Plan B Forum

What is the opposite of Imagination?
I have no idea.

Nothing beats a girl with really nice long hair.
Except Chris Brown.


"Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"She could scream all she wanted. I was keeping the umbrella.


I approached a sales assistant today.
"Hi, sorry. Do you mind if I ask a really silly question?"
"Not at all" she smiled.
"What is Michael Jackson times six?"



At an a Irish wedding the DJ asked the married men to stand beside the person that made their life worth living
The barman was nearly crushed to death in the rush.



I'd packed my stuff and I was leaving, as I stepped through the front door the wife shouted "I want you to suffer a slow and painful death!"
"Oh, so you want me to stay now!" I replied



A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."


I was telling my mate how my sex life is like a 100 metre final.
"Over in less than ten seconds?" he laughed.
"No," I replied. "I do it with seven big black men."



Paddy goes to the vet and says "I think my goldfish has epilepsy"
The vet looks and says, "it seems fine to me, sir."
"Hang on," says Paddy, "I haven't taken it out of the tank yet!"


Victoria Beckham has used David's involvement with the torch to get a role in the Olympics too.
She's going to be a javelin.



The missus came into the room.
"Here I am, back from the beauty salon!"
"Awww," I replied, "were they closed?"


Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.


My girlfriend texted me earlier, "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?"
I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."


How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?


None.

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.

A bloke goes to Cornwall Council to apply for a job in the higher echelon.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says: "You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am and carry on starting at 11.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks: "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 11.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first three hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. There's no point in you coming in for that!"

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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam

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I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"

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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.

Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she love Alan, my best mate......

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A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.


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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"

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Life is like a penis.

Soft and hanging freely.

It's women that make it hard

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I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"

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Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"

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The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England ..

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The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.

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A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.

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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes here sleepy and her bum sore.