Blue cheese boulder

[Gob]

As rage letters go, they don't come much more furious than the epistle sent to an Australian airline by a passenger seated next to a man as big as 'an infant hippopotamus' and who smelled like 'blue cheese' and a 'Mumbai slum'.

Dear Jetstar...

Do you like riddles? I do, that's why I'm starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What's fat as f***, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That's right, it's the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.

As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle.

As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn't a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.

Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne - Eau No.

Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it's entirely possible that none of them actually saw me. Perhaps this photo will jog their memories.

Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn't catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I'll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I've given them all the same surname - Couldnotgiveash***).

After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how s*** they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to which Giggly responded, "hehehe, they're for crew only, hehehe". I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.

I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveas*** triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing,

I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both "crew only" rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she's flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.

Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn't that exactly the same as having someone who can't control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that's why I'm demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat.

I'm also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I'm yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don't recover completely, I'll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.

To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at: richwisken@hotmail.com, or tweet me at: @RichWisken

No regards,

Rich Wisken.

Traveller Rich Wisken wrote on a blog that he paid an extra $A25 (£13.50) for an exit row seat, expecting to travel from Perth to Sydney with more room than a normal economy seat.

But he found himself seated beside an obese man, leaving him to feel that he was pinned to his seat 'by a fleshy boulder.'

When he tried to change seats, he found those that were empty were taken by passengers who had stretched themselves out to lie in comfort.

Mr Wisken returned to his exit row seat and 'it was then I realised that my fate was sealed.

'I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt (the blob creature in Star Wars) and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning.'

It might be gathered by now that Mr Wisken was not at all happy with the four-and-a-half-hour flight and has penned a furious letter to the airline, Jetstar, a subsidiary of Qantas.

What made his ordeal worse was to find that two days later a flight to Melbourne he'd book with the airline was cancelled, as was a rescheduled flight.

On his third attempt, the flight was delayed for two hours.

On receiving his angry, but humorous, letter of complaint, Jetstar emailed him with an offer of a $A100 (£54) voucher in compensation, Sydney's Daily Telegraph reports today.

'Awesome work, Jetstar!' he wrote.

'Two of my flights in the past two days have been cancelled. You're so lucky that my favourite pastime is wasting both time and money getting to and from airports.

'Imagine how annoyed someone who doesn't LOVE wasting time and money would feel about this situation. Man, I'd hate to be that guy...'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... z2p5WqjyLI
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[Jarlaxle]

And people STILL wonder why I will not fly...

[MajGenl.Meade]

It's possible this man is a cheap bugger trying to fly as cheaply as possible - "JetStar" would be the likely giveaway there. If so, then he got what one should expect from a cheap (no) frills airline. Next time maybe he'll pay a little more and use one of the big boys or stick with ShitStar and put up with it. Funny email though

[Lord Jim]

Traveller Rich Wisken wrote on a blog that he paid an extra $A25 (£13.50) for an exit row seat, expecting to travel from Perth to Sydney with more room than a normal economy seat.

Back in my younger days, when I was flying regularly, I always showed up early to get an exit row seat on any long fight...(no extra fee involved in those days...)

Nowadays I don't fly all that often, but when I do, I go First Class and avoid the cheesy smelling hoi polloi in steerage...

[MajGenl.Meade]

I usually fart as I walk through First Class to get to the back

[TPFKA@W]

Careful Jim, Mr. Creosote probably flies 1st class.

[Econoline]

I usually fart as I walk through First Class to get to the back

Way to go!

[TPFKA@W]

I usually fart as I walk through First Class to get to the back

Way to go!

Bean there, done that.

[Rick]

So big boy wasn't cutting the cheese, he was the cheese.

No harm although foul, evidently

[Joe Guy]

It"s becoming chili in here...

[Rick]

Hot tamale

[Joe Guy]

It probably will be...

[oldr_n_wsr]

As I fly very rarely, I just deal with it. My wife is usually with me (5'2" and barely 110lbs) so having room is usually not a problem.

[Jarlaxle]

It would be for me. I'm 5'10" and 240lbs, Liz is 5'8" and ~160. Even my stepfather (a "towering" 5'7") is crowded. I feel bad for his coworker when they fly on business trips: he's a 150lb string bean with about a 28" waistline...but he's 6'7" tall.

[oldr_n_wsr]

5'11" 185lbs as of last doctor visit this past october. See if I gained any weight over the holidays when I go again in a few weeks. My shoulders are a little wide, but I put my arm around my wife and she just puts her head on my shoulder......

[Gob]

6'1" and 189lbs.