The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.
First up - the SAS.
They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Paras.
They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly - the Police.
In they go, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Foxtrot One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!"
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I'm a fuckin' rabbit!"
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So the man trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Link Game comes up and he wins that too, getting £380,000, a grand total of £321,355 from a £1.00 card.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Well sir, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win the four corners, line, full house and the national on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Hey!" says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle too!!"
Bought a jar of salad cream yesterday, on getting home read the sell by date.... 21-12-12 Guess it must be Mayannaise.......
I saw a bloke busking in a doorway recently. He was singing "When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful, a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical."
I said "That's Supertramp"
He said "Thanks very much!"
I've spent a fortune of Christmas this year to get the kids everything they want and gotten myself into a right load of debit maxing out the credit cards etc. It'll end up the same as every other year - I do the work and pay for it all and fatty with the beard gets all the credit. Still, my fault for marrying her in the first place.
Rabbit Rabbit!!
Rabbit Rabbit!!
“If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.”