Happy New Year-Injured Penis Dept.

[dales]

All patient descriptions taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

PENIS LACERATION JUMPING OVER FENCE DOING PARKOUR
PUT A RUBBER BAND AROUND PENIS AND HAD BEEN THERE FOR TWO DAYS
WIPED PENIS W/TOWEL WITH BLEACH ON IT
WAS ROLLERSKATING & ACCIDENTALLY SKATED INTO THE LEG OF TABLE & INJURED PENIS
PUT A LOLLIPOP IN HIS UNDERPANTS SO MOM WOULDN’T SEE HIM TAKE IT TO SCHOOL.- THERE WERE ANTS UNDER WRAPPER-PENIS PAIN, INSECT BITES
SWIMMING IN POOL, TRIED TO “KICK OFF” WALL, KICKED SELF IN TESTICLE
DROPPED A TEXTBOOK ON HIS LEFT TESTICLE AT SCHOOL THEN HIT IT ON A VISE DURING SHOP CLASS
PLAYING BADMINTON IN GYM CLASS WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY HIT HIMSELF IN THE TESTICLES WITH THE RACKET
RECOVERING FROM BASKETBALL PENIS INJURY, WAS HAVING INTENSE PENETRATIVE INTERCOURSE AND NOTICED PENILE SWELLING
HIT PENIS DOING BICEP CURLS, 20LB DUMBBELLS
WAS AT THE GYM SETTING A 45 POUND WEIGHT ON A STANDING POLE & SUSTAINED A CRUSH INJURY TO THE TIP OF HIS PENIS
HEAVY PILE OF CDS FELL ON PENIS
TESTICLE PAIN AFTER WEARING TIGHT PANTS
MOVING A HEAVY FLOWER POT AND IT TIPPED OVER INTO TESTICLES
RIDING BICYCLE AND GOT A HANGER CAUGHT IN TIRE SPOKE CAUSING PENIS TO HIT INTO HANDLEBARS
STEPPED OVER A BUCKET HIT LEFT TESTICLE ON RIM OF BUCKET
PLAYING BASEBALL SLIDING INTO BASE HIT TESTICLES ON BASE
JUMPED OUT OF BED BETWEEN HIS 2 DOGS, ONE OF THEM BIT HIS PENIS
RIDING HIS HORSE WHEN HE FELL OFF AND WAS STEPPED ON BY HORSE ON PENIS
WENT INTO THE BATHROOM AT HOME DID NOT TURN THE LIGHT ON AND RAN INTO THE DOOR HITTING HIS PENIS
FELL OFF THE TOILET
HAVING SEX WITH HIS GIRLFREIND WHILE SHE WAS WEARING UNDERWEAR AND SUSTAINED A PENIS LACERATION
PENIS CAUGHT IN FOOSBALL TABLE
WAS SLIDING DOWN BOUNCY HOUSE SLIDE & WAS KICKED BY CHILD RUNNING UP
BURNS TO PENIS. PATIENT STRUCK A MATCH TO A CUP OF GASOLINE THAT EXPLODED
WAS HIT IN THE PUBIC AREA BY A GLASS VASE THAT FELL; PENIS LACERATION
PUT A PLASTIC BOTTLE ON PENIS DURING MASTURBATION AND IS STUCK
SUSTAINED GENITAL EDEMA AFTER PLACING A PIECE OF PVC PIPE ON HIS PENIS BEFORE AN ORGY SIX DAYS AGO
BLOOD FROM PENIS AFTER BEING SQUEEZED BY ELASTIC WAIST OF PANTS
WAS AT FRIEND’S HOUSE AND SOMEONE THREW A SHOE AT HIS TESTICLES
HAVING TESTICLE PAIN WALKING UP STAIRS AFTER BEING HIT WITH SOCCER BALL, STICKS, ROCKS THROWN BY FRIENDS 7 DAYS AGO
USING TOILET; PATIENT’S BROTHER SHUT THE LID DOWN ON THE PATIENT’S PENIS
RECEIVED A “WEDGIE” BY UNDERWEAR BY HIS OLDER BROTHER. PENIS PAIN
HIT IN PENIS BY COUSIN
SWINGING WATER BOTTLE, STRUCK SELF IN RIGHT TESTICLE
SHAVING PUBIC HAIR ON GROIN, PENIS, WITH ELECTRIC HAIR TRIMMER, PAIN FROM ELECTRIC SHOCK
PLACED METAL RING AROUND PENIS FOR STIMULATION. NOW UNABLE TO REMOVE. LACERATION TO PENIS WHEN USING ELECTRIC TOOL TO CUT OFF, UNSUCCESSFUL
WENT TO SIT ON A BARSTOOL AND IT FLIPPED OVER SUSTAINED A CONTUSION TO PENIS
NEW LANDLORD THOUGHT HIS APT WAS EMPTY KICKED THE DOOR DOWN STRIKING HIM IN THE TESTICLES AND FACE

[RayThom]

I must be very safety conscious. I never had any of these things happen to me.

However, I once experienced a cold-shock response while standing at the toilet and lost control of "Skippy" and he briefly plopped into the bowl. The water was quite deep, too. Scary!

[BoSoxGal]

RT, I don't know whether to or .

[Joe Guy]

Quaddriver once wrote that he had an experience similar to Ray's but he was standing in front of a bottle cap full of mouthwash that was sitting on a bathroom counter.

[Big RR]

Ray that happened to me when I was peeing off the Washington bridge. I never thought the Hudson River was that deep.

[MajGenl.Meade]

RT, JG, BRR I don't know whether to or .

FTFY

[RayThom]

MGM, you're probably right, however, I don't think you understood what was — this was locker room talk. I'm not proud of it. I apologize to my family. I apologize to the American people.

[Big RR]

Well I don't apologize; in a world where the president can boast abut grabbing the crotch of every woman (because no woman, of course, can resist him), I can make the far more credible claim which I did.

[dales]

Anyone ever pee on an electric fence?

[MajGenl.Meade]

MGM, you're probably right, however, I don't think you understood what was — this was locker room talk. I'm not proud of it. I apologize to my family. I apologize to the American people.

I know what it was - just rolling multiple eyes because it's an old lame remark.

Interestingly (or not) around 1962 I heard what I thought was the original version - a "Rastus" joke. I assume it has been sanitized by changing the characters to "not-me" (cold) and "me" (deep).

For all I know though, it's much older and without racism at its base.

[RayThom]

... I know what it was - just rolling multiple eyes because it's an old lame remark...

MGM, yeah, that's about when I first heard it, too. It's in my book of "circle jokes" -- you laugh when you get 'round to it.

[Bicycle Bill]

Anyone ever pee on an electric fence?

Only once!!

-"BB"-

[Big RR]

I recall hearing it in the early 60s about two Texans pissing off the bridge, but I also have no doubt it goes back much further--So the Pharaoh and the High Priest were pissing into the Nile from the high embankment...