More jokes, some in poor taste

[Gob]

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, And was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!' She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

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I was in the loft sorting through my old porn collection the other day, I thought christ, most of these girls will be teenagers now...

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Had bubble & squeak for dinner last night, suppose I'll have to buy the kids new hamsters now...........
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A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

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www.conjunctivitis.com Now there's a site for sore eyes!

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You know the cause of all the pedophilia in this country... ...all the sexy kids.

[Gob]

Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked....
"Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did two little boys"?
"No" he replied, "That was Gary Glitter".

Murphy asked Paddy 'What ringtone have you got?'.
Paddy answers 'I've never realy looked, but probably light brown.'

Got threw out of B&Q today. I was in the garden section when a spotty sales assistant came over and asked me if I wanted decking........... But I got the first punch in.


Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. Than k you. That chicken was delicious.

Every time I see my mate in town with his wife they are always holding hands.
I asked him why this was, and he said, "If I let go, she shops".

A man goes to the psychologist.
The psychologists asks: "Why are you here?"
"Well, I work in a canning plant and a few weeks ago I got a sudden urge to put my penis in the cucumber slicer. I fought it for the first few days, but finally I couldn't help myself and I did it".
The psychologist asks, alarmed: "And what happened?!?!"
"Both of us got fired"

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

My friend has tried to improve the aerodynamics of his racing snail. He removed the shell but I'm not sure it's worked - the poor thing seems very sluggish

Went for a check up for testicular cancer last week. A little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure"
I said "I haven't got an erection"
She said "no, but I have"

The missus asked me why I always start to sing when the end of my penis entered her during sex.
I said "Cos I feel like a pop star love"
"Oh really" she said, "which one"
"Just in beaver"


"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison

Can you spare just £2.00?
Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia.
He has only one arm, one leg and one eye.
Every day, he has to ride seven miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bicycle with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal.
If you send us just £2.00, we'll send you the video. It's feckin' hilarious!

[MajGenl.Meade]

I got a letter this morning from the SA Revenue Service querying the number of tax deductions I claimed for 2011. They said my count of dependents was wrong. I put:

12,000,000 illegal immigrants
20,000,000 unemployed
2,000,000 people in 243 prisons and
448 MPs

I keep asking myself who I left out