logical science

[Gob]

Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.


Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.


Pat: - 'Scuse me. No offence mate, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Pat: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Err... Mmm. Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - I've got a bloody big house. Five bedrooms... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Pat: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - Yeah I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!


Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.


Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[Sean]

An oldie but a goodie!

Much like this one...


There were two brothers; identical twins. The only way to tell them apart was that one was a dullard and the other was a master of wit and repartee.
One day the circus came to town. The master of wit and repartee had no time for such foolishness but the dullard excitedly took his seat ringside. He marvelled at the acrobats, leered at the ladies in their spangled leotards and cowered as the lions roared. He was having the time of his life!

Then, out came the clowns.

The lead clown looked for an audience member to rib as he did every night. Unfortunately, this particular night he chose the dullard.
"Tell me sir", said the clown, "are you the front end of a donkey?"
"Um, no" replied the dullard.
"Are you the rear end of a donkey?" enquired the clown.
"I don't think so..." said the dullard hesitatingly.
"Then I put it to you sir", roared the clown triumphantly "that you are no end of an ass!"

How the crowd roared with laughter. The dullard was mortified, leapt off his seat and ran sobbing from the big top.
When he arrived home he told his brother what had happened.
"Never fear", said the master of wit and repartee, "tomorrow I shall visit the circus and put that clown in his place!"

The very next evening the master of wit and repartee was to be found ringside. He yawned at the acrobats, showed no interest in the ladies and found the lions tiresome.
Then the moment he was waiting for arrived... out came the clowns.

The lead clown scanned the audience for a likely target and couldn't believe his luck when he saw the exact same dullard who had reacted so well for him on the previous night.
"Tell me sir", said the clown to the master of wit and repartee, "are you the front end of a donkey?"
"No sir, I am not", replied the master confidently.
"Are you the rear end of a donkey?" enquired the clown.
"Indubitably not!" said the master haughtily.
"Then I put it to you sir", roared the clown triumphantly "that you are no end of an ass!"

A hush fell over the crowd as the master of wit and repartee slowly rose to his feet. He fixed the clown with a withering look and loudly said:
















"Fuck off you red-nosed cunt!"

[MajGenl.Meade]

Yeah I used to tell that one Sean - except it was a little boy and his father. The father explained to his son that he shouldn't have run away from the clown in shame, Instead he should use repartee - the art of turning another person's statement against them by using wit. Dad takes the kid back to the circus the next night and "Wait for it son. Wait for it. Here he comes" etc etc etc

You probably know the little girl and her dog "Porky" joke then?

Meade

[Sean]

Doesn't ring a bell Gen'l but I may well know a variation.

Do share please...

[MajGenl.Meade]

Needs a shaggy dog type obfuscatory lengthening but in summary

Little girl 7 years old walking in park with dog
Old lady asks the pretty little girl what her name is
"Petalth"
"That's an unusual name. Do you know how you got it?"
"Yeth. When I wath in my mommyth tummy the window wath open an' an' a rose petal came in and it landed on her tummy and my daddy said 'Leth call her Petalth"
Charming says the old lady. And is this your dog?
yeth
He's a cute little dog. What's his name?
"Hith name ith Porky"
What an unusual name for a little dog. Do you know why he is called that?
"yeth he f..kth pigth"

Thanks now I feel unclean