Online Articles

[Long Run]

A Typical Reading of a Well-Meaning Person’s Thoughtful Article on the Internet.
BY NICK RIGGLE
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A sober introduction of a current event, followed by a sane point about its troubling complexities. A few sentences about absurdly powerful people who fail to acknowledge the author’s sane point. Some labored descriptions of the disastrous consequences of failing to acknowledge the author’s sane point.

A surprising explanation of why people fail to acknowledge author’s sane point. Some links to stuff. A litany of relevant empirical data that seems accurate, but is probably just some shit the author looked up on Wikipedia.

[AD OF COOL THING YOU SEARCHED FOR ON AMAZON TEN MINUTES AGO THAT YOU FIGHT THE URGE TO CLICK ON AND CHECK OUT AGAIN.]

Two or three lines about the importance of learning from the past. A vaguely relevant history lesson that includes forgettable dates, foreign-sounding names, and places. Expression of genuine concern that nothing will happen and innocent people will be harmed—perhaps even all of humanity.

An inspiring conclusion urging readers to take action.
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READER COMMENTS

Outrageously mean statement offensive to well-meaning person.
— A fifteen-year-old

Even more outrageously mean and offensive response.
— A bonafide adult

Surprisingly witty response from a fifteen-year-old that probably made you laugh even though you shouldn’t.
— A fifteen-year-old


Sanctimonious comment about how the Internet is full of terrible comments by apparently depraved, superficial, narcissistic individuals.
— A thirteen-year-old

Enthusiastic agreement of a grown-ass person who has calmed down a little.
— The same bonafide adult

Inexplicably shitty comment accusing well-meaning person of using English language in politically incorrect way. Contains egregious grammar and/or spelling error.
— A college student

Reasonable comment pointing out that well-meaning person makes a good point.
— Well-meaning author of thoughtful article

Grossly cynical comment crapping all over well-meaning person’s inspirational conclusion.
— Unemployed male in suburban basement

Actually very funny GIF or meme pic bearing no apparent relation to article.
— Absurdly powerful person

Deeply informed comment pointing out that author’s Wikipedia data is flawed. Link to academic paper proving it. Academic paper is behind paywall.
— Adjunct lecturer on academic job market for fourth year in a row

Comment pointing out that we are all going to die anyway.
— A nine-year-old

[MajGenl.Meade]

All that was left out was the signature

yrs,
rubato