Some Very Useful Tips

[Lord Jim]

How can I become an asshole in five easy steps?

Introduction

Have you ever thought that deep down you really were not a nice person? If no, this guide probably is not for you. If yes, congratulations, you're well on your way to becoming an Asshole! If you follow these easy steps, you will be able to ensure that people think of you as an asshole, and not as a mere jerk, putz, loser or boor.

Step One: Have Impossibly Refined Sensibilities

This is the most essential step to becoming an asshole, and probably the most difficult. It requires an amount of study because you will need to know your field. Faking is not an option; a fake will be held up as an object of scorn and as a pretentious moron, which is clearly not your objective. I'd suggest specializing in a particular area, like food or music. While General Assholery is spectacularly impressive, it requires nearly a lifetime of study to properly attain. Knowing your field means knowing it utterly; if you intend on being a Food Asshole, you'll not need to be able to instantly tell the difference between a good Chateau Lafaurie-Peyraguey and an indifferent Puligny-Montrachet, you'll need to be able to expound to your host or hostess on why the former would have been a much better choice to serve with dessert.

Step Two: Use Really Big Words

This is a much simpler step in your ascendance to Divine Asshole. All you'll need for this is a thesaurus and a dictionary. Take some common place words and replace them with obscure ones, instead of "beauty" say "pulchritude", instead of "childish" say puerile. Make certain that you are properly using your new obscure words; loudly correct anyone who uses them improperly.

Step Three: Choose Something To Hate

It doesn't matter what, as long as it is something almost universally loved. Don't hate the French if you're English. Don't hate the Backstreet Boys or N'Sync, or you may be mistaken for a wit instead of an asshole. Whatever you do decide to hate, make sure you know enough about it to hate it properly, I'd suggest hating something in your field of expertise. If you're a Food Asshole, hate Italian Cuisine, if you're a Music Asshole, try hating Mozart or The Beatles. Make sure that whatever you do hate, is common enough to come up in casual conversation; if you're an Art Asshole, don't hate Gustave Caillebotte, as it's hard to bring conversation repeatedly around to lesser-known impressionists.

Step Four: Always Manage To Turn Conversation Around To You

No matter what the topic of conversation is about, make sure you play a starring role in it. If someone is complaining about their hateful and psychotic ex-boyfriend, tell them all about your evil ex, who was way more evil and psychotic then theirs. If you don't have an ex, make one up. If someone manages to mention something remotely related to your field of expertise, monopolize the conversation. If possible, turn the conversation back to the thing you chose to hate in Step Three and complain loudly about it.

Step Five: You Are Always Right, Be Secure In This

This is the culmination of your training as an asshole. Once you have mastered the first four steps, you are ready for this. When someone decides to argue with you about the merits of the thing you hate in step 3, intellectually bludgeon them using the words you learned in step two. This should not be especially difficult if the hated item is one in your area of expertise from step one. Resort to ad hominem attacks deriding your opponent's intelligence. Don't be overly concerned about being clever, witty or eloquent; you are an asshole afterall, not a bitch. If you manage to win the argument either by logic and reason or by your opponent leaving in disgust; be an ungracious winner and taunt your fallen foe.

Conclusion

If you carefully adhere to the above steps, you will be a Supreme Asshole in no time. While you may not have many friends, you can be secure in the knowledge that being an asshole is always better than being a jerk or a loser; they not only lack friends, they lack style.

[loCAtek]

[Lord Jim]

I actually found that article quite educational....

I learned for example, that I have been in error all these years referring to rube as an asshole....

While he has many, many of the behaviors and attributes required to qualify, he's missing some key elements. He has skipped step one entirely, and as for step three he certainly has never bothered to learn much (or in some case even anything) about the numerous people and things he has chosen to hate. (On the other hand, he's certainly got the "Don't be overly concerned about being clever, witty or eloquent" bit down pat....)

So rube, I guess I owe you an apology....

All these years I've been calling you an asshole, while in reality you've really only been a jerk....

[BoSoxGal]

What's this? Another thread attacking an individual poster who hasn't even participated?

I must be losing my mind, because I could've sworn in a fairly recent exchange it was acknowledged such tactics were in poor taste. Apparently I hallucinated that.

[loCAtek]

WTF?

[Lord Jim]

What's this? Another thread attacking an individual poster who hasn't even participated?

I must be losing my mind, because I could've sworn in a fairly recent exchange it was acknowledged such tactics were in poor taste. Apparently I hallucinated that.

Uh, actually no, this is not "a thread attacking an individual poster"....

The "thread" is about a humorous list of attributes needed to qualify as an asshole... (But in all fairness you may not be aware of this, since you've already made clear that you don't feel the need to actually have read what I've posted prior to characterizing it, so perhaps you didn't read the OP)

[Econoline]

It certainly looks (to an outsider) as if the reason for your first post in this thread (which was a quote containing none of your own words) was so that you could make the comments you made in your second post. If you want to ignore him, fine; I fully understand and approve of that course of (in)action. But throwing gratuitous insults in a thread where rubato hasn't even participated--or starting a thread to do so--isn't "ignoring", it's "shit-stirring".

[Lord Jim]

It certainly looks (to an outsider) as if the reason for your first post in this thread

Well you're entitled to your opinion, but you are wrong...

I found that article when I was looking for an image to post (which I did) in another thread....

It's appropriateness to rube only occurred to me later...

And BTW, if you or anyone else with a bad case of RBS thinks for one second that I am going to apologize for making a sarcastic remark about the man with the record for the most gratuitous insults on three boards...

You're going to have a very long wait coming....

And I'll tell you something else....

I have never once...not once, not a single time....

Despite the hundreds and hundreds of gratuitous insults this nasty little prick has hurled in every direction....

EVER seen a liberal poster follow up once with a post after one of his shit balls with a single word of criticism directed at him....

Day in and day out for years and years he has done this, and nary a word of criticism directed to him....

Total silence....

So you'll forgive me if I am completely unmoved by criticism directed at me by the same folks who have failed to say anything to the the 800 pound gorilla in the room for 12 years....

Given the garbage I have taken from him, I will feel perfectly entitled to make derogatory comments or sarcastic references about him any time I care to and if you or anyone else doesn't like, it I frankly could not care less.

[dales]

And BTW, if you or anyone else with a bad case of RBS thinks for one second that I am going to apologize for making a sarcastic remark about the man with the record for the most gratuitous insults on three boards...

Three boards?

Lemme see...

Car talk

Hey Wadda You Know

Cyber Soap box

Cyber Soap box (reboot)

Plan B

I recall five, Jim.

btw: I've enjoyed rubato's input for the past decade. I wish him well and hope to meet him fTf one day.

Perhaps at the Beach Chalet across from Ocean Beach?

You, myself, and other NorCal denizens can have a blast!

Sorry for the asshole hijack, Jim.

[Lord Jim]

You know Econo, your comments, (and those of BSG) have got me thinking that maybe I should take rube off of ignore....

So that I after each of his gratuitous insults I can post something like this:


GRATUITOUS INSULT ALERT!!!!

GRATUITOUS INSULT ALERT!!!!

GRATUITOUS INSULT ALERT!!!!

To make it a little easier for those who seem to have had such great difficulty seeing them...


Or maybe I should start a thread titled "Rubato's Gratuitous Insults" and just copy and paste them there....

Would that help make them easier to see?

[Joe Guy]

Well your entitled to your opinion, but you are wrong...

' Well, you're entitled'

And since this thread is about how to be an asshole, your follow up posts are perfectly acceptable.

In regards to your issue with 'liberals' not backing you up, maybe liberals don't think you need any help and so they don't need to pile on.

Just a thought.

[Lord Jim]

In regards to your issue with 'liberals' not backing you up, maybe liberals don't think you need any help and so they don't need to pile on.

It's not just me Joe...

Hell a couple of days ago he laid into you out of the blue....

He did apologize a day later, but before he did, I was the only criticize him for it....

Maybe part of it is because his gratuitous insults are so ever present and ubiquitous, that for some people they've become like background noise....And maybe part of it is he's just such a bully that some people simply don't want to incur his wrath...

But whatever the reason, as you can see, my patience for folks who want to criticize me for making a comment about rube who have never once taken him to task for any of the innumerable gratuitous remarks he has made, (not just to me but to many others) is pretty much nonexistent.

ETA:

Come to think of it Joe, his "apology" to you wasn't even really an apology; it was just another insult dressed up to look like an apology....

And not so much as a single "boo" from the audience....

[dales]

And since this thread is about how to be an asshole....

Just a thought.

Do tell?

eta: sorry, joe.....got cought up in the thread.

[Gob]

Hey, hang about here, it's not just you Repubbies he constantly insults, I'm more "liberal" (in the perverse American intepretation of "liberal") than anyone here, and I get non-stop insults from the bitter little shitbag.

[Lord Jim]

Hey, hang about here, it's not just you Repubbies he constantly insults, I'm more "liberal" (in the perverse American intepretation of "liberal") than anyone here, and I get non-stop insults from the bitter little shitbag.

Oh I know, Strop...he insults people of all stripes....

And when I said "liberals" I should have said "American liberals" because you have certainly done a good job in terms of calling him on his shit...(Sean as well)

[Econoline]

Calm down, Jim. I think if you'd responded to bsg, with what you wrote to me--instead of denying doing what you'd just apparently done and accusing her of not reading what you wrote--I probably wouldn't have said anything. As for rubato, well, when he posts something I think is worthwhile or entertaining I may or may not say something in response, but when he's being an asshole (or a jerk ) I normally just ignore him. Sometimes both during the same post. (And as Joe pointed out, his usual targets--you, Gob and dgs--don't seem to need any help when it comes to fighting back.)

We now return you to your regularly scheduled assholes thread...

[MajGenl.Meade]

We now return you to your regularly scheduled assholes thread...

Pity that. I was wondering who'd prove they could piss higher up a wall without using their hands but to get back to the regularly scheduled thread then....

if you intend on being a Food Asshole, you'll not need to be able to instantly tell the difference between a good Chateau Lafaurie-Peyraguey and an indifferent Puligny-Montrachet, you'll need to be able to expound to your host or hostess on why the former would have been a much better choice to serve with dessert.

At this moment in time, I am pondering the versimilitude of that statement. If one is unable to tell the difference between these two wines, how can one wax forth to one's hostess on which would have been the better choice with dessert? Or is it that it doesn't matter which is actually better, one must simply pick one? Suppose however they were the same wine (and one had not realised it because one cannot tell the difference) - why then one would look like er.... a pretentious moron. Myself I can instantly tell my wines by reading the labels.

Now let us discuss this question of dessert. Is it malva pudding? In that case the Peyraguey would be a poor choice after all. And as for bread-and-butter pudding, well what kind of hostesses are we speaking of here?

Oh well, those who wish may now turn the conversation back to the thing they chose to hate in Step Three and complain loudly about it

Meade