oldr_n_wsr's alcoholic adventure

[Sue U]

Best of luck, oldr, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

[Guinevere]

I'm glad you pulled through Oldr, we are lucky you're around. Be good to yourself.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Thanks everyone. I am in a better place right now. It was totally out of character and scares me of what I could be capable of. Back on antabuse and double what my Zoloft dose was. Back into the 12 steps full bore. Calling my sponsor and network daily. Back to praying and reading. I'm sober now, all I can control.
Thanks again.

[Lord Jim]

double what my Zoloft dose was

Oldr, has your doctor (I'm assuming he probably has, but just in case he hasn't) considered the possibility that it is the Zoloft that may have triggered this?

Zoloft is one of those anti-depressant drugs that can actually cause people to have suicidal tendencies in a small percentage of users:

Unfortunately, SSRIs, a relatively new class of antidepressants, have been associated with an increased risk of suicide. In tests of Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, Lexapro and Luvox on children with major depressive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and other psychiatric disorders, about 4 percent of patients experienced suicidal thinking, behavior or attempts. In the placebo group, 2 percent of the participants experienced similar problems.

http://www.drugwatch.com/ssri/suicide/

Has he considered the possibility that you might be in that 4%?

[BoSoxGal]

SSRI-related suicidal ideation - which occurs in a very small percentage of cases of folks using SSRIs - usually occurs early in the course of medication use, when the user is pulled from the depths of clinical depression to a point where s/he feels energized enough to act on ideation. This is a very controversial subject and recently the FDA was urged to remove the black-box labeling of SSRIs. SSRIs save far, far more lives than they harm. I'm guessing oldr's MD has thought about that already. (Obviously, there is a FAR higher incidence of alcohol-related suicide attempts than SSRI-related.)



oldr, I read this every morning and it really helps me with my daily struggles - maybe you would like it, too:

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata"

You are a child of the universe, oldr - be gentle with yourself.

[Joe Guy]

I think it's most important that you realize that you are important to your family and others in your life whether it is expressed often or not at all. Every day you are sober is a gift to those who love you and to yourself.

Best of luck oldr & keep faith.

[BoSoxGal]

Excellent sentiment, Joe - I concur.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Yeah, I went through the zoloft warings wth my doc and shrink. Been on them for years and been fine. Near as I can tell the snoball started rolling down hill in earnest when I had my mc accident. All my routines (morning prayers, daily readings, etc) got shot to shit. I was out of work for a week and the 5:30am walk tot he gate with the dog to get the newspaper didn't happen. I usually prayed right after that. But I didn't get up til later. Some days I would pray, some days not. Then, when I would usually drive to work and upon arrival read the daily reflection. No longer driving to work, no onger reading the daily reflection. At work after lunch I would read some big book, but not at work so no big book. Started taking tuesday and thrursdays off from AA meetings. The snowball got bigger. Once I picked up teh drink, all bets were offf.
Shold have called people, but being a DIY kind of guy, I didn't. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Glad I am still here and working the steps again. Calling my sponsor everyday to stay in touch and get into the good habits.
Thanks for that BSG. I am printing it out and will keep a copy with me at all times.

ETA
Going to counseling on tuesday and thursday nights starting this coming tuesday. Met with new shrink last night. (nothing wrong with my old shrink, just that he's based in brooklyn so this is easier as he's out here on the island)

[MajGenl.Meade]

God bless you oldr. I think standing with supports is much better than falling alone

[Gob]

Thanks for keeping us up to speed mate, and thanks for continuing to work at it.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Feeling very well today. Went to bed about 9:30pm-10pm last night. Might need to make that my new bed time.
ETA
Also had my first "group" session last night. I reserve opinion on that til I get a few more under my belt.

[Big RR]

All the best oldr--do what you need to do to be well.

[wesw]

excuse me. I just wanted to thank olderwiser. I believe this thread is a service to humanity, and should be made into a book, or textbook. all the posts are valuable.

I just read all the pages. the last few caught me by surprise. I hope the story of your drinking life ended with this last chapter. its time for you to write that book I think.

I learned a lot about my best friend from youth, an alchoholic like you. he goes to great lengths and seems to enjoy the thrill of hiding his drinking from his wife.

I drank too much at times for reasons, but never had that craving that you guys have. he has the ability to carry on all day while drinking too.

i would only say that step 4 may be worth revisiting.

i read the bible for the first time 3 yrs ago and was amazed at the wisdom i found there. no matter what you believe, the wisdom is there. i read Job, the new testament next, then worked on the old with a healthy dose of proverbs and psalms.

i can honestly say i was saved, but i ll save that for the religious thread.

just don t hate yourself for things that weren t your fault from your childhood,and don t hate yourself for things that were your fault from forever. you are a good man with a weakness.

look at all the success you ve had. the restart doesn t make you a failure, just restart your success.

i m sorry to intrude, but i was almost lost a few years ago. its good to have found myself. don t give up

thank you for your story. thank god we re alive

wes

[oldr_n_wsr]

Thanks wes.

seems to enjoy the thrill of hiding his drinking from his wife.

I know that "lust" very well. It's like we're 5yo old again and getting away with something. Adrenelin rush or whatever.

he has the ability to carry on all day while drinking too.

I (and others) call it a "functioning alcoholic". This too shall pass (the ability to function somewhat normally). Just a stage in an alcoholics journey to their bottom. nd everyone's "bottom" is different.

I hope the story of your drinking life ended with this last chapter.

The book never ends. Once a pickle you can never be a cucumber again.And there is no diploma nor graduation. It's a life long journey and the alcoholic needs to stay vigilent. I found out the hard way that the disease continues on even when not drinking and is always ready to resume right where you left off. Didn't take more than a day for me to be drinking close to a quart per day once I picked up again.
And attemptign suicide continues to be such a shock to me. Never once was that in my thoughts. I don't ever want to place myself in that "mind frame" again.
Thanks again wes. You seem like a good poerson.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Last week I switched taking my zoloft to around dinner time as I felt a little light headed during the day. Worked pretty well for a few days as I was no longer light headed during working hours and could concentrate a bit more. Then towards the end of last week and into into the weekend, as the day went on (about noonish) I started feeling "down". A little edgy and a little depressed. Talked to my shrink about it and she recommended taking the zoloft in the morning again. It takes a while (few weeks) to stop getting the lightheadeness as the body gets used to the higher dose. But taking it at night I sleep through some of it's usefullness.
So back to the mornings. I took it here at work and don't feel lightheaded but am in a better mood. A work in progress.

Went to my AA groups picnic yesterday and hadn't taken the zoloft in the morning (that started today). Was a little bummed out most of the time and my support group picked up on it. Glad they noticed as I called hte shrink this morning for the possible time switch.

Good to have people who notice ones "off times".
Hope all are doing well here.

[Gob]

Has your doctor not considered a bd regime? Same amount of meds split so 1/2 a dose in the morning and 1/2 a dose in the evening.

[Guinevere]

Know too that even on meds you will still have days where you feel edgy or down --- but hopefully the meds will help you cope with those days more easily and they will be fewer and further apart.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Has your doctor not considered a bd regime? Same amount of meds split so 1/2 a dose in the morning and 1/2 a dose in the evening.

So far so good with the one in the morning. Thye said it would take some time to get used to the double dose. Maybe that's all it took. But I'll keep your suggestion in mind if there are any hiccups.

Know too that even on meds you will still have days where you feel edgy or down --- but hopefully the meds will help you cope with those days more easily and they will be fewer and further apart.

Trying to find out how to see them coming. This was only a day so not so bad. I'm trying to learn the signs of a bigger one (longer lasting) so I can make it less or whatever. The more info the better.
The promises only say that I will learn how deal with life on lifes terms. That info is what I am gathering.
Thanks all

[oldr_n_wsr]

Since my unsuccessful self attempted demise, I have been feeling better and better. my head doc cut my zoloft dosage in half as I complained that my sex life has diminished greatly since going on the larger dose. She also added Webuttrin which should alleviate the lack of sex drive side effect of zoloft. Started that this week and am looking forward to better times.

Anyway, bought a new car two weeks ago, a Subaru Forester. The PT Cruiser developed some electrical problem. The headlights don't turn on and the auto door locks don't work and it's not any fuses nor switches. I hear relays for the dorlocks tripping somewhere inside the dashboard but have not taken that apart yet. This triggered the rush for the ner Subaru.

The Saturday I bought it I had about 3 anxiety attacks. My wife kept saying I should be happy getting a new car but I kept thinking about all the money I was spending. That was anxiety attack one.

Then when I decided on which car to buy, we left the dealer to go to the bank and when we got there is was closed. Anxiety attack two. Thankfully her dads abank was open and he was able to get the money for us.

Anxiety attack three was just because.

I was not going to buy the extended warranty but the lady said I could have it for only $20 more on my monthly payment on the life of the loan which worked out to $960 AND the warranty included new tires when needed (not prorated). When I got home I noticed she put the warraty price at $2000 and there was no mention of tires on what was covered. (note to self, don't sign anything until fully understood) Thankfully NY law gives buyers the right to cancel extended warranty for 90 days after purchase.
That started a back and forth (not a heated exchange but not very cordial either) with the lady which hopefully will be resolved next week. When I get hte customer satisfaction survey, you can bet she will not get great marks.

Anyway, I have never financed a car but 1.4% which ended up only about $1060 extra on hte price in interest, I was better off not cashing in a CD (4%) for the amount I financed. I did put over 1/2 down on the car.

With all of these "luxury" problems I really want to do something for those less fortunate this Christmas. I told my wife I only need a couple of pairs of sweatpants, some new tube socks and some thermal socks for Christmas. I usually pick out some kind of cool toy to get but the car is enough)

I already donated a few of my nearly new (worn once or twice) winter coats to the church our AA meetings are held for them to give out to the homeless.
I know of a few people in my AA group who might be alone on Christmas day and am thinking of inviting them over for a roast beef dinner. Have to get the go ahead from my wife though.
Looking for some suggestions on what I can do for those less fortunate other than just donating money (donating money seems so impersonal and requires very little effort).

[wesw]

crap older, I hold my breath every time you post in "all our own work".

enjoy your car, enjoy your wife.