Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Got jokes? Funny images? Your tales of disaster? Youtube links?
Post them and share them.
Let the world laugh with you, (more fun if it's at you!)
Post Reply
User avatar
dales
Posts: 10922
Joined: Sat Apr 17, 2010 5:13 am
Location: SF Bay Area - NORTH California - USA

Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by dales »

http://jalopnik.com/horses-are-pointless-1779035472


My sister owned a horse while growing up in bucolic Belmont back in the 60's.



Horses Are Pointless

Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez

If you’ve ever been privileged enough to spend time with a horse regularly, you’ll know it’s a bit of a double-edged sword.

On one hand, if you were horse-rich, you probably had awesome birthday parties as a kid and owned at least two working Power Wheels cars, but on the other hand your chances for getting drop-kicked in the teeth were exponentially higher than anyone without horse privilege.


For those of you that have never been a-horsin’, I’ll let you know what the experience is like, from someone who’s been around the block a few times with these idiotic beasts.

Anywhere you go with horses smells like rancid crap, and not the familiar tinge of a dog turd drying itself in the hot sun. No, you’ll know if horses have been around because the ground will have been littered with grassy piles of shit emitting an impossibly dank odor, not unlike that dime bag you bought at 16 that ended up being expired oregano and grass clippings.

Taking charge of a horse is a misnomer, because you’re trying to control an animal that can easily throw you off its back and stomp you to a bloody, screaming death, if not for the fact that its spirit was broken by someone with a sack of oats, a whip, and a weird internet search history. It’s an animal that is so spooked by the outside world that it wears blinders so that it doesn’t get startled by things like falling twigs, sharp gusts of wind, and the occasional horse leg flying in its general direction, caused by the first two things.

When you mount this top-heavy behemoth, you’re given strict instructions to relay to the horse - instructions that any incompetent moron would be able to understand, but as it stands, the intelligence of an average horse ranks somewhere between a dying potted plant and a ten year old bag of rock salt.

The directions are as follows: Pull the reigns attached to its head in the direction you want it to go, kick it in the ribs when you want it to go faster, and pull back when you want it to stop - except that doesn’t happen. The muscles in its stupid neck can bench press three of you and it doesn’t even understand the concept of mortality. It literally cannot give a fuck.

Even if you were to use all of your strength to subdue this brown monster into completing the objective of getting a goddamn two-hour trail ride over with already, it’s still prone to stopping randomly, not having the common courtesy to at least signal you to stop kicking it in the side because it’s taking its third crap in 10 minutes. My dog at least gives me five seconds of notice when it has to take a deuce, and she’s so dumb she treats her own tail as an active threat.

And then there’s the ride. If you’re a woman, I’m told it’s like sitting on top of a washing machine on the spin cycle in an open field with the wind flowing through your hair. It’s like an ecstasy binge without the mandatory stomach pump at the end of the night. (I can’t vouch for this personally, but I have my doubts as to its veracity.)

If you’re a man, it’s like sitting on top of the world’s tallest piano and riding it down the steps of Machu Picchu while a bipolar chimpanzee smashes your nuts with a sock filled with nickels.

After your genitals are ground into a fine paste and you come to terms with the fact that you’ll never participate in the physical act of making love again, you’ll then have to deal with the certain type of person that tells you that riding horses is their favorite pastime. Favorite.

These people will devote twice the average annual U.S. pre-tax salary to ride an animal that will run off a cliff if you tell it to. They’ll name it something like Sir Clopsalot and have their children’s innocence ruined when one of the uncaring brutes invariably bites off a finger thinking that carrots are now pink, meaty, and permanently attached to a kid.

If horses disappeared tomorrow, the world would be no different. They wouldn’t be missed, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong. :lol:

Your collective inability to acknowledge this obvious truth makes you all look like fools.


yrs,
rubato

Burning Petard
Posts: 4050
Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2016 5:35 pm
Location: Near Bear, Delaware

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by Burning Petard »

I can agree entirely. If the good Lord wanted me to ride a horse he would not have given me multiple bicycles.

I did earn the "Horsemanship Merit Badge as a Boy Scout.

Snail gate

User avatar
Bicycle Bill
Posts: 9015
Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2015 1:10 pm
Location: Surrounded by Trumptards in Rockland, WI – a small rural village in La Crosse County

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by Bicycle Bill »

Burning Petard wrote:I can agree entirely. If the good Lord wanted me to ride a horse he would not have given me multiple bicycles.

I did earn the "Horsemanship Merit Badge as a Boy Scout.

Snail gate
Well, I didn't.  And would you believe ... I also did *NOT* earn the 'Cycling' merit badge during my Boy Scout career.  I didn't get into the sport seriously until I graduated from high school.
I did, however, earn the 'Music', 'Aviation', and 'Electricity' merit badges, and just about every merit badge then available that had to do with the water (swimming/lifesaving/rowing/canoeing).
Image
-"BB"-
Yes, I suppose I could agree with you ... but then we'd both be wrong, wouldn't we?

User avatar
Lord Jim
Posts: 29716
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 12:44 pm
Location: TCTUTKHBDTMDITSAF

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by Lord Jim »

You guys are really being unfair accusing horses of being stupid...

Horses are actually quite intellectual...

Image

Image
ImageImageImage

User avatar
Guinevere
Posts: 8989
Joined: Mon Apr 19, 2010 3:01 pm

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by Guinevere »

That is clearly written by someone who has never ridden or owned horses in his life.

I grew up with horses. Owned several. My nephew rides now and in fact just completed his first horse show.

The writer hasn't got a freaking clue.
“I ask no favor for my sex. All I ask of our brethren is that they take their feet off our necks.” ~ Ruth Bader Ginsburg, paraphrasing Sarah Moore Grimké

User avatar
RayThom
Posts: 8604
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 4:38 pm
Location: Longwood Gardens PA 19348

Horse Venting: I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by RayThom »

You'll never hear me talkin' horse smack where I live. My property abuts two horse farms. Almost everybody in my neighborhood owns and/or rides. If I could stand on my roof I would see the Bolton Center where horses are not only special but sacred.

My development is hidden behind the tree at the upper left.
Image

She was a cattleman's daughter, but all the "horsemen knew her." (Horse manure... get it?)
Image
“In a world whose absurdity appears to be so impenetrable, we simply must reach a greater degree of understanding among us, a greater sincerity.” 

User avatar
dales
Posts: 10922
Joined: Sat Apr 17, 2010 5:13 am
Location: SF Bay Area - NORTH California - USA

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by dales »

That is clearly written by someone who has never ridden or owned horses in his life.


That's why I posted in laffs. Although like wesw and rubato my humor is subtle and not recognized as such.

Your collective inability to acknowledge this obvious truth makes you all look like fools.


yrs,
rubato

User avatar
Econoline
Posts: 9555
Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2010 6:25 pm
Location: DeKalb, Illinois...out amidst the corn, soybeans, and Republicans

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by Econoline »

Guinevere wrote:That is clearly written by someone who has never ridden or owned horses in his life.
More likely someone who has ridden only once or twice.

And in fairness, he did say, "If you’re a woman, I’m told it’s like sitting on top of a washing machine on the spin cycle in an open field with the wind flowing through your hair. It’s like an ecstasy binge without the mandatory stomach pump at the end of the night." :mrgreen:

As for the following paragraph...("If you’re a man, it’s like sitting on top of the world’s tallest piano and riding it down the steps of Machu Picchu while a bipolar chimpanzee smashes your nuts with a sock filled with nickels.")...that pretty much jibes with my recollections of the (VERY few) times I rode a horse as a teen or a pre-teen.
People who are wrong are just as sure they're right as people who are right. The only difference is, they're wrong.
God @The Tweet of God

User avatar
Bicycle Bill
Posts: 9015
Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2015 1:10 pm
Location: Surrounded by Trumptards in Rockland, WI – a small rural village in La Crosse County

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by Bicycle Bill »

Econoline wrote:And in fairness, he did say, "If you’re a woman, I’m told it’s like sitting on top of a washing machine on the spin cycle in an open field with the wind flowing through your hair. It’s like an ecstasy binge without the mandatory stomach pump at the end of the night." :mrgreen:
Image
Image
-"BB"-
Yes, I suppose I could agree with you ... but then we'd both be wrong, wouldn't we?

User avatar
RayThom
Posts: 8604
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 4:38 pm
Location: Longwood Gardens PA 19348

Horse Venting: I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by RayThom »

Frederik the Great: Hailed the Most Beautiful Horse in the World.

And, ladies, he's single:
Image
Image
“In a world whose absurdity appears to be so impenetrable, we simply must reach a greater degree of understanding among us, a greater sincerity.” 

User avatar
Guinevere
Posts: 8989
Joined: Mon Apr 19, 2010 3:01 pm

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by Guinevere »

dales wrote:
That is clearly written by someone who has never ridden or owned horses in his life.


That's why I posted in laffs. Although like wesw and rubato my humor is subtle and not recognized as such.
Posting it in "laffs" doesn't make it funny... :mrgreen:
“I ask no favor for my sex. All I ask of our brethren is that they take their feet off our necks.” ~ Ruth Bader Ginsburg, paraphrasing Sarah Moore Grimké

User avatar
MajGenl.Meade
Posts: 20703
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 8:51 am
Location: Groot Brakrivier
Contact:

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by MajGenl.Meade »

Horses are dull. We went to the Horse Museum in Lexington and my response on the survey card was "Too much about horses". I don't watch the Kentucky Derby - dull. Or the other two - both dull. Now the Grand National is a bit more interesting because everybody gets to fall over but I hate to see the horses get hurt.

The article was quite amusing and, for those precious few who are not horsophiles, quite truthful
For Christianity, by identifying truth with faith, must teach-and, properly understood, does teach-that any interference with the truth is immoral. A Christian with faith has nothing to fear from the facts

oldr_n_wsr
Posts: 10838
Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2010 1:59 am

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by oldr_n_wsr »

God invented motors for a reason.
oldr_n_wsr is not a horse person, however, his sister is.

User avatar
TPFKA@W
Posts: 4833
Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2012 4:50 am

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by TPFKA@W »

I love horses. I think horses are a thing of beauty, generally. But I have come to the conclusion that horse breeding, thoroughbreds in particular, needs to be brought to a screeching halt and needs to be seriously regulated. Horse breeding is akin to puppy milling, little regard is actually given to the life of the creature being brought into the world, the total interest being, of course, profit. If the horse is not a winner, it is unceremoniously dumped. Now the country is dotted with organizations dedicated to rescuing the creatures. Horses can live 30-40 years or more if given proper care.

Of course profit will always come first so I don't expect to see anything done about the problem.

User avatar
Guinevere
Posts: 8989
Joined: Mon Apr 19, 2010 3:01 pm

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by Guinevere »

Not only that, there is far too much interbreeding, and we are creating this animals that run fast, but have ever more delicate legs. Too many breakdowns and deaths. Too many jockeys injured because their animals aren't sound.

I used to adore horse racing. Now I can only watch it mostly with my hands over my eyes.


Oh and Econo -- not hardly -- for either gender.
“I ask no favor for my sex. All I ask of our brethren is that they take their feet off our necks.” ~ Ruth Bader Ginsburg, paraphrasing Sarah Moore Grimké

User avatar
TPFKA@W
Posts: 4833
Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2012 4:50 am

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by TPFKA@W »

Hubby and I just returned from a trip to Lexington, horse capital of the world. We visited the Kentucky horse park and got to pet many horsey noses. It was delightful but I had to bite my tongue when we walked through the mounted police barn. While rubbing noses, with my hand not with my nose, and patting necks of the horses they use I noted how many came from rescues. Seriously, were these people, and by people I mean horse breeders, not rolling in money horse breeding would surely have been brought to screeching halt. I would hope so anyway. We could have purchased a horse ride for a few bucks but I think my horse ridding days are over. In my yoot I was a decent rider, in both Enlish and western style. As landowners near a local huntclub I could ride with them as I pleased, until that faithful day I found myself ceremoniously tossed on the ground with horses sailing over me. Other than that I have taken many falls, been kicked and bitten as well. I bounced like rubber in those days, never breaking anything. Meahwhile my bones have begun the long betrayal and I figure if I fall off the horse, something is going to snap or shatter. I am quite content to pat just the noses, which are very near the teeth. That is the most important lesson about horses, one end bites the other end kicks.

Aside from seeing fields of thoroughbreds and saddlebreds, we ate a couple of fine meals. If you go visit eat at Le Deauville and I highly recommend the bouillabaisse. NOM!

ex-khobar Andy
Posts: 5419
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2015 4:16 am
Location: Louisville KY as of July 2018

Re: Horse Venting -or- I Can Relate To Much Of This

Post by ex-khobar Andy »

In 1985 while living in Buffalo I went on a business trip to Lexington. One evening we visited the Kentucky Horse Museum. Walked around the horse barn and a black horse poked his head out of his stall, wanting me to come over and stroke him. I did so and read his name tag: John Henry. Even I, fresh off the boat and not really a horse guy, knew who John Henry was. Twice US Horse of the Year, and when he retired he had the highest $$ winnings of the time. It was as if I had walked up to Mohammad Ali or Joe DiMaggio and stroked his forehead.

2007 I had just moved to Kentucky and we went to Lexington for the day. We went to the Horse Museum and I was telling my daughter about that first visit. "Of course he's dead now." "No he's not", said the ticket lady. "He's in that field over there." There he was, now 32 which is a great age for a horse. Long in the tooth and sway-backed, but clearly much loved. The innocent days of being able to walk up to a legend were long gone, but seeing him again was as wonderful as it was unexpected.

I was lucky to see him again. He died a few months later.

Post Reply