at all, take a look,” the other man replies and walks over to the window followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
“See, it’s fun. You should try it,” he says.
“Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts.
“It’s easy. Watch. I’ll do it again.” And with that, he jumps out of the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
“Go ahead, give it a try, its a blast,” he says.
“Well what the hell. OK, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says and proceeds to jump out of the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50... 100... 200... 300... 400... 500... 1000 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.
After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink...
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2014 12:19 am
Out of the bar then...
The vicar visited a new family in the parish and after some conversation found himself sitting temporarily alone in the living room with the couple's 7 year old daughter, a very pretty blond child with rosey red cheeks.
"Ah," said the vicar. "What's your name little girl?"
"I am Petalth," she lisped
"Petals?" said the good Father. "What a lovely name. My name is Father Andrew.
"
"Pleathed to meet you, thir," said Petals and she smiled angelically.
"An unusual name - Petals," the padre ruminated.
"There'th a thtory,", said Petals.
"Well, please do tell me," said Father Andrew
"When before I wath borned," said Petals, "I was in mom's tummy and she wath near a window and the wind blew and there wath a rothe bush and thome Petalth came in and fell on her tummy and dad thed 'If the baby ith a girl, we shall call her Petalth'."
"How sweet," said Father Andrew, running out of things to say and gazing round the room. His eye fell upon a small Pekinese dog asleep on rug.
"I say!" he smiled, "Is that your little dog?"
"Yeth, he ith my dog," said Petals.
"And what's his name?" asked Father Andrew.
"He ith called 'Porky'," said Petals.
"Another unusual name," said Father Andrew. "And why is he called Porky?"
"Becauth he fukth pigth"
The vicar visited a new family in the parish and after some conversation found himself sitting temporarily alone in the living room with the couple's 7 year old daughter, a very pretty blond child with rosey red cheeks.
"Ah," said the vicar. "What's your name little girl?"
"I am Petalth," she lisped
"Petals?" said the good Father. "What a lovely name. My name is Father Andrew.
"
"Pleathed to meet you, thir," said Petals and she smiled angelically.
"An unusual name - Petals," the padre ruminated.
"There'th a thtory,", said Petals.
"Well, please do tell me," said Father Andrew
"When before I wath borned," said Petals, "I was in mom's tummy and she wath near a window and the wind blew and there wath a rothe bush and thome Petalth came in and fell on her tummy and dad thed 'If the baby ith a girl, we shall call her Petalth'."
"How sweet," said Father Andrew, running out of things to say and gazing round the room. His eye fell upon a small Pekinese dog asleep on rug.
"I say!" he smiled, "Is that your little dog?"
"Yeth, he ith my dog," said Petals.
"And what's his name?" asked Father Andrew.
"He ith called 'Porky'," said Petals.
"Another unusual name," said Father Andrew. "And why is he called Porky?"
"Becauth he fukth pigth"
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2014 1:14 am
A giraffe walked into a bar and said..."Why does everybody call me 'Will Smith'? "
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2014 1:17 am
....give me a long neck, bud, said the giraffe
...coals to Newcastle isn t it, replied the barkeep
...coals to Newcastle isn t it, replied the barkeep
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2014 1:27 am
PM it to me and I'll post itLord Jim wrote:That is quite possibly the second most tasteless and unfunny joke in the history of jokes...
No, I'm not going to post the most tasteless and unfunny joke in the history of jokes...
(If anyone's curious, I'll PM it to them)
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2014 2:25 am
A lawyer walks into a bar, gets sloppy drunk, and proceeds to make insulting comments to a woman sitting next to him.
The bartender throws him out, saying, "I never want to see you here again!"
The lawyer sits down on the curb and cries. A friend of his passing by sees him and asks him, "What's wrong?"
He replies, "I got disbarred."
The bartender throws him out, saying, "I never want to see you here again!"
The lawyer sits down on the curb and cries. A friend of his passing by sees him and asks him, "What's wrong?"
He replies, "I got disbarred."
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2014 2:35 am
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Redskins game and you'll see. Whenever the Redskins get a field goal, my dog does flips."
The Skins keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! What happens when the Skins score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2014 2:41 am
Wow, anti-torture, insults to Ronnie, and now slamming the skins. Have you and LJ broken up?
Re: What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?
Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2014 3:16 am
A guy walked into a bar...he had a Peacemaker on his hip, and was leading a male buffalo. He ordered coffee, drank it...then drew the Peacemaker, shot the buffalo in the head, and walked out. Two days later, he comes back, with the Peacemaker and another buffalo. The barkeep says, "Whoa, whoa...you can't come back here! What the hell did you do that for last time?" The guy seems a little confused. he says, "I'm just training for management! I go in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, and leave the mess for someone else to clean up!"
