A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have sand wedge.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '$1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.
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I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.
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Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.
Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start. I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 Year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years. Can you help me…I’m desperate.
Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps.
Phil.
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
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Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get f*cking lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”
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I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.
The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.
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Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s burning my bum”.
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You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.
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News just in….There’s female ref for the United v City match. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.
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Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it up!
Jokes.
Re: Jokes.
I met a fat lass recently and commented "My, you're big aren't you?"
"Tell me something I don't know" she said with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice" I replied
I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.
It was a ridiculously long name.
"Tell me something I don't know" she said with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice" I replied
I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.
It was a ridiculously long name.
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”