Libra: After listening to some constructive criticism you will take the adult approach and take action yourself and act on what people have said, by either making unfounded allegations of sexual misconduct against them or killing their pets
Virgo: This week you will eventually get round to doing all the things you intended to do for ages, like your next door neighbour, the lady chairman of the PTA committee and gardening your pubic thatch.
Aries: Your partner has been distant and needing your help. They have been carrying a burden from the workplace for too long and it has eaten at their soul, the weight loss you see is the stress of recent months but more importantly, you are due a win on the meat raffle.
Taurus: with Aries moving into Libra and the full moon of last week, it is only a matter of time before your fake perfume scam is spotted by Ebay.
Gemini: After much questioning and soul searching you take the lead and clean the pubes off the bog rim. Remember, you are only queer if you push back.
Cancer: Onlookers probably think you are able to rise above everything, are calm collected and speak little, make no attempt to take the initiative and glide across all that is happening. Those that really know you think you are a lazy cunt. Your Grattan catalogue arrives on Friday
Leo; World events have caused your irritable bowel syndrome to flare up again and your 9 year old Tibetan retainer is forced to carry your cello.
Scorpio: Bored with fisting, your partner suggests frattling and buying a little place in Devon.
Sagittarius: Time is a great healer, but sadly the suppurating canker sore on your vaginal folds has still to show any signs of knitting together so you are forced to take professional advice. That and the smell has caused other bus passengers to force you off the No73.
Capricorn: Capricorn is out of the office. If your weak minded dependency is urgent then please contact Libra who will think about getting back to you.
Aquarius: Despite your best efforts, Fat Margery is becoming suspicious about you embezzling the Christmas club money. You should not have worn those big hoop earrings and had your roots done when you claimed you were a bit short this week.
Pisces: You take the advice of friends fish boy, and do what you should have done a long time ago and bury the wife a little deeper and use heavier patio slabs
Dave: As the newest star sign you feel nervous as do those born under you (between half six and last order on the last Friday in June). You try hard to impress people but they still bounce around on the bonnet of your Micra and set fire to your hat.
Your horoscope
Your horoscope
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”