Wives, girlfriends, lovers...The things they say
Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 10:08 pm
Taken from a climbing forum I use.
A trailer comes on for some new Stallone action film which shows Sly running through a scene with expositions holding a machine gun...
"Aw naw. Hasn't there not been enough Rocky films now?"
At our daughter’s nativity where the kids were obviously dressed up as certain characters and animals featured in a traditional nativity scene:
Her: “Why are there Vikings on the stage?”
Me: “Those would be cows. “
When she was attempting to be all flirtatious:
“Am I a cheetah?”
“Do you mean cougar?”
On spotting trees with bark missing up to about 12 feet high; "must be rabbits".......cork trees in Portugal!?
"Did you hear the X family sold their estate for £40 million?"
"Wow, I didn't realise they made cars that expensive"
“Stop the car! they're giving away Range Eggs for free at that farm”
Me: "What do you think the moon is made of?"
Her: "Teflon".
I have a friend who is a total hypochondriac. He was convinced that he had leukaemia.
His Girlfriend said "Don't be stupid if you had cancer your hair would have fallen out by now"
Last year during the Six Nations, at half time when the team emblems are superimposed onto the pitch with the score, my missus asked how someone managed to get out and paint them on the pitch so quickly. Then asked where they had gone when the second half started.
Mate's wife watching “Walking with Dinosaurs” with mate, when she asked where did they manage to film it?!
'Don't be daft lass, the dinosaurs lived millions of years ago'.
She pauses to think, and then says 'Oh, well how come it's not in black and white then'?
Mrs Booth suggested we sell our house in Wales using the estate agents 'A.R. Werth' - apparently they have signs everywhere.
I pointed her to Google translate: Welsh to English: 'Ar werth'
My significant other didn't think that clouds came out at night. In fact, she has so many of these half asleep moments that we call them Emmaisms
and she said to me, 'What was the name of the ship in "Mutiny on the Bounty?"
The Mrs tried taking a compass bearing off a horse. It took an alarmingly long time for her to realise what the problem was. Amazing.
Driving through countryside with rapeseed fields all around: 'those daffodils are wonderful, but why do they grow so many?'
Then there was the time she got angry (and a little violent) when she woke up one morning.
Apparently I had upset her in her dream.
I am told this is a common thing women do.
At Jamie Oliver's "15 Cornwall", having the tasting menu, my wife tried a mouthful of the truffle risotto.....
Wife: (a little louder than she planned,) "OH MY GOD!! MY MOUTH JUST HAD AN ORGASM!!"
Daughter: (very loudly,) "Mother!!!"
We have to ignite our gas hob with a hand held 'sparker' thingy-me-jig which was about knackered and producing a weak spark.
My Mrs asked me one day where we could buy a packet of sparks from to re-fill it..
"I don't like these crisps, I can taste them in my mouth"
After putting snow in her mouth: "Ooh it's cold!"
"Budapest? What is that? Is it a religion?"
"Do you think these eggs are alright?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they've gone all hairy."
I'd put kiwi fruit in the egg tray.
Me; "Alan's "red/green" colour-blind you know."
My (very blonde) Ex: "Wow! How does he manage with traffic lights????"
Me: "Well the top one tends to be......"
As I left the house to take the DVD back to the rental shop; "Don't you need to rewind it first?"
A spider was running across the living room floor a few weeks ago and she asks "Do spiders know where they're going?”
Apparently they are asking for money back from Lance Arnold!!
Who?
Lance Arnold!
Who?
The unicyclist!
Who?
Won the tour of Flanders 7 times!!!
On a unicycle?
Yes?
Do you mean Lance Armstrong and Tour de France?
Yes. (sulks)
I said; "Do you know who invented the jock-strap?"
She says "no".
Punchline... "It was Alfred HITCH-COCK"
"Oh, was it for one of his films?"
After seeing Go Compare ad on telly, "D'you think they asked Stephen Hawking if he wanted to do that advert?"
Sitting waiting for a train once I get ; "Those train drivers must be very good drivers"
Me; "Why’s that?"
"those tracks are very narrow I don’t think I could keep the wheels on those"
Just heard in the office:
"We've just brought a hot tub"
Wife looked at it last night and asked
"Are all those bubbles made of water."
Most amusing question from an ex, driving home on a foggy night. Her "Who turns the cats eyes off after we have gone past?"
And just to balance things up from one of the blokes in the office. "What county is York in?"
"How much more of the air can be filled with radio waves before it affects our breathing - like each breath we take has more waves in it than air?"
A trailer comes on for some new Stallone action film which shows Sly running through a scene with expositions holding a machine gun...
"Aw naw. Hasn't there not been enough Rocky films now?"
At our daughter’s nativity where the kids were obviously dressed up as certain characters and animals featured in a traditional nativity scene:
Her: “Why are there Vikings on the stage?”
Me: “Those would be cows. “
When she was attempting to be all flirtatious:
“Am I a cheetah?”
“Do you mean cougar?”
On spotting trees with bark missing up to about 12 feet high; "must be rabbits".......cork trees in Portugal!?
"Did you hear the X family sold their estate for £40 million?"
"Wow, I didn't realise they made cars that expensive"
“Stop the car! they're giving away Range Eggs for free at that farm”
Me: "What do you think the moon is made of?"
Her: "Teflon".
I have a friend who is a total hypochondriac. He was convinced that he had leukaemia.
His Girlfriend said "Don't be stupid if you had cancer your hair would have fallen out by now"
Last year during the Six Nations, at half time when the team emblems are superimposed onto the pitch with the score, my missus asked how someone managed to get out and paint them on the pitch so quickly. Then asked where they had gone when the second half started.
Mate's wife watching “Walking with Dinosaurs” with mate, when she asked where did they manage to film it?!
'Don't be daft lass, the dinosaurs lived millions of years ago'.
She pauses to think, and then says 'Oh, well how come it's not in black and white then'?
Mrs Booth suggested we sell our house in Wales using the estate agents 'A.R. Werth' - apparently they have signs everywhere.
I pointed her to Google translate: Welsh to English: 'Ar werth'
My significant other didn't think that clouds came out at night. In fact, she has so many of these half asleep moments that we call them Emmaisms
and she said to me, 'What was the name of the ship in "Mutiny on the Bounty?"
The Mrs tried taking a compass bearing off a horse. It took an alarmingly long time for her to realise what the problem was. Amazing.
Driving through countryside with rapeseed fields all around: 'those daffodils are wonderful, but why do they grow so many?'
Then there was the time she got angry (and a little violent) when she woke up one morning.
Apparently I had upset her in her dream.
I am told this is a common thing women do.
At Jamie Oliver's "15 Cornwall", having the tasting menu, my wife tried a mouthful of the truffle risotto.....
Wife: (a little louder than she planned,) "OH MY GOD!! MY MOUTH JUST HAD AN ORGASM!!"
Daughter: (very loudly,) "Mother!!!"
We have to ignite our gas hob with a hand held 'sparker' thingy-me-jig which was about knackered and producing a weak spark.
My Mrs asked me one day where we could buy a packet of sparks from to re-fill it..
"I don't like these crisps, I can taste them in my mouth"
After putting snow in her mouth: "Ooh it's cold!"
"Budapest? What is that? Is it a religion?"
"Do you think these eggs are alright?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they've gone all hairy."
I'd put kiwi fruit in the egg tray.
Me; "Alan's "red/green" colour-blind you know."
My (very blonde) Ex: "Wow! How does he manage with traffic lights????"
Me: "Well the top one tends to be......"
As I left the house to take the DVD back to the rental shop; "Don't you need to rewind it first?"
A spider was running across the living room floor a few weeks ago and she asks "Do spiders know where they're going?”
Apparently they are asking for money back from Lance Arnold!!
Who?
Lance Arnold!
Who?
The unicyclist!
Who?
Won the tour of Flanders 7 times!!!
On a unicycle?
Yes?
Do you mean Lance Armstrong and Tour de France?
Yes. (sulks)
I said; "Do you know who invented the jock-strap?"
She says "no".
Punchline... "It was Alfred HITCH-COCK"
"Oh, was it for one of his films?"
After seeing Go Compare ad on telly, "D'you think they asked Stephen Hawking if he wanted to do that advert?"
Sitting waiting for a train once I get ; "Those train drivers must be very good drivers"
Me; "Why’s that?"
"those tracks are very narrow I don’t think I could keep the wheels on those"
Just heard in the office:
"We've just brought a hot tub"
Wife looked at it last night and asked
"Are all those bubbles made of water."
Most amusing question from an ex, driving home on a foggy night. Her "Who turns the cats eyes off after we have gone past?"
And just to balance things up from one of the blokes in the office. "What county is York in?"
"How much more of the air can be filled with radio waves before it affects our breathing - like each breath we take has more waves in it than air?"