My disgusting in laws.

[Miles]

Since we don't have a rant forum I will bore you with my frustration here.

My mother in law is in the hospital in critical condition due to neglect from her loving family, including my wife. They leave her in the care of a complete idiot who has no clue how to properly care for her just so they don't have to be bothered. This woman has 7 kids who can't seem to take a day out of there selfish lives to spend with their mother and see that she is properly cared for. They come around when she is in the hospital and wring their hands and talk about how much the care which is pure bullshit. I am so disgusted with the whole bunch of them.

[dales]

I'm afraid yours is not an isolated case.

It might be interesting to explore the family dynamics that lead to this sorry state of affairs.

[loCAtek]

I'm sorry, Miles ...with that big heart I think you're going to a *better* place.

[The Hen]

Caring and care should always be done before rather than later.

Your story is typical Miles, and that is a tragedy. I hope your MIL is on the road to recovery soon.

[Gob]

The only reason I am able to be in Aus with my wife and family is knowing that my Mam has daily and caring contact from my younger sister.

[Miles]

She is making a slow but steady recovery. Now the big question is who is going to care for her when she goes home. My wife has promised to go, on her days off, and do what she can. Out of 7 kids only three actually work. The rest are on welfare or SSI. My wife and her sister are the only ones who don't live within 2 miles of their mother. We live about 35 miles away and her sister about 45 miles.

I just don't understand how they can be so selfish and that they can't realize that once their mother is gone she will be gone forever. Idiots, thats what they are, selfish moronic idiots. Her oldest son wants to put her in a nursing home. He , of course, is one of the ones who can't even be borthered to visit her in hospital. He is also one of the ones on SSI with imaginary health problems.

OK, I am done ranting. I am going to make myself even more of an outcast by suggesting that my mother in law live with my wife and I so we can take care of her. After seeing the hopelessness in the faces of so many nursing home residents and haveing a good friend as one of them I just can't see permitting my wifes mother to suffer that fate.

[Big RR]

Miles--caring and empathy things which are learned from a young age; apparently none of the kids learned it from their parents (or at least didn't learn it well). I have found in many situations like this, the kids are just emulating how their parents cared for their own mothers and fathers (or often the kids) and the people who get no help/visits often gave no time to their parents (or their kids). We usually reap what we sow. Any dynamc like that here?

Of course, there are also seflish SOBs among demainding parents and kids; the parable of the prodigal son shows there is nothing new in this. Personally, if an dwhen Icome to the point that I need round the clock care, I would far rather be placed in a nursing home than burden my children with those duties; I carry long term care insurance for this eventuality.

[Miles]

Big RR,
I sincerely hope you never have to be confined to a nursing home. If you are I have no doubt that you will find your self in a world you never ever invisioned. One where you will live the short remainder of your life in misery. I have seen way too many times the plight of nursing home residents. They are without hope, forgotten souls who are at the mercy of uncaring non professions who just don't give a shit. Definatley not somewhere you want to be when your unable to care for yourself.

[Big RR]

Miles--I have had relatives in nursing homes (including my father who spent the last three months of his life between a nursing home and the hospital), and my mother was a nurse in one for over 30 years, and like every other institution, there are good ones and bad ones. Certainly there are some who are staffed with uncaring "professionals" who ignore and even abuse the helpless, but there are others that do not and treat them quite well. And certainly they are places that people do go to await their final hour, so they are hardly filled with hopeful persons who feel they are getting better, but usually people who are only getting worse, so there is usually not a light and happy air there. But I have seen acts of great kindness there by some of the staff to my father, a man who was forced to wear a diaper the last three months of his life (to his mortification when he had his periods of lucidity), but who was treated with great respect and care by the orderly who changed and cared for him. And I have seen people like my mother go to work I nursing homes because she was very cocnerned about how people were treated at the end of their lives, and how she made sure her reports treated the people with respect or got out.

And what of home care? What about having to see your parent reduced to shitting in his/her bed or diaper several times a day? What about working like a slave (and these people require care round the clock), only to have a severely depressed or confused or senile/alzheimer's parent accuse you of not caring for them or are treating them badly (even after you placed the rest of your life on hold)? What about the couple of months care lasting years while someone gets worse and worse but hangs on? It takes a toll, even on those best intentioned, and many cannot live up to that 24/7 pressure and wind up resenting or hating the previously beloved parent (and then have to come to terms with that). No, I don't want to do that to my kids; I'd rather be neglected in a nursing home (although I'd first seek out a good one) or take a Kevorkian cocktail, than saddle them with that pressure and stress. Indeed, I read an article a while back that stated that far more physical abuse of the elderly occurred in home setting at the hands of supposed loved ones than in nursing homes (at least those attendants get some time off). I don't want their last memories of me to be cleaning my shit and seeing my mental faculties decline to zip; I'd rather have them go on with thier lives and let me end mine without the undue stress of caring for me (my death will be stress enough).

My advice (which is worth every penny I charge for it) would be to look for a good nursing home if your MIL truly cannot care for herself. Look long enough and you can find one. If you choose not to and to assume the role of caregiver, I wish you the best. But get some help, don't let it stress you to the point of breaking. And above all, if it gets to be too much, go back the the first option.

[loCAtek]

The other side of the coin is: if you do decide on home care, get home assistance from caregivers because it is a big job. My grandmother had advanced Alzheimer's disease, but she was home up until a week of her death with care from Aunts and a regularly scheduled nurse. It's certainly helped that my large family were in the near vicinity. The primary role of 'caregiver' fell to my youngest Aunt (kinda a Latino tradition) since she had already lost her husband, and her children were older teenagers. The rest of the family worked in loose shifts of coming over and giving her a break. What with caring for my Grandmother and then caring for my Grandfather after that, I think she spent at least a decade of her life, or more, 'on duty'. Now, she's happily remarried and getting doted on as a grandmother herself.

That situation had to be the worst case scenario with my Grandmother not being able to dress, feed, or bath herself and her facilities were completely gone. Your Grandma-in-law sounds merely frail, but lucid ...and you have that army of kids who could help. There are professionals who specialize in Elderly Home Care who can advise.

[Big RR]

I agree with Lo, if you are set on trying home care, make sure you get some professional advice and help from paid caregivers; it's a tremendous job and responsibility and you will need the help and breaks. And remain flexible; it's not disloyalty to admit it's something you're not up to and/or capable of doing. If you can't, get your MIL the best care your can and stay a part of her life. It's never easy, but then life is strange that way.

[Crackpot]

not to mention it is easy to injure someone while moving them if you're not properly trained.

[Jarlaxle]

At age 91, my grandmother is still independent...lives on her own except for her crochety old cat, does her own shopping (didn't even get a wheeled basket until last year). She went skeet shooting on her 90th birthday...hadn't gone in almost 20 years, but still did pretty well.

She told Liz and me that if she is ever in a situation where she might end up in (in her words) a nut house, she wants one of us to kill her.

[Gob]

She's come to the right people then Jarl!

[Miles]

I don't know what is going to happen however we do have a Visiting Nurse group who will come in as needed. Also I think we can count on at least three possibly four of my wifes family who will be willing to pitch in and help. As far as having the skills necessary to care for her I do have them. She is still in hospital and probably will be for at least a week longer. Ultimately it is up to her as to what she will agree to do. Unfortunately the woman is the all time worst person to make even a minor decision. She is the ultimate fence sitter.

[Lord Jim]

I think we can count on at least three possibly four of my wifes family who will be willing to pitch in and help.

That's good to hear Miles....

I have to say that when five out of seven adult kids are living on some form of government assistance, it sure sounds like some folks were absent the day they were passing out personal responsibility, initiative, and reliability.

[dales]

She's come to the right people then Jarl!

[loCAtek]

Miles, then it sounds like it would be in her best interests if you leaned on her a little. Don't tell her she's moving in; mention (Often) how much you'd love to have her come stay with you. Have your wife say it, have your kids say it. Tell her you'll get her a kitten, etc.

[Big RR]

And perhaps gently break it to her that going back home and living on her won is not a viable option, at least until she gets "better". I suspect she knows this, but reinforcing it won't hurt.