OK, so here's the thing, all your life you have been badgered every Xmas to donate for the OAPs Xmas party. Now you are a pensioner it's your turn to enjoy the benefits.
So here's what to do, get a relative (or pose as one) to contact all the groups in your area telling them how you live alone, have done your bit for the community over the years and will be alone at Xmas. Make sure to stress that you have difficulty getting about and will need a lift.
Here is an idea of who to contact, the Round Table, Rotarians, local churches, Conservative Club, Masonic Lodges, secondary schools, Scout groups etc etc.
You will get transport, a decent meal and nine times out of ten a gift thrown in and then a lift home. The food will be top quality because the women who get involved in these things compete to donate the best stuff so it is all M and S and Waitrose with decent home made stuff thrown in.
Incidentally you don't need to be exactly a pensioner, if you are likely to be one during the next year, or so, that will be good enough. The organisers don't expect you to turn up with a passport and a gas bill.
I know what you are thinking. There must be a catch. Correct, there is. BUT I will tell you how to avoid it. The catch is they want to provide Xmas "entertainment." This will involve some primary school kids playing "Little Donkey" on a recorder and then singing a load of Xmas Carols including all 16 verses of "Once In Royal David's City."
As soon as it looks as though they are going to start the entertainment nonsense, beckon one of the helpers and tell them you forgot to bring your medication and need to be taken home. Don't feel embarrassed about saying this or feel you are imposing. You see after the meal the volunteers are expected to do some washing up. Now given a choice between scraping pots or running you home what do you thing the volunteer prefers? Exactly. Get the timing right and you can body swerve all the singing stuff.
Plan things carefully and you won't need to buy yourself much food next month and you will get a decent stock of gifts as well.
A couple of final tips. If you are the relative phoning on your behalf avoid using the personal pronoun. eg it's not "I will need a lift," it's (s)he will need a lift. Avoid anything run by the council, it will be done on a budget with tinned food. Also when the gifts are dished out, it's a good time to apologise on behalf of your elderly neighbour who couldn't come because they are in hospital.
This is the best Xmas moneysaving tip you will get here so start organising now because the Xmas lunch season will start at the end of November.
Remember this is your entitlement, you are now a pensioner and no doubt your parents are no longer living so you are technically an orphan as well, double sympathy.
Let me expand. First the transport. The council will send someone in an anorak who will expect you to squeeze into the back seat of a two door Corsa. Whereas the Conservative Club, or Rotarians, will send a smartly dressed lady with a Jaguar, or BMW, with comfy heated seats. Ask yourself which one would you like your neighbours to see you getting into.
The council will serve basic portions of tinned food. The council will give you no gift and the council will turn out one of their local schools en masse to annoy you with out of tune singing.
Just when you think things won't get any worse, one of the local councillors will turn up dressed as Santa, and here's the real killer, accompanied by the photographer from the local paper so the council get publicity for helping pensioners.
Now here's the thing, do you really want your neighbours to see you in the local paper at a council run budget OAP event? Do you really want to appear in a photograph beside a grinning councillor?
Think smart.
Incidentally you need to exercise the same care when choosing the churches for your Xmas meals. As you go through the local Yellow Pages names like St John On The Hill, or St Peter By The Meadow will be OK. Whereas St. Jude Under The Bridge could be the church equivalent of the local council.
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
