Plan B Forum

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA
The husband picks up a case of Tennants and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tennants and it's half the price.'
He never knew what hit him.


A husband is laying in bed and he turns to his wife and says "Seeing your face reminds me of the lottery"
"Because I’m worth millions to you" she replies
"No," he said, "it’s because I wish you would roll over"

You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

My wife just saw a news article 'World's oldest person dies at 114' "Wow!" she said, "the way medicine and science is going, I bet we have people reaching 150 years old within the next ten years!"

My wife asked me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets to sort out my erection. She wasn't to chuffed when I came back and tossed her a packet of slimming tablets.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both of her hands.'Actually, no,' he replied.. 'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, as she ran her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender, 'Is there anything I can do? 'Yes, I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and she slyly popped a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowed him to suck them gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say? Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the bathroom


My wife rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?
"I said, "Probably failing my driving test."


A woman answered a knock at her door, only to be greeted by a travelling vacuum cleaner salesman.
Before she had a chance to speak, the man tipped a bucket of dog shit all over her carpet.
He explains," Madam if this vacuum doesn't remove all traces of that shit. I will eat what's left."
"Well," she says, "I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electricity this morning"

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat cunt, I was talking to the cat!'


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out of her purse onto the kitchen table, when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of blokes saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists.. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

.

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat cunt, I was talking to the cat!'


LOL!

A man dials 999 and tells the operator: "I think my wife is dead".
Operator: "What makes you think she's dead?"
Man: "Well the sex is the same, but the ironing is piling up".


The first time i ever had sex I took my socks off to reveal my terribly twisted and deformed toes.
My girlfriend said "What happened to you?"
I told her "I had Toe-lio as a kid".
"You mean polio?" she said.
I told her "No Toe-lio, it only affects the toes".
I took my trousers off to reveal my red spotty knees. "I had kneesles as a kid" I told her.
"You mean measles?" she replied.
"No kneesles, it only affects the knees."
I then took my boxer shorts off. She said "Dont tell me - smallcox!"

A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes. He popped into a phone box near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs... Well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call. 'Hello', the woman says. Gosh, she sounded sexy so he continues..

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.

I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic love, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

Why would he have needed an outside line if she thought it was a good proposition?

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the aroused bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."




An Aussie gets woken up in the middle of the night by the phone - he answers it and it's his distraught girlfriend:

"Bruce you bastard, you've gone and got me pregnant - If you won't marry me I'll throw myself off Sydney harbour bridge"

"Well that's bloody decent of you Sheila"



What is the definition of Australian foreplay?
"Hey Shiela, you awake?"


The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

Wife: My gynaecologist says I can't have sex for a month.

Husband: Well, what did your proctologist and your dentist say?


I rang the police earlier today and the lady asked "what's your emergency?"
I said "I've got 2 girls fighting over me"
after a pause the lady asked "and whats the problem?"
"The fat one is winning" I replied