1: Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” To which the old lady replied, “No way. You got yourself into this mess, don’t ask me to sort it out!”
2: Police have found a drowned man in the river. He was wearing an England Shirt, suspenders and stockings. His penis was stuck up a blow up doll and he had a Vibrator stuck up his arse. The Police have removed his England shirt to save any embarresment to his family.
3: The English Football Team has now flown home; they arrived to a rapturous welcome at the Airport. Thousands of fans clapped and cheered and waved flags as the team disembarked from the plane. Fabio Capello, the coach, was smiling as he told the waiting reporters. "I am delighted to be in Scotland and very happy that the plane was diverted to Glasgow Airport".
4: Osama bin Laden has just released a new tv message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performace on saturday was completely shit. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
5: David Blaine is reportedly furious after England crashed out of the World Cup – his record of doing absolutely nothing in a box for 42 days was broken by Wayne Rooney.
6: The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Jamal, aged six.
7: I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock.
8: What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.
9: What does the Englishman do when England wins the World Cup? He switches off the Play Station.
10: What’s the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
News Flash: Huge spike in sales of pink fairy tutus at Glastonbury Festival by blokes too embarrassed to wear their England shirt.
Apparently, the new England tactic is to have Rooney and Gerrard up front, Robert Green in goal and the rest of the team just behind him.
