Well they made me laugh...
Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2011 12:27 pm
I just got kicked out of the zoo! How was I supposed to know that "real" hippos don't eat marbles?
"False information" spelled backwards is "False information".
The Swedish have finally finished their case against Assange. They were just crossing the Os and dotting the Us.
I was picking up some dog shit in the park one day and thought to myself... I really should get a dog.
My wife's leaving me because none of my jokes make any sense. Now that's what I call music.
I sent my schizophrenic grandfather away to live in the countryside. He's now at two with nature.
"It's not you, it's me." I hate sorting photos with my twin brother.
Just got a text inviting me to the local nudist club. I thought, why not... I haven't got anything on.
My ex-wife and I settled our divorce in a very fair way and divided the house in two. She got the inside, I got the outside.
Saw this tv show today where you could win free petrol for a year Or as they called it, Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with nostalgia. It reminded me of when my first wife left me.
Why are the roundabouts in Liverpool so wide? So the screwdriver doesn't fall out of the ignition.
Boy: "You look much better without glasses"
Girl: "But...I don't wear glasses"
Boy: "I do..."
After 100 yrs at the bottom of the Atlantic, Irish divers were amazed to find the swimming pool of the Titanic was still full.
Jamie Oliver's programme, 'Thirty Minute Meal', could be called, 'Five Minute Meal', if the cunt stopped talking and got on with it...
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.
What's the hardest part of telling your son he's adopted? For me it was learning Chinese.
I hope the new Grand Theft Auto game is available for the Wii. I want to feel like I'm really beating the prostitute to death.
I'll always remember the wife's last words... "I can't swim you cunt!"
Tonight I saved a woman from the shame of prostitution I didn't pay her.
I'm sick of the trick or treaters, so I'm turning the lights out and pretending I'm not in. Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.
I was blessed with a giant penis. Looking back, I think the priest took advantage of me.
I'm pretty sure I've just found a gap in the mar ket.
When the shit hits the fan, you know the extractor in your bathroom is too powerful.
Ahh Daylight Savings Time: Allowing Americans to feel like they got the joke. Only we told it an hour ago.
"I'm a 24 year old virgin with no friends," my brother said gingerly.
50% of teens are pushed into sex. The other 50% are male.
R.I.P Jimmy Saville. A man who went through more tracksuits than a Scouser with bowel cancer.
Sir Jimmy Savile died just two days away from his 85th birthday. Close, but no cigar.
Well, finally, Jimmy Saville must have at last read my letter.
I wish people would stop doing Jimmy Savile jokes. That means you, and you and you.
6:31pm. My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Big Brother.
I was boning the wife yesterday. If anyone has some free space in their freezer, I'd appreciate it. Mine's full now.
"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." -Evil Knievel
"What doesn't kill me makes me smaller" -Super Mario
Liverpool, the only place in Europe where your wallet gets off one bus-stop before you do!
Get my coat, you've pulled a chauvinist.
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I recently found out that it's impossible to stalk anyone starring in a pantomime.
A woman doing DIY is like playing blackjack in a casino. The house always wins.
Spain, Portugal, Italy, Greece and Ireland walk into a bar. Who pays for the drinks? Germany.
The days of good grammar is went.
I entered an innuendo competition at the weekend, but unfortunately I wrote too many. So I had to rub one out.
My Dad's just been telling us why he should be employee of the month at Samsonite this month. To be fair he does make a good case.
I just can't seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
The good thing about a facial tattoo is that you no longer need to wonder whether people think you're a complete dickhead.
I tried to impress a girl once by putting my foot down flat on the pedal. Anyway, it turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.
Imagine if there was no plagiarism... It's easy if you try.
I've just won a premature ejaculation competition. Which is strange considering I didn't enter.
My wife use to wear too much foundation. Ironic really, considering she's now under the patio.
Turkey hit by 7.3 magnitude quake. Still, I bet that beats getting hit with a baseball bat at the Bernard Matthews factory.
I'm organising an event this Tuesday for people who are unable to ejaculate. Please let me know if you can't come.
I've had many relationships with fat chicks. They never work out.
I've got 99 problems... I can't find a fucking Flake.
"False information" spelled backwards is "False information".
The Swedish have finally finished their case against Assange. They were just crossing the Os and dotting the Us.
I was picking up some dog shit in the park one day and thought to myself... I really should get a dog.
My wife's leaving me because none of my jokes make any sense. Now that's what I call music.
I sent my schizophrenic grandfather away to live in the countryside. He's now at two with nature.
"It's not you, it's me." I hate sorting photos with my twin brother.
Just got a text inviting me to the local nudist club. I thought, why not... I haven't got anything on.
My ex-wife and I settled our divorce in a very fair way and divided the house in two. She got the inside, I got the outside.
Saw this tv show today where you could win free petrol for a year Or as they called it, Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with nostalgia. It reminded me of when my first wife left me.
Why are the roundabouts in Liverpool so wide? So the screwdriver doesn't fall out of the ignition.
Boy: "You look much better without glasses"
Girl: "But...I don't wear glasses"
Boy: "I do..."
After 100 yrs at the bottom of the Atlantic, Irish divers were amazed to find the swimming pool of the Titanic was still full.
Jamie Oliver's programme, 'Thirty Minute Meal', could be called, 'Five Minute Meal', if the cunt stopped talking and got on with it...
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.
What's the hardest part of telling your son he's adopted? For me it was learning Chinese.
I hope the new Grand Theft Auto game is available for the Wii. I want to feel like I'm really beating the prostitute to death.
I'll always remember the wife's last words... "I can't swim you cunt!"
Tonight I saved a woman from the shame of prostitution I didn't pay her.
I'm sick of the trick or treaters, so I'm turning the lights out and pretending I'm not in. Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.
I was blessed with a giant penis. Looking back, I think the priest took advantage of me.
I'm pretty sure I've just found a gap in the mar ket.
When the shit hits the fan, you know the extractor in your bathroom is too powerful.
Ahh Daylight Savings Time: Allowing Americans to feel like they got the joke. Only we told it an hour ago.
"I'm a 24 year old virgin with no friends," my brother said gingerly.
50% of teens are pushed into sex. The other 50% are male.
R.I.P Jimmy Saville. A man who went through more tracksuits than a Scouser with bowel cancer.
Sir Jimmy Savile died just two days away from his 85th birthday. Close, but no cigar.
Well, finally, Jimmy Saville must have at last read my letter.
I wish people would stop doing Jimmy Savile jokes. That means you, and you and you.
6:31pm. My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Big Brother.
I was boning the wife yesterday. If anyone has some free space in their freezer, I'd appreciate it. Mine's full now.
"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger." -Evil Knievel
"What doesn't kill me makes me smaller" -Super Mario
Liverpool, the only place in Europe where your wallet gets off one bus-stop before you do!
Get my coat, you've pulled a chauvinist.
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I recently found out that it's impossible to stalk anyone starring in a pantomime.
A woman doing DIY is like playing blackjack in a casino. The house always wins.
Spain, Portugal, Italy, Greece and Ireland walk into a bar. Who pays for the drinks? Germany.
The days of good grammar is went.
I entered an innuendo competition at the weekend, but unfortunately I wrote too many. So I had to rub one out.
My Dad's just been telling us why he should be employee of the month at Samsonite this month. To be fair he does make a good case.
I just can't seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
The good thing about a facial tattoo is that you no longer need to wonder whether people think you're a complete dickhead.
I tried to impress a girl once by putting my foot down flat on the pedal. Anyway, it turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.
Imagine if there was no plagiarism... It's easy if you try.
I've just won a premature ejaculation competition. Which is strange considering I didn't enter.
My wife use to wear too much foundation. Ironic really, considering she's now under the patio.
Turkey hit by 7.3 magnitude quake. Still, I bet that beats getting hit with a baseball bat at the Bernard Matthews factory.
I'm organising an event this Tuesday for people who are unable to ejaculate. Please let me know if you can't come.
I've had many relationships with fat chicks. They never work out.
I've got 99 problems... I can't find a fucking Flake.
