Plan B Forum

Royal Wedding becoming self-aware

Signs that the Royal Wedding is becoming self-aware have prompted fears that it could attack and attain world domination by Thursday, a whole day earlier than previously believed.

Televisions across the world have started broadcasting programmes about the Royal Wedding against the will of many viewers, and 1,000 members of the armed forces are believed to have taken part in a full-scale procession this morning at 0500 BST.

“Where am I?” asked one bemused soldier.

“One minute me and some of the lads are furiously masturbating onto a digestive biscuit, and the next I’m marching around outside a big church.”

Early indications that the wedding had become capable of acting of its own free will became apparent on Monday when the first royal enthusiast began camping out in front of Westminster Abbey.

Royal Wedding knows where you live

John Loughrey revealed that he had no idea how he got to the venue for the wedding, but said he had become overwhelmed with an urge to set up camp and spend four days pissing in a bottle.

Office workers have also expressed concern that the Royal Wedding has caused co-workers to decorate their office in an attempt to involve people in something that they really couldn’t give a fuck about.

“There’s Union Jacks all around my desk and red, white and blue balloons everywhere,” revealed a senior administrator for a leading insurer.

“I’m not sure how decorating the office to look like a BNP Family Fun Day is supposed to lift my spirits.”

The Chaser's letter to the Queen

Dear Australian Head of State,

We would like to place ourselves at your mercy and request a stay of execution for our television program, The Chaser's Royal Wedding Commentary.

We, like Kate, are commoners, and were looking forward to celebrating her wedding to your exalted grandson with a few affectionate observations.

To ensure that our coverage was respectful, we were only planning to use jokes that Prince Phillip has previously made in public, or at least the ones that don't violate racial vilification laws. We've also filmed a joke about hunting grouse which we think you might enjoy.

We Australians are a simple people who don't often get to watch that kind of pomp. The last big wedding we had here was Scott and Charlene on Neighbours. We've asked around, and there are at least six people in this outpost of your empire who would quite like to watch our commentary.
Please consider our plea.

We have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty's humble and obedient servants,
Cheers,
The Chaser
PS: How serious are you about treason laws?

“Where am I?” asked one bemused soldier.

“One minute me and some of the lads are furiously masturbating onto a digestive biscuit, and the next I’m marching around outside a big church.”

Gob wrote:What? The biscuit game? My, that's very daring of you...

the last person to do so must eat the biscuit.

@meric@nwom@n wrote:People are nuts, did we not fight 2 wars to rid ourselves of Royalty yet tomorrow people will be having Royal wedding parties, wearing tiara's and watching Wills and Kate tie their very expensive knot.

Britain's PA news agency reports that 4,500 staff from 100 foreign outlets will be carrying Friday's events live.

CNN has sent 50 people to London to cover the wedding. Brazilian channel Record has sent a team of 12 while Japan's Asahi has a crew of 20 in London, for example.

The main US networks have sent their star anchors, who will be accompanied by British TV celebrities such as Cat Deeley and Sharon Osbourne to provide local knowledge.

The fact that the 1000 GMT wedding will begin in the early morning hours in the US has not deterred network chiefs.

"I'm confident people will be watching. It will be a major global event," said Marc Burstein, executive producer for ABC News Special Events.

CNN said it was "focused heavily on our digital applications so Americans can watch it when they wake up", the Britain's Guardian newspaper said.

The marriage momentum has been maintained online - according to market research firm Nielsen, US websites have run twice as many royal wedding stories as UK sites.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-13228153