some jokes
Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2012 11:43 pm
Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why ??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again !!"
Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!"
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your fucking next !!"
Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"Fucking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable ?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!".
Went out last night dressed to kill . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet ?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday !!"
What is it ??
Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It’s my turn!"
"You had it last"
"Fuck off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"No way!"
"But it's my go !!"
.... Siamese twins having a wank
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife.
They said "Is this your Wife Sir?"
Shocked, I answered "Yes!".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident".
I said "I know but she has a lovely personality !"
Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious !!"
Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.
Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks ?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one !!"
She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why ??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again !!"
Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!"
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your fucking next !!"
Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"Fucking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable ?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!".
Went out last night dressed to kill . . . Beard, sandals, turban and backpack.
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet ?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday !!"
What is it ??
Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It’s my turn!"
"You had it last"
"Fuck off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"No way!"
"But it's my go !!"
.... Siamese twins having a wank
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife.
They said "Is this your Wife Sir?"
Shocked, I answered "Yes!".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident".
I said "I know but she has a lovely personality !"
Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious !!"
Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.
Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks ?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one !!"