Shamelessly lifted from my other forum - apologies if you've seen them before.
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ..
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal ..
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Australian Tourist Board Q & A
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Reality Bytes
- Posts: 534
- Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:52 pm
Australian Tourist Board Q & A
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
Re: Australian Tourist Board Q & A
Hen gave me that very advice the day I moved here, and to this day I've never been attacked by a drop bear. It works!A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
Re: Australian Tourist Board Q & A
If these are real inquiries...
They make us Americans appear clueless.
Why is that?
They make us Americans appear clueless.
Why is that?
Your collective inability to acknowledge this obvious truth makes you all look like fools.
yrs,
rubato
Re: Australian Tourist Board Q & A
Come on Dales you know those real answers are fake...dales wrote:If these are real inquiries...
They make us Americans appear clueless.
Why is that?
Sometimes it seems as though one has to cross the line just to figger out where it is
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@meric@nwom@n
Re: Australian Tourist Board Q & A
I wish I had known about the Hippo races last year.
Re: Australian Tourist Board Q & A
This is true.Reality Bytes wrote:Shamelessly lifted from my other forum - apologies if you've seen them before.
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
You don't have to drink to see roos in my street. It happens regularly.Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
This is true. You would want lots and lots of water.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
OK. Uncalled for. However, we do have a number of machines in a number of locations. Think of where convenient locations might be, and that is usually where they are.Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Actually, don't come naked, he was lying again.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
We like being sarcastic!
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
We do use our fingers a lot. We are lazy. We hating washing cutlery.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
We hate it when we get confused with Austria. But please don't come naked. We still don't want to see your nasty arse.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ..
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Our soils are fragile. If you weight more than 75 kilos and are under five and a half feet in height, no you can't.Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Ummm. OK. This one stumped me a bit. Do German's not think we have cows here? I dunno.Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal ..
Hmmm. Yup. That one was a bit dumb.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
It is true. They are nasty. Don't trust trees.Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
It isn't just American's, we have many gullible races here.Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Once again, this is true.Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
You get a better male female ratio in Sydney.
When it is n-i-c-e and HOT.__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
This is still true.Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
We don't speak English ourselves, but please knock yourself out learning.Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Bah!
