Girl's just wanna have

[Gob]

orgasms...

In groundbreaking new research that has surprised exactly no one, men have been established as apex predators of the sex jungle.

On bang for buck terms, whether gay or straight, a new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has confirmed that men orgasm more often, coming 85% percent of the time they are called. Happily for sex demagogue Fred 'Only Brows(ing)' Nile, Adam and Steve get off slightly less than the biblically heteronormative - sinners 84.7% play the righteous 85.5%. God’s intended peck(er)ing order has been upheld by science. Intelligent design, eat your (blank) out.

All is not well, however, in the garden of Eve. While their rib donor’s off ripping a boner, the fairer sex report orgasming in just 61.6% of their familiar-partner encounters - the mother of all short straws.

If you take TWO Eves, a curious thing happens. Sparks fly. Foreplay is weaponised. Doves cry and the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince clasps his raspberry beret in reverence. Lesbian women reported orgasming a whopping 74.7% of the time, rocketing them to the top of the ladypops - well clear of dire straights.

(In a blow to cake-having-and-also-eating, bisexuals of both sexes reported significantly lower rates of climax - 58% for women and 77.6% for men).

Findings as controversial as these are destined to be discredited in fairly short order by Australia’s Minister for Science, Eric Abetz, who struck a victory for human progress this month by declaring that abortions are linked to breast cancer and half a century of medical research was, in fact, wrong. (If you give women control of their bodies, whatever will they ask for next? A seat in parliament?!)

Before that happens, though, I’d like to have it recorded once and for all.

LADYBANGING’S BETTER. LOVE, SCIENCE.

So what, you ask, is The Secret, apart from a pop-science cult where you can manifest never-ending packets of Tim Tams and syphilitic buboes upon your enemies by sheer force of will?

I attended an interesting (horrifying) talk on the topic of female sexuality earlier this year by a self-proclaimed sexologist who I won’t identify in case she comes after me with a vaginismus voodoo doll. According to her, men and women are just programmed differently when it comes to sex - i.e. men are like a light-switch and women are like the controls of a ham radio. It all comes down to what turns us on.

Because, like Eric Abetz, we all still apparently live in the 1950s, it was broken down thusly:

Men like: visual stimulation (nudity, lingerie, signs of sexual availability), responsive partner (varied lovemaking, novelty, spontaneity), erotica and pornography.

Women like: romantic gestures, communication, intimacy, affection (not demand), quality time with partner, low levels of conflict.

I’m getting all hot just thinking about it.

I definitely never watch porn or get aroused by having a responsive partner. Gross! And only perverts have sex in the nude. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m still a virgin, because it isn’t *really* sex without penetration, right?

The Indiana University researchers had a few theories about the divergences between sexes and sexualities. Men were not only endowed with specific physiological attributes that helped them to climax, culturally enforced gender roles also endorsed male sexual activity and pleasure, they said. Disruption of gendered assumptions and sexual roles by lesbians would support this theory, they added.

But the main hypothesis was that it was all one big own goal - self-identified lesbians were more comfortable and familiar with the female body, giving them the inside edge. If that were true, Adam and Steve would be Olympic sex champions and I'd have a gold medal in procrasturbation. Three daughters doth not a misogynist carte blanche maketh.

Lead researcher Justin Garcia from Indiana’s Kinsey Institute told HuffPo there were lessons for everyone in the ladyboning largesse of same-sex-attracted women.

“To the extent that lack of orgasm is seen as a common and unwanted problem, learning more about orgasm in same-sex relationships may inform treatment for men and women in both same-sex and mixed-sex relationships,” said Garcia.

“These findings may contribute to promotion of a more informed and positive sexual health care.”

In the eternal words of that great philosopher, Kelis: MY MILKSHAKE*.

*Boys need not apply

[Lord Jim]

I find this bit of news just as shocking as the results of a study that was done a few years ago, (at government expense) that found that the number one reason that teenage girls became sexually active is pressure from teenage boys...

Who'd a thunk it? What an eye opener...