Plan B Forum

This week, I decided to try to teach my dog to play the trumpet while travelling on the London Underground.
It went surprisingly well, and we managed to get from Barking to Tooting in little over an hour.

I got chatting to this attractive French girl the other day.
“What do you do for a living?” I asked.
She replied, “I am, how you say, a specialist in etiquette.”
Turned out she was a travel agent.

A mate of mine is a landscape gardener and he's having a terrible time lately.
Last month, he had an accident with a chainsaw and chopped off the ends of both his feet.
Then last week, his wife decided she had to leave him.
Turned out she was lactose-intolerant.

Was sitting in the shade on a hot day, sipping a cool drink while watching my girlfriend mow the lawn when the lady next door peered over the fence and yelled "You ought to be hung!"
So I yelled back, "I am, that's why she does the mowing!"


Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really messed up now.

American TV companies did a survey in the Middle East. They discovered the people in Iran and Iraq don't like The Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi do.




A Geordie guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Geordie barmaid. As she takes his order of a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place and, although she is attracted to him, she says no.
He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders 'Broon' and, after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200. She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders 'Broon' but goes and sits in the corner.
The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe, she can shake some more cash out of him.
So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Newcastle. ‘Byker’ he tells her ‘So am I, whereabouts?’ she enquires. ‘The Wall’ he replies.
‘That's amazing’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I - what part?’ ‘Tyne View' he replies.
‘That is unbelievable....’ She says, her voice quivering. ‘What number?’ ‘Number 20’ he replies.
She is totally astonished. ‘You are not going to believe this’ she screams, ‘but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there’.
‘I know’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you’.


If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.


When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him very frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him....(are you ready?).... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

etiquette?

I prefer to get the most out of my jokes, so I laugh when I hear them, I laugh when you ex plain them, then again on the way home when I finally get it...

anyway, I wasn t going to tell this one, but since gob went all Gandhi on us....

what do you call a native American prostitute who sings hip-hop?

an Arapahoe

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”

The beggar with the Star of David listens to the Pope, smiles, and turns to the beggar with the Cross and says, “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

Is that supposed to be e-Ticket? Lord, that's low!