Me; (on the phone from Australia to the UK) "Hi Mam, how are you"
Mother; "Oh it's getting cold here now boy, I can feel the weather drawing in. I hope we don't have another winter like last year, I don't think I could survive it. It's forecast to be terrible. Freezing. Like the Arctic it's going to be..."
Me; (goes away make a a pot of tea, drinks pot of tea, watches a rugby match, redecorates the living room, comes back, pick up phone...)
Mother: "Death. Doom. Global cooling. Disaster. Glaciers all over the UK. End of the world...."
Me; "Mam, just whack your central heating up full, and I'll pay your bills."
Mother; "Oh no, couldn't do that boy. No, Not that. No. No way could I ....."
Me; (Goes away, puts kettle back on....)
Motherhen, driving Hen to an appointment; (Points right) "Do I turn right here?"
Hen; "Yes." (sotto voce) "It's the same place we've been coming since I was 8 years old."
Motherhen; (turns left.)
Hen; "???"
Repeat until late for appointment.
Mothers....
Mothers....
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
Re: Mothers....
You know my Mum though?
She always has to do the opposite if what I say. Which is why I told her "If I were you, I wouldn't take the next left ..." etc. all the way to the Chiro.
We got there no problems after that.
Job done.
She always has to do the opposite if what I say. Which is why I told her "If I were you, I wouldn't take the next left ..." etc. all the way to the Chiro.
We got there no problems after that.
Job done.
Bah!
Re: Mothers....
You know mine, pleasure is the last thing she wants. In fact if I said I was going to go around to her house and bag holes in the roof so the rain could get in, she'd be very unhappy, and therefore very happy.
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
Re: Mothers....
You two are both nuts. 
(And clearly, so are your mothers.)
My mother's quirk is when giving directions, she sometimes gets ahead of herself...thos occasionally results in something like, "OK, turn left here." *I turn left* "No, no, no, your other left!"
(And clearly, so are your mothers.)
My mother's quirk is when giving directions, she sometimes gets ahead of herself...thos occasionally results in something like, "OK, turn left here." *I turn left* "No, no, no, your other left!"
Treat Gaza like Carthage.
Re: Mothers....
Sounds like you should fix her up for a date with Steve...Mother: "Death. Doom. Global cooling. Disaster. Glaciers all over the UK. End of the world...."
(And all y'all quit yer bitchin'....
be glad you still have your Mums around to complain about....)
Re: Mothers....
Oh I am glad Lord Jim.
She may be exasperating, but she is MY Mum.
(And everyone in the family is worded up to poke me every time I act like her.)
She may be exasperating, but she is MY Mum.
(And everyone in the family is worded up to poke me every time I act like her.)
Bah!
Re: Mothers....
...Running late for an appointment, because I can't find the neckerchief I set out for the outfit, the night before;
PsychoMom : You're going to be LATE!
LoCA: I know! But I can't find my scarf!
PsychoMom : Where is it!?
LoCA: I don't know, it's lost...
PsychoMom : Where did you leave it!?
LoCA: On the bed.
PsychoMom : Then where is it!?
LoCA: If I knew that, it wouldn't be lost.
PsychoMom: Little asshole!
LoCA: Thanks, that helps...
...Later as I'm getting in the car, to leave without my scarf, with PsychoMom haranguing at every step;
PsychoMom: You shouldn't lose things! [duh] Etc.
To herself, but I overhear: Oh yeah, I put it away ...!
PsychoMom runs off, and comes back with the scarf from where she stashed it;
PsychoMom:[Angry at me anywayZ; throws the scarf at me, and says...]
You do this just to annoy me don't you!!!?
LoCA: Don't flatter yourself!
PsychoMom : You're going to be LATE!
LoCA: I know! But I can't find my scarf!
PsychoMom : Where is it!?
LoCA: I don't know, it's lost...
PsychoMom : Where did you leave it!?
LoCA: On the bed.
PsychoMom : Then where is it!?
LoCA: If I knew that, it wouldn't be lost.
PsychoMom: Little asshole!
LoCA: Thanks, that helps...
...Later as I'm getting in the car, to leave without my scarf, with PsychoMom haranguing at every step;
PsychoMom: You shouldn't lose things! [duh] Etc.
To herself, but I overhear: Oh yeah, I put it away ...!
PsychoMom runs off, and comes back with the scarf from where she stashed it;
PsychoMom:[Angry at me anywayZ; throws the scarf at me, and says...]
You do this just to annoy me don't you!!!?
LoCA: Don't flatter yourself!
Re: Mothers....
Something I heard once that rang oh so true:
"Of course our mothers always know how to push our buttons, they installed them."
"Of course our mothers always know how to push our buttons, they installed them."
"The dildo of consequence rarely comes lubed." -- Eileen Rose
"Colonialism is not 'winning' - it's an unsustainable model. Like your hairline." -- Candace Linklater
"Colonialism is not 'winning' - it's an unsustainable model. Like your hairline." -- Candace Linklater
Re: Mothers....
My Mom lives in Canada, she hates the cold.
"well you could always move down here"
"Oh no it's too hot"...
"well you could always move down here"
"Oh no it's too hot"...
Sometimes it seems as though one has to cross the line just to figger out where it is
Re: Mothers....
You can find her a nice little house that straddles the border.
"The dildo of consequence rarely comes lubed." -- Eileen Rose
"Colonialism is not 'winning' - it's an unsustainable model. Like your hairline." -- Candace Linklater
"Colonialism is not 'winning' - it's an unsustainable model. Like your hairline." -- Candace Linklater
Re: Mothers....
Then she'd have 2 governments to complain about...
Sometimes it seems as though one has to cross the line just to figger out where it is
Re: Mothers....
if she is anything like my Mum, that should suit her right down to the ground.
Just back from walking the dogs with my old dear. It was a lovely morning.
Just back from walking the dogs with my old dear. It was a lovely morning.
Bah!
Re: Mothers....
My mother would have enjoyed that immensely...Then she'd have 2 governments to complain about...
Re: Mothers....
According to my mother, she was outside wearing jeans, a T-shirt, a thermal top, and a jacket yesterday. It was about 60 degrees.
I was working in a T-shirt & shorts. Are there ANY women that AREN'T always cold?!?!
I was working in a T-shirt & shorts. Are there ANY women that AREN'T always cold?!?!
Treat Gaza like Carthage.
Re: Mothers....
My mother passed away in 1976 at the age of 57, I still miss her. Be thankful for any time you have with your mothers, even the psycho ones. 
I expect to go straight to hell...........at least I won't have to spend time making new friends.
Re: Mothers....
Speaking of inconsiderate mothers... I've got to pick mine up from Brissie airport tonight. Her flight gets in just before 1am so if I'm lucky she'll get through by 1:30 and then I'm faced with a two hour drive home... AND I'm missing the bloody footy on TV for this! 
I'm kidding of course... not having seen her for two years I'm quite looking forward to her visit.
I'm kidding of course... not having seen her for two years I'm quite looking forward to her visit.
Why is it that when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's 'art' and 'edgy' but when I do it I'm 'drunk' and 'banned from the hardware store'?
Re: Mothers....
Did she bring extra strong marmite Sean?
If not, send her back to get some.
If not, send her back to get some.
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”
Re: Mothers....
Three big jars of it mate! At least a week's worth...
Why is it that when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's 'art' and 'edgy' but when I do it I'm 'drunk' and 'banned from the hardware store'?
Re: Mothers....
Yay. She's here!
Or am I just happy that my old dear has just gone off to Melbourne for a week?
iN which case ...
Yay! She's there!
Or am I just happy that my old dear has just gone off to Melbourne for a week?
iN which case ...
Yay! She's there!
Bah!