Plan B Forum

1. How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees his whole life.

2. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had very low elf esteem.

3. What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?
Hits a gnome and runs.

4. What do you call a broke Santa Claus?
Saint Nickel-less.

5. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

6. Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
His wife was a total flake.

7. Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much?
Because every single buck is dear to him!

8. What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa?
A Christmas quacker.

9. What’s Santa’s favorite snack food?
Crisp Pringles.

10. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
They’re into all the wrapping.

11. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing.  It was on the house!

12. How do you help someone who’s lost their Christmas spirit?
Nurse them back to elf.

13. What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want.  He can’t hear you!

14. What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

15. What do you call a blind reindeer?
I have no eye deer.

16. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph.

17. How is Christmas exactly like your job?
You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

18. What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?
Wrap.

19. What do you call a scary looking reindeer?
A cariboo.

20. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.

-"BB"-

And I was having a pleasant Xmas Eve until I read these "jokes."

These are circle jokes -- you laugh when you get around to it.

Santa brought a girl a wooden leg for Christmas.
It wasn't what she asked for, it was merely a stocking stuffer.

Can't stop me!

21. What’s the absolute best Christmas present?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

22. What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke?
This one’s gonna sleigh you!

23. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

24. What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?
It’s finally Christmas, Eve!

25. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has no-el.

-"BB"-

Bicycle Bill wrote:Can't stop me!...

24. What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?
It’s finally Christmas, Eve!...

This makes no sense. Adam and Eve are an allegory representing the first vestiges of homo sapiens -- in other words, mankind. This event is thought to have happened around 350,000 years ago (+/-).

Conversely, the first recorded date for a Christmas being celebrated was in 336 AD. Adam and Eve would have been dead eons before any writers would begin making up stories even slightly mentioning a Christmas/Nativity event.

There's no joke there.

There HAVE been other women named Eve since the days of the Garden of Eden, y'know.
Like this lady from back when you were still a boy.



-"BB"-

I wouldn’t know her from Adam.

I recently observed to the person sitting beside me in the pew, this carol, "The First Noel" seems to go on forever. They whispered agreement, along with 'Why do we sing it so slowly?' That got me to thinking: Just what does that word 'Noel' mean?

Typical words ending with 'el' come from Hebrew and have something to do with G-d. I looked it up in the Oxford English (not American edition) Dictionary and discovered it comes from Latin, not Hebrew and relates to birth. The word first cropped up in early 19th century. No traditional Christmas implication except what has been accumulated in the last couple of centuries (just a blink in Western Theological history)

So Merry Christmas, on this the second day of Christmas season.

snailgate

The gift that keeps on giving....

26. How do you know when Santa’s around?
You can always sense his presents.

27. What do you call an elf that can sing and dance?
Elfis.

28. Where does Santa keep all his money?
In the local snow bank.

29. Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
He was searching for some holiday spirit.

30. Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas?
Because they’re shell-fish.

31. What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas carol?
Silent Night.

32. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes — or Ice Crispies.

33. What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause.

34. Why is Santa kind of scared of chimneys?
Because he’s so claus-trophobic.

-"BB"-

Burning Petard wrote:....Just what does that word 'Noel' mean?.....

I always thought the song was written by a dyslexic who wrote it after the birth of his first son, "Leon".

RayThom wrote: This makes no sense. Adam and Eve are an allegory representing the first vestiges of homo sapiens -- in other words, mankind. This event is thought to have happened around 350,000 years ago (+/-).

Conversely, the first recorded date for a Christmas being celebrated was in 336 AD. Adam and Eve would have been dead eons before any writers would begin making up stories even slightly mentioning a Christmas/Nativity event.

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Stand back. I don't know how big this thing might get"

I have know idea what he was talking about, but since we're into jokes, it sounded funny.

... Stand back. I don't know how big this thing might get."

Now that's a funny joke. I can hear Eve moaning, 'oh, oh, oh, Christmas.'

At least Adam could never call Eve the wrong name by accident while in the throes. He had to be thankful for that.

It's coming up on New Year's, so I guess it's time to shift gears —

1. Why do birds fly south for New Year’s Eve?
It’s too far to walk.

2. What do snowmen like to do on New Year’s Eve?
Chill out.

3. Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?
To start off the new year in a cool way.

4. What’s a cow’s favorite holiday?
Moo Year’s Eve.

5. What do you say to your friends on New Year’s Day?
"I haven’t seen you since last year!"

6. Why do you need a jeweler on New Year’s Eve?
To ring in the new year.

7. Where can you go to do your math homework on New Year’s Eve?
Times Square.

8. What does a ghost say on January 1st?
Happy Boo Year.

9. What did the farmer give his wife on New Year’s Eve?
Hogs and kisses.

10. What did the cat say on New Year’s Eve?
"Meow," dummy.  Cats can't talk!

-"BB"-

You can't keep a good man down!!!

11. What kind of crackers should you never eat on New Year’s Eve?
Fire crackers.

12. What is a New Year’s resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other.

13. What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?
You’ll spill your punch all over.

14. What’s the one group that hates New Year’s Eve?
The New Year’s Day clean-up crew.

15. What is a corn plant’s favorite holiday?
New Ears Day.

16. Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby New Year.

17. Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Cheese.
Cheese who?
For cheese a jolly good fellow.

18. Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Razor.
Razor who?
Razor glass and toast the New Year.

-"BB"-