Friday jokes..
Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:28 am
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got Alzheimer's
Cheese on toast
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Did anyone hear about those ships that crashed in the pacific? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint, apparently everyone on board got marooned.........
What do we want?
A cure for tourettes!!
When do we want it?
Fuck off!!
I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays recently... Never again!
They're selling off Amy Winehouse's ashes. £1000 a gram.
A very stoned Amy Winehouse was at an awards ceremony where she bumped into Jeremy Clarkson. He recognised her and congratulated her on winning an award, she didn't recognise him though. "What do you do?" she asked, "I do Top Gear" replied Clarkson... "Bloody great. I'll have 3 grammes, my nose is peckish"
Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.
What a ripoff. I bought Amy Winehouse's greatest hits from Amazon and they've sent me a box of used syringes.
News of Amy Winehosue's death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up. She was a true heroin, this is such a blow. She really made a hash of things, though, and her career went to pot. Someone should have been keeping tabs on her.
Amy Winehouse was found slightly more dead than usual on Saturday.
Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar$e-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only got two left."
So David and Victoria Beckham have named their new child Harper Seven. Had she been born 15 minutes later, she'd have been called Kworta Eight.
A native American introduced me to his wife 'This is Four Horses'
I said 'that's a beautiful name, what does it mean?'
He replied ' nag, nag, nag, nag!'
He was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
Met a girl in a pub last night and she said "Lets go outside and I'll show you a good time".
We did and she ran the 100 metres in 9.8seconds.
Walked into the pub and ordered 8 large brandies. I downed them one after the other, then said to the barman; "I shouldn’t be drinking like this with what I've got"... Barman replied, "why, what have you got?" I said... “A dollar forty.”
Violets are blue
I've got Alzheimer's
Cheese on toast
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Did anyone hear about those ships that crashed in the pacific? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint, apparently everyone on board got marooned.........
What do we want?
A cure for tourettes!!
When do we want it?
Fuck off!!
I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays recently... Never again!
They're selling off Amy Winehouse's ashes. £1000 a gram.
A very stoned Amy Winehouse was at an awards ceremony where she bumped into Jeremy Clarkson. He recognised her and congratulated her on winning an award, she didn't recognise him though. "What do you do?" she asked, "I do Top Gear" replied Clarkson... "Bloody great. I'll have 3 grammes, my nose is peckish"
Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.
What a ripoff. I bought Amy Winehouse's greatest hits from Amazon and they've sent me a box of used syringes.
News of Amy Winehosue's death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up. She was a true heroin, this is such a blow. She really made a hash of things, though, and her career went to pot. Someone should have been keeping tabs on her.
Amy Winehouse was found slightly more dead than usual on Saturday.
Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar$e-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only got two left."
So David and Victoria Beckham have named their new child Harper Seven. Had she been born 15 minutes later, she'd have been called Kworta Eight.
A native American introduced me to his wife 'This is Four Horses'
I said 'that's a beautiful name, what does it mean?'
He replied ' nag, nag, nag, nag!'
He was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
Met a girl in a pub last night and she said "Lets go outside and I'll show you a good time".
We did and she ran the 100 metres in 9.8seconds.
Walked into the pub and ordered 8 large brandies. I downed them one after the other, then said to the barman; "I shouldn’t be drinking like this with what I've got"... Barman replied, "why, what have you got?" I said... “A dollar forty.”