Plan B Forum

The athlete: 2012 Tour de France leader BRADLEY WIGGINS, who to the best of anyone's knowledge has never taken anything more insidious than a Vitamin C tablet.
The denial: "They're just f--king w--kers.... It justifies their own bone-idleness because they can't ever imagine applying themselves to do anything in their lives. It's easy for them to sit under a pseudonym on Twitter and write that sort of s**t, rather than get off their a***s in their own lives and apply themselves and work hard at something and achieve something. "And that's ultimately it. C***s."
We say: Thank you, Bradley. You are our new hero. (We're still cheering for Cadel, though.)
Creativity: 10 out of 10
Believability: 10 out of 10


The athlete: French tennis player RICHARD GASQUET, who tested positive for cocaine, then was later cleared of any wrongdoing.
The denial: "I was making out with a woman in a club and she had cocaine in her mouth."
We say: So then Richard, you got off in every sense of the word.
Creativity: 7 out of 10
Believability: 9 out of 10


The athlete: Sprinter LASHAWN MERRITT, who won 400m gold in Beijing but was suspended in 2010 for doping after, ahem, trying to boost his trouser performance.
The denial: "I took a male enhancement product".
We say: Actually, we're inclined to believe you, LaShawn. The line between a clean athlete and a dirty one really is a game of inches, isn't it?
Creativity: 6 out of 10
Believability: 8 out of 10


The athlete: Aussie sprinter DEAN CAPOBIANCO, who in 1996 tested positive to steroids.
The denial: "I ate too much contaminated red meat".
We say: Ah-hah, the old Alberto Contador excuse. Can't these people just order the chicken?
Creativity: 5 out of 10
Believability: 6 out of 10


The athlete: Aussie soccer goalie MARK BOSNICH, who tested positive to cocaine in 2002
The denial: "A woman in a London nightclub spiked my drink".
We say: Sure Mark, and the ghost of Adolf Hitler made you do the Nazi salute to the Tottenham fans that time.
Creativity: 5 out of 10
Believability: 4 out of 10


The athlete: BARRY BONDS, who holds Major League Baseball's all-time home run record. His record is majorly tainted due to his admission he "unknowingly" used steroids.
The denial: "My personal trainer gave me flaxseed oil".
We say: Sure Barry, and that oil alone helped you hit balls into orbit around Jupiter.
[b]Creativity: 4 out of 10
Believability:[/b] 2 out of 10


The athlete: SHANE WARNE, who is currently modelling as Liz Hurley's handbag and who once was kicked off the Australian One Day team for testing positive to a banned diuretic
The denial: "My Mum gave it to me".
We say: The thing is, it's actually quite conceivable that Shane Warne's Mum completely runs his life.
Creativity: 6 out of 10
Believability: 1 out of 10


The athlete(s): The NORTH KOREAN WOMEN'S SOCCER TEAM who tested positive for steroids at the 2011 Women's World Cup in Germany
The denial: "We used steroids to recover from a lightning strike."
We say: Funny how steroid use often strikes twice in the same place.
Creativity: 10 out of 10
Believability: 0 out of 10