you did read the title?
• Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
• Just Fostered a Muslim. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
• Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke All I said was, "Golly you're tall".
• They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk, in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley ,Leicester & Luton because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
• Muslim have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
• Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.
Politically INCORRECT jokes
Politically INCORRECT jokes
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
Re: Politically INCORRECT jokes
Regular or the 750ml oilcans?Just Fostered a Muslim. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Treat Gaza like Carthage.
Re: Politically INCORRECT jokes
Well, you wont mind if we iterate then;Gob wrote:you did read the title?.
So sorry, no seconds for ou ya slob!
Re: Politically INCORRECT jokes
More...
Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Aston Villa.
Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.
My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of arsehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.
A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag."
Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of f&cking Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!
What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show
Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa . But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.
100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just fucked the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.
Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. "I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone?" Girl replies, "Those are our opening times you daft twat."
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it!
Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Aston Villa.
Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.
My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of arsehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.
A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag."
Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of f&cking Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!
What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show
Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa . But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.
100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just fucked the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.
Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. "I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone?" Girl replies, "Those are our opening times you daft twat."
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it!
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
Re: Politically INCORRECT jokes
Like all polls that one has a + or - 2% margin for error.100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
Why is it that when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's 'art' and 'edgy' but when I do it I'm 'drunk' and 'banned from the hardware store'?
Re: Politically INCORRECT jokes
Gob wrote: A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag."
A wise woman once said, "If it doesn't suck, it needs servicing."
Possibly best to get a man in then.
Bah!
Re: Politically INCORRECT jokes
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death………….
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"No chance" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest one she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg."
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady is being examined by the doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening…..
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said “I love you.” She said “is that you or the beer talking?”
I replied “It's me talking to the beer”.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death………….
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"No chance" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest one she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg."
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady is being examined by the doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening…..
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said “I love you.” She said “is that you or the beer talking?”
I replied “It's me talking to the beer”.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
Re: Politically INCORRECT jokes
A warning to those who might wish to read these aloud to colleagues...
Try to make sure that another colleague doesn't walk into the office unbeknownst to you with his eight year old daughter...
Try to make sure that another colleague doesn't walk into the office unbeknownst to you with his eight year old daughter...
Why is it that when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's 'art' and 'edgy' but when I do it I'm 'drunk' and 'banned from the hardware store'?
Re: Politically INCORRECT jokes
I was having to do a heavily edited list at dinner last night.
Okay... There's all kinds of things wrong with what you just said.