Some more jokes
Posted: Sun Feb 05, 2012 2:07 am
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. . . Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it. . . circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
__________________
When I heard Stephen Hawkins had reached 70 I thought; fuck me that's a powerful wheelchair!
__________________
After landing myself in jail I spent the next hour bring relentlessly bummed. Sometimes I think my uncle takes monopoly far too seriously!
__________________
Dear Deirdre,
I was watching my next door neighbours daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was knocking one out I noticed my wife just stood there, arms folded, watching me.
Is my wife a pervert?
__________________
My wife has just come home screaming and shouting at me 'you've given me crabs you dirty bastard!'
I said 'Woah, just hang on a minute, before you start blaming me have a word with your sister!'
__________________
I was shagging a bird the other night when she said 'don't put it up my arse!'
I had to explain to her that it's traditional for the person holding the knife to make those decisions!
__________________
The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital.
On the way to the operating theatre he whispers to the nurse 'Am I in heaven?'
The nurse replies 'No, we're just taking a short cut through the children's ward'
__________________
I was asked to go and see an ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. The Police weren't too pleased. Apparently, I was only meant to be identifying the body.......
__________________
My wife just called me. She said, "The two kids want you to take them Bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema."
"It's either one or the other," I said, "otherwise it's too expensive."
"Okay," she replied. "Which one do you prefer?"
I said, "Simon"
__________________
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"That's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goat."
__________________
Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky presenter said " she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" I just happened to glance at the wife and now it's all kicked off !
__________________
A man phones an airfix model shop and asks "do you have a model of an italian cruise liner " the shop owner replies " yes we have just one left" the man says "can you put it on one side for me "
__________________
Saw a packet of Anthony Worral Thompson branded sausages in a shop. The packaging said "Prick with a fork".
Harsh, but fair...
__________________
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was tucked under Anthony Worral Thompson's jacket
__________________
"Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?"
'Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over'
__________________
The three wise men arrive at the stable. As they go in, the tallest one bangs his head on the beams.
"Jesus Christ!," he yells.
"Quick, write that down Mary," shouts Joseph, "it's a lot better than 'Kevin'".
__________________
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
__________________
A Royal Engineer moved to London after his discharge and went to Harrod's looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home before I joined the Corps.'
The manager liked the Sapper so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Sapper said, 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. 'How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p..'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said..."Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing".
__________________
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
__________________
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife aged 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
__________________
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
__________________
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
__________________
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak
__________________
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
__________________
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
__________________
I just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
__________________
A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'
'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied................'Get your own fucking blanket.'
__________________
Just home from the world blindfold masturbation championships. No idea where I came.
__________________
A small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Italy. The mayor of the Italian town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard said: "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
The following year the Spaniard visited the Italian town. He was simply amazed at the Italian mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors; it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Italian mayor said: "You see that bridge over there?"
The Spaniard replied: "No."
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. . . Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it. . . circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
__________________
When I heard Stephen Hawkins had reached 70 I thought; fuck me that's a powerful wheelchair!
__________________
After landing myself in jail I spent the next hour bring relentlessly bummed. Sometimes I think my uncle takes monopoly far too seriously!
__________________
Dear Deirdre,
I was watching my next door neighbours daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was knocking one out I noticed my wife just stood there, arms folded, watching me.
Is my wife a pervert?
__________________
My wife has just come home screaming and shouting at me 'you've given me crabs you dirty bastard!'
I said 'Woah, just hang on a minute, before you start blaming me have a word with your sister!'
__________________
I was shagging a bird the other night when she said 'don't put it up my arse!'
I had to explain to her that it's traditional for the person holding the knife to make those decisions!
__________________
The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital.
On the way to the operating theatre he whispers to the nurse 'Am I in heaven?'
The nurse replies 'No, we're just taking a short cut through the children's ward'
__________________
I was asked to go and see an ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. The Police weren't too pleased. Apparently, I was only meant to be identifying the body.......
__________________
My wife just called me. She said, "The two kids want you to take them Bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema."
"It's either one or the other," I said, "otherwise it's too expensive."
"Okay," she replied. "Which one do you prefer?"
I said, "Simon"
__________________
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"That's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goat."
__________________
Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky presenter said " she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" I just happened to glance at the wife and now it's all kicked off !
__________________
A man phones an airfix model shop and asks "do you have a model of an italian cruise liner " the shop owner replies " yes we have just one left" the man says "can you put it on one side for me "
__________________
Saw a packet of Anthony Worral Thompson branded sausages in a shop. The packaging said "Prick with a fork".
Harsh, but fair...
__________________
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was tucked under Anthony Worral Thompson's jacket
__________________
"Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?"
'Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over'
__________________
The three wise men arrive at the stable. As they go in, the tallest one bangs his head on the beams.
"Jesus Christ!," he yells.
"Quick, write that down Mary," shouts Joseph, "it's a lot better than 'Kevin'".
__________________
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
__________________
A Royal Engineer moved to London after his discharge and went to Harrod's looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home before I joined the Corps.'
The manager liked the Sapper so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Sapper said, 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. 'How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p..'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said..."Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing".
__________________
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
__________________
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife aged 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
__________________
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
__________________
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
__________________
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak
__________________
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
__________________
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
__________________
I just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
__________________
A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'
'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied................'Get your own fucking blanket.'
__________________
Just home from the world blindfold masturbation championships. No idea where I came.
__________________
A small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Italy. The mayor of the Italian town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard said: "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
The following year the Spaniard visited the Italian town. He was simply amazed at the Italian mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors; it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Italian mayor said: "You see that bridge over there?"
The Spaniard replied: "No."